indecision and desperation

[d4zaidead]

im 18, i work in a chemistry lab internship for my last year of highschool so i can very easily access SN and get it over with. the only problem is that im very indecisive about this topic and can't ever commit to anything. some days i think that i'm just so ready to go, other days i mourn my youth that will go with me. sometimes i think i should do it while i still can, sometimes i think i should live to see what college is all about. sometimes i think i shouldn't put my brother through this, sometimes i think it was bound to happen anyways. sometimes i think i'll definitely find a reason to live eventually, sometimes i think that i just can't wait that long. sometimes the phrase "you haven't even experienced life yet, you still have so much ahead of you" terrifies me, sometimes it reassures me. sometimes i want to die, sometimes i don't.

what am i meant to do when it feels like im in a constant mental battle with my own self? which voice am i supposed to listen to? can someone just tell me what i'm supposed to be doing, please?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Nobody here can tell you whether you should CTB or not but do you have an idea why you have suicidal thoughts and why you want to CTB? What's triggering that? Can this trigger be treated and in the best case eliminated?

Questions. You only need to answer them for yourself.

Have you tried therapy or other treatments?

I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace.

 

[d4zaidead]

Nobody here can tell you whether you should CTB or not but do you have an idea why you have suicidal thoughts and why you want to CTB? What's triggering that? Can this trigger be treated and in the best case eliminated?

Questions. You only need to answer them for yourself.

Have you tried therapy or other treatments?

I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace.

i've had a pretty traumatic childhood and i guess i still haven't managed to get over it even though the abuse has lessened over the years. i was always a suicidal child. i think i came out of the womb self destructive and cynical.

i've tried to convince myself that it's all in the past, that even though i still get beaten up and degraded, i can be okay because i'm older now and "tougher", but i cant. i just can't. i have nightmares almost every single night about things that have happened to me. i wake up in the morning and immediately i'm filled with immense dread. i don't think i've ever woken up excited about anything.

im consumed by these thoughts. i keep fantasizing about what it would be like when i kill myself, how it would affect people around me, what would happen to all my stuff, where i'd be buried, etc. i think i'm fucked up beyond repair.

nobody really knows about this. in fact, i think some people would describe me as a happy person.

and i've never went to therapy.

thank you for replying, it means a lot to be heard by someone.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

I had similar experiences to you when I was in and around your age. You'll get surer of the answer as your brain still develops. If it's not a 100% most of the time you want to die, then I would advice holding off, you can't do anything about the thoughts except process them.

 

[SmollMushroom]

In my opinion one should see ctb as the ultimate choice. When there is no other way out.
From my understanding you are still very young and there are many things you can try out like therapy or meds, so I think you should be very thoughtful about what you plan to do.
That's just my opinion anyways.