intentional sleep deprivation

[willitpass]

i'm back into my horrible habit of forcing my body to do ungodly things just so i can feel in control of myself i guess. i don't know why i always do this sort of stuff. whenever things start to get bad i test my own bodily limits just because i can. i've gone over 3 days without eating, 2.5 days without food or water, ingested very very high amounts of caffeine. this time around i am refusing myself sleep. i dont deserve sleep. i don't know why i so these things to myself. part of it is a hope that these may lead to my death without directly trying. i don't understand myself

 

[thebunny]

i'm sorry you're dealing with such things. i get it. when things get rough for me, i tend to self-sabotage as well. you know, not eating, barely drinking any water but drinking tons of energy drinks or coffee, and smoking. not sure why i'm doing it exactly, but i think it's because i need to feel something besides the pain i'm in. it also tend to act as some sort of punishment for myself lol.

but a part of me — a tiniest part of me — is doing it out of spite to those people that did me wrong. it's as if it's a punishment for them as well. yeah, it's petty and bad and mean, but being fueled by anger is better than being fueled by pain and suffering. nevertheless, i do hope we all find peace within ourselves soon. best wishes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much and are in this situation. I could never deprive myself of sleep personally. I wish you the best.