I've been in a bit more emotional phase lately (4 years of depression), and now more than ever I feel the need of physical intimacy.
With intimacy, I don't necessarily mean sex, sex would be a bonus but not the thing. What I'm thinking about is simply two bodies pressing against each other tightly in a mutual embrace, feeling each other's warmth and heartbeat of an alive being - being as close as it's physically possible, being vulnerable to each other - "two bodies merging into one", as it's often described.
But, well, I've never experienced that. We do a quick friend hug sometimes when seeing off our group of friends, and that's maybe once every 3 months. (I do realize some people don't have even that). The furthest I've been with a girl was in complicated friendship (with some chemistry), but even then it was quick hugs at most.
Sometimes when I see my family, some of the enthusiastic kids get physical. And that has made me realize how rare any physical contact at all is. For example, when a kid deliberately grabs my arm (nothing sexual by the way) it just feels weird because of how rare it is and how I'm not used to it, and as a result I pull myself away. I've realized how in normal day to day interaction, people don't normally even touch each other (unless it's accident or "accident" aka flirting). Even if you are in the same room, all remote connection, and that's lonely and sad thought.
Second thing is, mental connection. You don't want to get TOO intimate with your friends for example, that's reserved for a partner. That's also the reason I've not considered getting myself a hooker, because I don't believe that the needed mental connection would be there with a stranger. On the other hand, I feel like connecting with anyone would be hard. I have this fantasy of intimacy and connection, but when it comes to real people, nobody feels like the right person to experience it with completely freely.
With this connection I mean that both parties would feel the same about the intimacy, and what it means to them. But that's almost impossible since people always have different perspectives and give different weight to different things in their mind.
I can't believe how strongly I feel about all this. Like, it's a completely different category compared to everything else in life. The description in the second paragraph, experiencing that would be heaven, nothing else would matter. Like, I could die happily if I could experience it. Or get addicted. People always compare love to a drugs, and I guess I get it.
I feel VERY very isolated and lonely.
With intimacy, I don't necessarily mean sex, sex would be a bonus but not the thing. What I'm thinking about is simply two bodies pressing against each other tightly in a mutual embrace, feeling each other's warmth and heartbeat of an alive being - being as close as it's physically possible, being vulnerable to each other - "two bodies merging into one", as it's often described.
But, well, I've never experienced that. We do a quick friend hug sometimes when seeing off our group of friends, and that's maybe once every 3 months. (I do realize some people don't have even that). The furthest I've been with a girl was in complicated friendship (with some chemistry), but even then it was quick hugs at most.
Sometimes when I see my family, some of the enthusiastic kids get physical. And that has made me realize how rare any physical contact at all is. For example, when a kid deliberately grabs my arm (nothing sexual by the way) it just feels weird because of how rare it is and how I'm not used to it, and as a result I pull myself away. I've realized how in normal day to day interaction, people don't normally even touch each other (unless it's accident or "accident" aka flirting). Even if you are in the same room, all remote connection, and that's lonely and sad thought.
Second thing is, mental connection. You don't want to get TOO intimate with your friends for example, that's reserved for a partner. That's also the reason I've not considered getting myself a hooker, because I don't believe that the needed mental connection would be there with a stranger. On the other hand, I feel like connecting with anyone would be hard. I have this fantasy of intimacy and connection, but when it comes to real people, nobody feels like the right person to experience it with completely freely.
With this connection I mean that both parties would feel the same about the intimacy, and what it means to them. But that's almost impossible since people always have different perspectives and give different weight to different things in their mind.
I can't believe how strongly I feel about all this. Like, it's a completely different category compared to everything else in life. The description in the second paragraph, experiencing that would be heaven, nothing else would matter. Like, I could die happily if I could experience it. Or get addicted. People always compare love to a drugs, and I guess I get it.
I feel VERY very isolated and lonely.
