internalized homophobia and transphobia is turning me into a bad person

[eggsausagerice]

after isolating myself more and more i started focusing on the aspects of myself that i hate and if i'm cringy or stereotypical in any way, even if i don't have anyone left in my life besides my sister and my parents who i already know dislike me. the shame and hatred towards myself is making me dislike other people for being similar to me or being more open about their identities, because i've been forced to be closeted/have been non-passing and not taken seriously for most of my life. other trans people will respect my pronouns but not be attracted to me or see me as an equal because i seem more sheltered and immature compared to them. even in community spaces i'm not good enough for the people around me, because i seem too childish or dorky. i know what it's like to be next to an attractive person and be invisible because they fit the beauty standards of their gender or they pass as the gender they want to present as. i hate myself for being gay because the only way men can be attracted to me is if their attracted to my feminine body or feminine voice. cis gay men don't want someone that they see as a step down from a cis woman. i feel like a failed cis woman so often instead of a real man, and anyone telling me they see me as a man feels like a psyop because i'll never be able to see myself as a man. cis gay men keep telling me i'm not they're type and only lesbians or chasers want to go out with me. deep down i still do care about whether i'm attractive to people or not, and i feel worse about myself when i know that no one is able to see me the way i see myself.

i hate being such a jealous and bitter person. i hate feeling inferior to random trans or gay people or the ones close to me because i'm unable to find community and be accepted by others. i feel like i've just started to hate being trans so much that i want to be cis, but i'm not even good enough to be cis because i'm unable to connect with women. i feel like a man when i'm in a group of women because i don't know what to talk about with them and i'm worried that complimenting them when i hate myself so much will make me look like a creep. i don't feel dysphoric because of my body, i feel dysphoric because i genuinely cannot fit into a cisnormative society. i should've been born a woman or a man. i don't know why i was born as something in-between that people don't understand. i don't know why i'm fucked up and weird. i don't want to be bigoted just because i hate myself. i wish that i was able to pretend to be a woman. i don't bother putting any effort into my presentation anymore. i don't know how act masculine or girly because everything feels so performative when everyone will just see me as a girl no matter what i do. this existence is so awful. if i can't even be trans in a socially acceptable way, i just want to kill myself. there's no lgbt solidarity in texas. conservatives want you to kill yourself or stay closeted. my identity has never been accounted for.

 

[RiftbornVeil]

after isolating myself more and more i start focusing on the aspects of myself that i hate and if i'm cringey or stereotypical in any way, even if i don't have anyone left in my life besides my sister and my parents who i already know dislike me. the shame and hatred towards myself is making me dislike other people for being similar to me or being more open about their identities, because i've been forced to be closeted/have been non-passing and not taken seriously for most of my life. other trans people will respect my pronouns but not be attracted to me or see me as an equal because i seem more sheltered and immature compared to them. even in community spaces i'm not good enough for the people around me, because i seem too childish or dorky. i know what it's like to be next to an attractive person and be invisible because they fit the beauty standards of their gender or they pass as the gender they want to present as. i hate myself for being gay because the only way men can be attracted to me is if they're attracted to my feminine body or feminine voice. cis gay men don't want someone that they see as a step down from a cis woman. i feel like a failed cis woman so often instead of a real man, and anyone telling me they see me as a man feels like a psyop because i'll never be able to see myself as a man is cis gay men keep telling me i'm not they're type and only lesbians or chasers want to go out with me. deep down i still do care about whether i'm attractive to people or not, and i feel worse about myself when i know that no one is able to see me the way i see myself.

i hate being such a jealous and bitter person. i hate feeling inferior to random trans or gay people because i'm unable to find community and be accepted by others. i feel like i've just started to hate being trans so much that i want to be cis, but i'm not even good enough to be cis because i'm unable to connect with women. i feel like a man when i'm in a group of women because i don't know what to talk about with them and i'm worried that complimenting them when i hate myself so much will make me look like a creep. i don't feel dysphoric because of my body, i feel dysphoric because i geniunely cannot fit into a cisnormative society. i should've been born a woman or a man. i don't know why i was born as something in-between that people don't understand. i don't know why i'm fucked up and weird. i don't want to be bigoted just because i hate myself. i wish that i was able to pretend to be a woman. i don't bother putting any effort into my presentation anymore. i don't know how act masculine or girly because everything feels so performative when everyone will just see me as a girl no matter what i do. this existence is so awful. i was born wrong.

Sending you nothing but my best wishes. I can't imagine how restrictive living like that is; you're genuinely such a strong person for bearing that weight, i.e. the weight of societal expectations. Society has a long path to go until everyone is accepted for who they truly are.

 

[eggsausagerice]

continued:

it's been such a long time since i've been myself. something i've realized is that i can't legitimately want to be myself unless i'm around people that i think want me. and i just keep getting put down or being shoved into this "little brother" archetype because i'm 5'3 and i have a little squeaky voice and i have no relationship experience. i'm not desirable, because i'm too immature. i don't know how to explain that it makes me want to put a bullet in my head every time people assume i'm a minor or someone still in high school. how long can a person be seen as someone lesser before they just straight up want to start gouging their eyes out so someone realizes they actually want to be taken seriously? my whole life i've just been put down and called cute, or fetishized for looking/acting younger than i actually am. i don't feel human. i feel like a little creature. this isn't normal. people shouldn't feel like this. women and men don't get treated like this. i get treated like this because i'm not good enough to be considered either gender. i'm not good enough to be seen as an attractive woman or a confident man. i don't know if there's a way i can be good enough if the way i was born is wrong to people.

i don't want people to tell me i'm beautiful or kind or good just because i vented to them because i know that i still won't be good enough. people will still look down on me and replace me with someone more "whole". my identity just feels like a fetish that i fail to live up to, because my off-putting childishness and inferiority complex makes people not want to get close to me. i dont want to make any new friends because i'll fuck it up and tell them to leave me for someone better. i know people want my gender and my body, and that they would probably like it more than me. but my body has only made me unhappy. i'm not something to envy. i don't look good. i don't get along with anyone. i'm afraid of other people because i get uncontrollably jealous when someone is even marginally happier than me. everyone annoys me and i know i probably annoy people with my presence too. i can't be happy for the things i have because i know that if i was a different person, i would be loved and valued more. but i'm going to be put down and pitied by other people until i die. i'm sick of people that are more attractive, popular, happier, and don't have toxic parents telling me i shouldn't kill myself. i wish that they were able to see how miserable my life makes me. i hope i die.