kingfool316
Meaninglesslife
- Sep 13, 2024
- 66
Does anybody here have always thought: "I can't see myself grow old" or "I'm not meant to last long in this world"
I never really think of the future or what to do in the long run. It's the consequence of allowing my family to tell me what to do. My siblings always make plans about business and family, but me? I'm impulsive and cynical. I get what can at least make me feel some joy short term but really won't last. Bought so many video games, especially gacha games, and got bored of most of them. I know I have self destructive tendencies as my way of trying to get some semblance of control in my life, but I always don't think much about it.
The future is always something that never really appeals to me. I can chalk it up to many factors in my life. Some people say they want to travel the world when they grow old. But i already travelled the world because of my old job as a seaman, but found little joy in it even after seeing so many beautiful sights and monuments. Not even after traveling to 6 out of the 7 continents of the word. It might be in my mind I already seen the world that I just can't seem to care what tomorrow brings.
Another factor could be that because of my family controlling most aspects of my life, I just have a skewed view in life. When you don't have much say in your life and bottle up your anger, frustration, and hatred, you tend to become cynical very early on bordering nihilistic. Even my old jobs were mostly on the behest of my family. Everything always seem to always point to my family that the thought of doing anything for myself without their input... scares me. I just don' t understand but I can't explain this fear of doing something by myself without my family telling me what to do. It both terrifies and enrages me. I became so dependant on them despite my introverted nature.
Another factor is that I do not want to have my own family. In my mind, my siblings can continue the family line, and they have kids of their own. I just don't see myself as a family man. I feared that having kids will either crush me because I just gave myself more problems or cause me to repeat the cycle of taking control away from their life. I just can't be a good father. I am just too broken and I just don't see any woman would be willing to end up with me and put up with my demons.
Okay I ranted on without saying much. I just wish to see if somebody here feels the same as me. Seeing themselves not growing old because they just see the future as a pointless endeavour
I never really think of the future or what to do in the long run. It's the consequence of allowing my family to tell me what to do. My siblings always make plans about business and family, but me? I'm impulsive and cynical. I get what can at least make me feel some joy short term but really won't last. Bought so many video games, especially gacha games, and got bored of most of them. I know I have self destructive tendencies as my way of trying to get some semblance of control in my life, but I always don't think much about it.
The future is always something that never really appeals to me. I can chalk it up to many factors in my life. Some people say they want to travel the world when they grow old. But i already travelled the world because of my old job as a seaman, but found little joy in it even after seeing so many beautiful sights and monuments. Not even after traveling to 6 out of the 7 continents of the word. It might be in my mind I already seen the world that I just can't seem to care what tomorrow brings.
Another factor could be that because of my family controlling most aspects of my life, I just have a skewed view in life. When you don't have much say in your life and bottle up your anger, frustration, and hatred, you tend to become cynical very early on bordering nihilistic. Even my old jobs were mostly on the behest of my family. Everything always seem to always point to my family that the thought of doing anything for myself without their input... scares me. I just don' t understand but I can't explain this fear of doing something by myself without my family telling me what to do. It both terrifies and enrages me. I became so dependant on them despite my introverted nature.
Another factor is that I do not want to have my own family. In my mind, my siblings can continue the family line, and they have kids of their own. I just don't see myself as a family man. I feared that having kids will either crush me because I just gave myself more problems or cause me to repeat the cycle of taking control away from their life. I just can't be a good father. I am just too broken and I just don't see any woman would be willing to end up with me and put up with my demons.
Okay I ranted on without saying much. I just wish to see if somebody here feels the same as me. Seeing themselves not growing old because they just see the future as a pointless endeavour
