SoulWhisperer
Careless Soul « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 350
I wanna cry so much, but my body physically doesn't ever cry unless I'm REALLY, REALLY feeling broken.
I opened school app and saw a shitton of tests, assignments, exams and whatnot. Just opening it made me lose all the will I had to live for the day. It was so demotivating to see so much, and know that every day is a struggle to live, to breath, while I endure daily abuse and exploiting and nobody knows, nobody cares. People "close to me" keep hurting me and I feel shitty everyday.
Trust me, feeling shitty for some hours or a day is a thing: feeling shitty ALL days ALL day is something else. It reaches a point where it is psychologically too much and I am trapped. I cannot escape abuse I cannot escape life. I can't run I can't put myself out of this miserably pitiful existence.
My plans are always the same but I am always the same, incapable of doing anything, living off prayers and wishing to cry all day due to the emotional distress I bear. Online all I do is vent, vent, vent, because it's the only thing I can do when my life itself is a trauma. I feel sorry for my friends who constantly have to deal with this side of me but I can't help it. And when I don't feel heard or understood I feel even worse.
I feel physically trapped in this situation and I see NO way out; I don't need fake or hollow hope, I need something to fucking change. But I know too damn well nothing will ever magically change. I am stupid, too stupid. I don't have a method so now when I feel more suicidal than usual I just be like "i wanna get ran over by a train in the station near me" because I don't have fucking anything.
I low-key don't wanna "disappoint" my friends by CTBing but as I said before death is not a choice for me but rather the last resort, and I'm running out of options with my life. My brain is a fucking mess, I don't have help and I can't help myself, what a funny trio of shit I have. My life is an eternal cycle of suffering.
Dropout? Not dropout? CTB? Not CTB? Wish? Not wish? I don't fucking know anymore.
Even just a natural disaster or calamity wiping me out of existence would be fine so I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of doing it myself.
If you are in a similar or worse situation I am sorry, I hope you won't end up trapped like me too.
I opened school app and saw a shitton of tests, assignments, exams and whatnot. Just opening it made me lose all the will I had to live for the day. It was so demotivating to see so much, and know that every day is a struggle to live, to breath, while I endure daily abuse and exploiting and nobody knows, nobody cares. People "close to me" keep hurting me and I feel shitty everyday.
Trust me, feeling shitty for some hours or a day is a thing: feeling shitty ALL days ALL day is something else. It reaches a point where it is psychologically too much and I am trapped. I cannot escape abuse I cannot escape life. I can't run I can't put myself out of this miserably pitiful existence.
My plans are always the same but I am always the same, incapable of doing anything, living off prayers and wishing to cry all day due to the emotional distress I bear. Online all I do is vent, vent, vent, because it's the only thing I can do when my life itself is a trauma. I feel sorry for my friends who constantly have to deal with this side of me but I can't help it. And when I don't feel heard or understood I feel even worse.
I feel physically trapped in this situation and I see NO way out; I don't need fake or hollow hope, I need something to fucking change. But I know too damn well nothing will ever magically change. I am stupid, too stupid. I don't have a method so now when I feel more suicidal than usual I just be like "i wanna get ran over by a train in the station near me" because I don't have fucking anything.
I low-key don't wanna "disappoint" my friends by CTBing but as I said before death is not a choice for me but rather the last resort, and I'm running out of options with my life. My brain is a fucking mess, I don't have help and I can't help myself, what a funny trio of shit I have. My life is an eternal cycle of suffering.
Dropout? Not dropout? CTB? Not CTB? Wish? Not wish? I don't fucking know anymore.
Even just a natural disaster or calamity wiping me out of existence would be fine so I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of doing it myself.
If you are in a similar or worse situation I am sorry, I hope you won't end up trapped like me too.
