Venting Introduction

[Krisian13]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

Ok, it's about time I introduced myself properly so here goes.
I've been lurking here for some time now and, as you can tell from my profile, I've not posted much. What I have posted thus far is pretty inconsequential (take a look). I'm not sure why but I feel the time is right to 'spill my guts' so to speak.

I'm writing this in stages offline and I've already realised that it's going to take forever and no one is going to read it all so I'm going to bullet point a few points intead:

• Pretty good upbringing although always felt a bit of an outsider.
• Extremely (and I mean big-time) introverted. I used to pee myself in class rather than ask to be excused.
• Reasonably intelligent. Managed to gain entry to Grammar School (don't know what the equivalent is outside UK).
• Passed 10 'O' levels (GCSE)
• Start A levels
• Still introverted. No friends. Cant talk to girls
• Quit A levels get job
• Hate work
• Become alcoholic
• Get married somehow. I knew it was a mistake but went ahead anyway.
• Killed someone DUI
• Depression
• Quit job
• Wife divorces me after 20 years (can you imagine the pain after knowing I didn't want to get married in the first place. Didn't want to let anyone down)
• Get another job
• Alcoholism & depression continue
• Get fired due to being drunk on multiple occasions
• Lose house
• Move in with Dad
• Dad dies
• OD attempt
• Still drinking
• OD attempt
• Get in arrears with rent. Threatened with eviction.
• OD attempt
• Self harm
• Get help (therapy, financial, housing)

This brings me up to to today (well, yesterday now).
I was supposed to get my house cleared ready to move somewhere else more affordable. Didn't happen. So, all of the above came flooding back. Havent slept in over 30 hours, spent 1 hr talking to Samaritans, it's now 0230 GMT and I'm drunk (also started smoking again after over 1 yr) and looking for a way out quickly and painlessly but nothing seems reliable enough at the moment (maybe partial).

Sorry this has been so long but I just needed to get this off my chest.

Big love to everyone on here and whatever happens to you or me trust that this community is here for you whatever.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Ive read it and im sorry to hear life hit you like that. I wish it will get better as well. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always pm me, or anyone here. Im sure people would gladly listen and talk. I wish you peace and good luck

 

[Krisian13]

Ive read it and im sorry to hear life hit you like that. I wish it will get better as well. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always pm me, or anyone here. Im sure people would gladly listen and talk. I wish you peace and good luck

Thanks AA44. Just knowing someone else is listening helps. I just wish one of those OD attempts had worked. I wouldn't have to be in this position now. I've let my therapist, my support worker, my GP, my parents down. But most of all I've let myself down.
Dont think I can PM yet but thanks for the offer.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

You need atleast 5 messages and 24 hour membership to pm and you got both so dw. You shouldnt worry of other peoples opinions that much, i did before and brought me so down i could barely pull myself up. I dont think you let your parents down. My parents knew how i felt, and mum knows my ctb intentions. She wants to help, but unfortunately cant. They are sad but they do know life can get hard, even if they dont say it.
You can try to bring yourself back up if you find some hope and reason to go on and endure this life.

 

[K-O]

this life..
a lovely grocery list isn't it?
good to meet you mate.
i think you should get things off your chest more often..
i am trying to do the same..
love back to you
x

 

[Krisian13]

You can try to bring yourself back up if you find some hope and reason to go on and endure this life.

Yeah, you're absolutely correct. Unfortunately, I think I've been searching for both those things all my life to no avail. My therapist once asked me 'think back to a time when when you were truly happy'. I couldn't think of a single thing. Hope? Reason? nothing comes to mind at the moment (least of all reason).
Sorry if that sounds dismissive, I don't mean it to but I'm sure you understand.

this life..
a lovely grocery list isn't it?
good to meet you mate.
i think you should get things off your chest more often..
i am trying to do the same..
love back to you
x

Getting things off my chest is not one of my strong points unfortunately. I'm surprised I posted what I did.
Took me a long time to even be honest with myself you know? I dont understand why life has to be so hard.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

I understand you, and i feel hopeless as well, thats the reason im here. So we survive one day at a time untill we cant endure it anymore

 

[K-O]

I'm surprised I posted what I did

i know! that's why its lovely to me.
and maybe refreshing to you?..
a new muscle to stretch..

Took me a long time to even be honest with myself you know?

i know mate.. i mean.. i think i have been honest with my self as in i 'know' myself but its a totally different thing to externalize it and for your truth to articulate it self..
also i know the bottling up for so long things that you go inside out and lose the plot all together..
x

 

[Krisian13]

i think you should get things off your chest more often..
i am trying to do the same..

Do it. It doesn't necessarily solve anything but sharing your feelings does certainly bring things into focus. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

[K-O]

Do it. It doesn't necessarily solve anything but sharing your feelings does certainly bring things into focus. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

yeah.. as you say it is hard.. but seeing others do it makes me glad and happy.

 

[Krisian13]

yeah.. as you say it is hard.. but seeing others do it makes me glad and happy.

Take the plunge mate. What have you got to lose? Everyone here will be supportive

 

[K-O]

Take the plunge mate. What have you got to lose? Everyone here will be supportive

maybe i will try the grocery list approach like you did..
i think it will probably glitch me though..
but im gonna give it a go to see how far i get with out getting triggered ..
thanks for the homework x

 

[Krisian13]

maybe i will try the grocery list approach like you did..
i think it will probably glitch me though..
but im gonna give it a go to see how far i get with out getting triggered ..
thanks for the homework x

I'll keep an eye out for it. I suggest doing a draft first on notepad or whatever. If at the end of the day you dont feel comfortable publishing it then dont. The very act of listing everything out might crystallize your thoughts.
Good luck

 

[K-O]

I'll keep an eye out for it. I suggest doing a draft first on notepad or whatever. If at the end of the day you dont feel comfortable publishing it then dont. The very act of listing everything out might crystallize your thoughts.
Good luck

yeah mate! only hand writing! im so not ready to publicly do that.. maybe a cheeky pm so you could grade it.
baby steps..
cheers x

 

[Krisian13]

yeah mate! only hand writing! im so not ready to publicly do that.. maybe a cheeky pm so you could grade it.
baby steps..
cheers x

Hey I'm no expert but feel free to PM whenever you're ready.