Venting Insane spiritual pain

[OnMyLast Legs]

I am so horrified by the way I lived my life. I'm writing for sympathy but if you knew everything about me you wouldn't be sympathetic. Christians say that's what happens at the Last Judgment--you don't pity the damned. I have been a delusional, (not so) secretly megalomaniacal coward for decades. I've broken my word. I've avoided hard work while fostering the belief that I was still somehow better than everyone and cruising to a bright future. I've escaped into vice like drugs and pornography. When women gave me the time of day, I mistreated them. I became a nasty far-right extremist in the gutters of the internet: racist, misogynistic, antisemitic, homophobic, transphobic. Another way to prop up the ego of a weak, vicious little man. Now I see myself clearly and it's unbearable. Moment to moment I am attacked by horror, my stomach twisting in knots. I don't have a gun yet. I have to compose myself enough to buy one. Once I have it I'll probably be too scared to use it, despite the painlessness. Because guess what, I'm not sure I can "get away with it." Despite the seeming silliness of revealed, supernatural, miraculous religion, I fear punishment in the afterlife.

Fatalism/determinism seems true, right? I am a biological machine that doesn't work properly. One of the many unsuccessful organisms natural selection weeds out. My consciousness depends on my brain and can't go anywhere without it. We know this by now.

It's even more narcissism to splash all this over the internet. At this point everything is a coping mechanism. I feel a little calmer typing, so I post.

Thanks to any posters here who want to comfort a bad person.

 

[raiseurweapon]

i understand this all too well, u are not alone.

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

you are a good person, I can tell

humans are complex, and our behavior / the reasons we do the things we do are intricate

you don't have to beat yourself for things you did in the past, we are constantly evolving and our past actions cannot fully define us

you wont be punished in the afterlife, everything will be okay

I hope you can find peace

 

[behindtheveil]

Have you heard the saying, since you mentioned Christianity -"a repentant man may enter the gate of heaven". Why don't we take it in the context of this life. How or what would you repent for if you haven't made any mistakes. We all make mistakes, sometimes even sin but that is the nature of this life. It will make us do that and later create circumstances to show us the error of our ways. Call it the secret of nature.
We don't know what is on the other side of the veil. Will there be judgement, love, rejoining or anything else, but whatever there may be, the repentance and love in our hearts will take us through without sorrow, bitterness or fear.
By admitting to yourself that you were wrong before is the first step that you have already taken. Now fill your heart with love and try to do good deeds for the remainder of this life would be the second.
You are loved. You were always. You just didn't know that before. But now you do.
Sending you lots of love and blessings.

 

[Worndown]

Christianity has two main flavors.
One is filled with support, caring and love for others. Service and kindness prevail.

The other flavor is about denial, continually proving you are worthy and the promise of eternal damnation and suffering if you fail to meet these requirements.

One is purported to be initiated by a supreme being. One is the constructed by man.
Man is bad at this.

Take a deep breath and relax. You seem to be pre-paying your damnation right now.

You are here now, on this site, with a wide variety of people. All faiths, all styles, all professions and all fears.
We are the same.

You seem to have recovered from far right leanings. Simply recognizing that is the first step.

Go forward being a better, humble servant of mankind. Interact, learn and enjoy humanity on a common level.

You are one of us and that is not a bad thing.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Well, you acknowledge that you acted stupidly. That already makes you someone of value. I've always believed that cooperation in an inhospitable environment like life is natural. It's not linked to the supernatural, God, etc. We see cooperation in various species. In humans, this mechanism works to a certain extent given the tendency of this species to act in the most stupid ways. I use "cooperation," but in practice it translates to "not doing to others what I wouldn't want done to me." I don't know exactly if this past you recount is the reason you gave up. If it is, you should rethink it. You might end up discovering that you enjoy life more than you imagine. That's not my case. I have no doubt that life is meaningless and that we are only here by chance, therefore it makes no sense to be subjected to any discomfort caused by simply being alive.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I don't know exactly if this past you recount is the reason you gave up.

Here's the thing: I didn't do anything ELSE. I did menial work until 2019 and now I live with my dad. I'm 36. I can't fantasize anymore that I'm about to rise up and have a good life. Lying to myself and "living in my head" have kept me going at least since I dropped out of college 15 years ago. I have a nightmare life and I can't imagine a future where I somehow put my hand to the plow. What would I even do? How am I gonna pay bills? All I wanted were higher, self-actualizing things like art, scholarship, athletics. I never had them at a high level. But I kept telling myself I WOULD someday in my idle, grotesquely extended boyhood.

I really thought I was some kind of Nietzschean ubermensch sitting at home, posting on 4chan, smoking weed, and jacking off. I could not be more ridiculous.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Here's the thing: I didn't do anything ELSE. I did menial work until 2019 and now I live with my dad. I'm 36. I can't fantasize anymore that I'm about to rise up and have a good life. Lying to myself and "living in my head" have kept me going at least since I dropped out of college 15 years ago. I have a nightmare life and I can't imagine a future where I somehow put my hand to the plow. What would I even do? How am I gonna pay bills? All I wanted were higher, self-actualizing things like art, scholarship, athletics. I never had them at a high level. But I kept telling myself I WOULD someday in my idle, grotesquely extended boyhood.

I really thought I was some kind of Nietzschean ubermensch sitting at home, posting on 4chan, smoking weed, and jacking off. I could not be more ridiculous.

Well, then you're on your own. You're simply deciding whether you want to live through this ordeal or not. Your past is no longer relevant. You already know you acted stupidly. Like everyone else, you have the right to decide whether to continue. Unfortunately, as we know, if you decide to end this process, you won't get any help. Society condemns it, the state condemns it, and SI are your own enemy.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Well, then you're on your own. You're simply deciding whether you want to live through this ordeal or not. Your past is no longer relevant. You already know you acted stupidly. Like everyone else, you have the right to decide whether to continue. Unfortunately, as we know, if you decide to end this process, you won't get any help. Society condemns it, the state condemns it, and SI are your own enemy.

Ain't that the truth. I appreciate your frankness.