Rabbit-
🎼 Achilles Come Down
- May 5, 2023
- 58
I really apologize for such a long post just to complain about nothing, as always I talk entirely too much. I very much don't mind if no one ends up reading this, it's just for my own sake.
I truly can't think of a better term for myself than the title. There really is just something unfixably wrong with me at my core. I don't feel like I'm capable of functioning on a fundamental level. Oftentimes I don't even feel human, as if I'm just a thing wearing the skin of who I was supposed to be.
I'm a burden who isn't good at anything, and my incompetence and failures cause trouble all the time. It seems like I can't do anything right- I struggle immensely with things others find simple.
I'm desperate for connection but incapable of it. I've hurt people I loved dearly by vanishing due to anxiety. I don't want to but I can never stop it. I'm a horrible person for it. It feels like every word that comes out of my mouth is wrong, too. I'm told I apologize too much, but to me it's never enough. I feel guilty that others have to be near me at all.
I once overheard my mother, unaware I was listening, tell someone "Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I didn't have her." She says she dislikes me and pretends to be joking. When I told her I wanted to die, she was unbothered- I feel that she was relieved by the idea of my death.
At the same time, she's well-liked by everyone else. Family is very important to her and she's told me how thrilled she was to have me. I made someone who wanted a child regret it. And despite all she does for me, I'm ungrateful and despise living.
I should never have been born- I've wasted so much of everyone's time and effort, and it frustrates me. I genuinely try so hard all the time to be better, but nothing changes.
I self-harm as punishment for existing like this, but no amount of cutting or starvation makes up for being alive. I hate myself. I hate having to live as a broken thing knowing I'm constantly failing and hurting others and I wish I'd just be put down already.
I don't understand why it'd be so 'horrific' for me to ctb when quite clearly no one is happy with me being here, myself most of all. It's cruelly hypocritical that despite this fact I'm still not allowed to die. Even if I'm sincerely loved, wouldn't they rather I be freed from pain than watch me miserably continue on like this year after year, suffering to the point of finding joy in hurting myself? I know I can't be fixed. It'd only be an act of mercy for me to die.
I truly can't think of a better term for myself than the title. There really is just something unfixably wrong with me at my core. I don't feel like I'm capable of functioning on a fundamental level. Oftentimes I don't even feel human, as if I'm just a thing wearing the skin of who I was supposed to be.
I'm a burden who isn't good at anything, and my incompetence and failures cause trouble all the time. It seems like I can't do anything right- I struggle immensely with things others find simple.
I'm desperate for connection but incapable of it. I've hurt people I loved dearly by vanishing due to anxiety. I don't want to but I can never stop it. I'm a horrible person for it. It feels like every word that comes out of my mouth is wrong, too. I'm told I apologize too much, but to me it's never enough. I feel guilty that others have to be near me at all.
I once overheard my mother, unaware I was listening, tell someone "Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I didn't have her." She says she dislikes me and pretends to be joking. When I told her I wanted to die, she was unbothered- I feel that she was relieved by the idea of my death.
At the same time, she's well-liked by everyone else. Family is very important to her and she's told me how thrilled she was to have me. I made someone who wanted a child regret it. And despite all she does for me, I'm ungrateful and despise living.
I should never have been born- I've wasted so much of everyone's time and effort, and it frustrates me. I genuinely try so hard all the time to be better, but nothing changes.
I self-harm as punishment for existing like this, but no amount of cutting or starvation makes up for being alive. I hate myself. I hate having to live as a broken thing knowing I'm constantly failing and hurting others and I wish I'd just be put down already.
I don't understand why it'd be so 'horrific' for me to ctb when quite clearly no one is happy with me being here, myself most of all. It's cruelly hypocritical that despite this fact I'm still not allowed to die. Even if I'm sincerely loved, wouldn't they rather I be freed from pain than watch me miserably continue on like this year after year, suffering to the point of finding joy in hurting myself? I know I can't be fixed. It'd only be an act of mercy for me to die.
