Venting Indecision about suicide

[User35688446786]

I keep on flipping between I want to die and no stay don't die and it's doing my head in. I have a method, I know what I need to do I just need to walk up not think about it and jump. But this constant shifting between give life one more go (I've given life 5 years of one more go's) and wanting to die is torment. At this point every bad emotion I feel I just feel stupid for feeling because the only reason I have to live with it is because I can't just kill myself. I don't think it's even survival instinct at this point. I'm just eternally optimistic about the most stupid things I can make any bad experience into a positive, but I can't feel anymore sadness or disappointment in my life. Any one got any advice?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

if you are flipping between dying and staying, then you are not ready to CTB yet.

 

[User35688446786]

if you are flipping between dying and staying, then you are not ready to CTB yet.

See that's what I was kind of thinking but it's involuantry like every part of me wants to be dead, but it's the tiny little bit of hope in my brain that overtakes it. I have many half arsed suicide attempts already and one proper proper one last year which didn't work (exit bag, issue with the hose connected to the helium half way through). Like because I don't have any form of depression I'm never in a constantly low state so I think that's why, I'm just very reactive to my environment

 

[WorthlessTrash]

See that's what I was kind of thinking but it's involuantry like every part of me wants to be dead, but it's the tiny little bit of hope in my brain that overtakes it. I have many half arsed suicide attempts already and one proper proper one last year which didn't work (exit bag, issue with the hose connected to the helium half way through). Like because I don't have any form of depression I'm never in a constantly low state so I think that's why, I'm just very reactive to my environment

That is what we call survival instinct here.

 

[User35688446786]

That is what we call survival instinct here.

It's the jealousy over peoples successful attempts that get me, there's been a few people who have successful managed it from my chosen spot in the last couple weeks and every time I see a news article about it I'm so jealous, but that could easily have been me it's so easy

 

[WorthlessTrash]

It's the jealousy over peoples successful attempts that get me, there's been a few people who have successful managed it from my chosen spot in the last couple weeks and every time I see a news article about it I'm so jealous, but that could easily have been me it's so easy

But do you actually want to die? If you're going back and forth on it, I don't think you do.

If it's not too personal, may I ask why you seem to want to leave?

 

[User35688446786]

But do you actually want to die? If you're going back and forth on it, I don't think you do.

If it's not too personal, may I ask why you seem to want to leave?

So yeah I definitely want to die. There's many reasons, I struggle massively with life in general I get overwhelmed by very small things, everything bad I feel so intensely it feels like physical pain and so it means I go through life very scared of what might set me off. Still in the process of working out what's wrong with me from a mental health diagnosis stand point. It's weird because I'm not depressed I'm generally happy most the time I'm just very reactive. Also incredibly bored stuff interests me but I have the attention span of a small child pretty much so I'm so easily distracted and then get frustrated for not being able to focus on anything. Basically feel trapped by my own brain a lot of the time and have been like this since I was a child so it's gotten very stressful. I feel like I'm constantly trying to fit into a mould that I don't really fit into. It's not sustainable for me to live life like this at all but I can't really change how my mind works, I've tried years of therapy it helped to an extent but I just can't really fit.

Edit to add: basically I feel like I have a lot of potential and a lot of dreams etc but I just can't really achieve what I would like in the way society is set up the world doesn't seem to work right, down to how people interact. As a general I think 99% of people are lovely and wonderful but everyone's so scared and wary of each other and I just don't understand why people don't just talk to strangers more and that kind of thing the world seems so closed off and scared and I don't get it

 

[WorthlessTrash]

So yeah I definitely want to die. There's many reasons, I struggle massively with life in general I get overwhelmed by very small things, everything bad I feel so intensely it feels like physical pain and so it means I go through life very scared of what might set me off. Still in the process of working out what's wrong with me from a mental health diagnosis stand point. It's weird because I'm not depressed I'm generally happy most the time I'm just very reactive. Also incredibly bored stuff interests me but I have the attention span of a small child pretty much so I'm so easily distracted and then get frustrated for not being able to focus on anything. Basically feel trapped by my own brain a lot of the time and have been like this since I was a child so it's gotten very stressful. I feel like I'm constantly trying to fit into a mould that I don't really fit into. It's not sustainable for me to live life like this at all but I can't really change how my mind works, I've tried years of therapy it helped to an extent but I just can't really fit.

Edit to add: basically I feel like I have a lot of potential and a lot of dreams etc but I just can't really achieve what I would like in the way society is set up the world doesn't seem to work right, down to how people interact. As a general I think 99% of people are lovely and wonderful but everyone's so scared and wary of each other and I just don't understand why people don't just talk to strangers more and that kind of thing the world seems so closed off and scared and I don't get it

I guess you have to figure out a way to overcome your SI if you want to CTB. It is your choice and you seem 100% sure you want to go. When you push through your SI, you will be ready then.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an difficult situation to be in, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I also feel envious of those that have ctb as they cannot suffer anymore and are at peace. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[befree]

Sounds like you are not ready to die yet. Maybe an inner voice tells you to wait.

 

[may13]

if you are flipping between dying and staying, then you are not ready to CTB yet.

This.

Pay attention to the simple truth in this statement.

 

[User35688446786]

This.

Pay attention to the simple truth in this statement.

Yeah I can for sure understand the reasoning. The thing is the reasons I'd stay are super conceited like very inflated ego vibes which doesn't seem right like not to sound like a prick but I know that my friends and people in my life think a lot of me and like why would I take myself away from them (I know how that sounds) and then I overthink that and then I'm like why am I so arrogant

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yeah I can for sure understand the reasoning. The thing is the reasons I'd stay are super conceited like very inflated ego vibes which doesn't seem right like not to sound like a prick but I know that my friends and people in my life think a lot of me and like why would I take myself away from them (I know how that sounds) and then I overthink that and then I'm like why am I so arrogant

Not wanting to hurt your loved ones is a valid reason to hesitate.

 

[User35688446786]

Not wanting to hurt your loved ones is a valid reason to hesitate.

This is the other confusing thing, sorry about this haha. They wouldn't really be that hurt just cause I've told them all ages ago it's probably going to happen at some point and they're all super supportive of what ever I decide to do obviously they're not like helping me and they would 100% call the police if they knew exact time and dates etc but they're all really understanding
I'm very lucky, but then that support confuses me more
And it's really annoying because rationally I wouldn't know either way if it ends it ends and I won't know it's ended like rationally I know that I likely will feel pain for the rest of my life with inner conflicts but if I die that will stop and it will be nothingness in this consciousness, so I don't know why I'm so scared. The mind is crazy

 

[imcurious]

So yeah I definitely want to die. There's many reasons, I struggle massively with life in general I get overwhelmed by very small things, everything bad I feel so intensely it feels like physical pain and so it means I go through life very scared of what might set me off. Still in the process of working out what's wrong with me from a mental health diagnosis stand point. It's weird because I'm not depressed I'm generally happy most the time I'm just very reactive. Also incredibly bored stuff interests me but I have the attention span of a small child pretty much so I'm so easily distracted and then get frustrated for not being able to focus on anything. Basically feel trapped by my own brain a lot of the time and have been like this since I was a child so it's gotten very stressful. I feel like I'm constantly trying to fit into a mould that I don't really fit into. It's not sustainable for me to live life like this at all but I can't really change how my mind works, I've tried years of therapy it helped to an extent but I just can't really fit.

Edit to add: basically I feel like I have a lot of potential and a lot of dreams etc but I just can't really achieve what I would like in the way society is set up the world doesn't seem to work right, down to how people interact. As a general I think 99% of people are lovely and wonderful but everyone's so scared and wary of each other and I just don't understand why people don't just talk to strangers more and that kind of thing the world seems so closed off and scared and I don't get it

What's interesting is I can relate to this to a great extent. You say you're generally happy but you seem to be reactive to your environment. Do you go through periodic cycles of extreme highs and lows? Or are they more like short-term cycles? That could be indicative of a mood disorder, which, of course, should be verified by a liscensed medical professional.

I myself feel the latter. I go through constant cycles of highs and lows. I'm not in a constant state of depression, though it's always in the background. When it gets bad, it gets really bad. I seem to be enough of a socially communicative person, and I can function well enough to hold down a job or carry out executive tasks. Does this sound anything at all like you?

I'm also trying to get help before I decide to CTB. SI is a strong thing, perhaps a good thing when we still feel that tiny bit of optimism in the back of our minds. I wish you much luck.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah I can for sure understand the reasoning. The thing is the reasons I'd stay are super conceited like very inflated ego vibes which doesn't seem right like not to sound like a prick but I know that my friends and people in my life think a lot of me and like why would I take myself away from them (I know how that sounds) and then I overthink that and then I'm like why am I so arrogant

That doesn't sound arrogant at all... sounds like you appreciate your friends and the people around you. That you recognise that they like/love you- nothing wrong in that. I think in fact it's one of the things people struggle with the most when contemplating suicide- how it may affect the people around them.

It's near impossible to really know another person's mind- I guess that's the real tradegy with mental stuff- it's much harder to diagnose than something physical. As such, it's also near impossible to advise on what seems like the best thing to do.

Still, from what you've said- although life can seem suddenly overwhelming for you and I can see how a quick exit might seem like a good idea in that instant- I think maybe you yourself recognise that these are quick fire reactions to things that set you off? Does your suicidal reaction seem like a good idea once you have gotten over that period? Are they like panic attacks? It does sound like a really unpleasant rollercoaster to be on but like others have said, I think this hesitation you have may be because there are other things to try before checking out. (Wish I could tell you what they were- would be good I guess if we could all reprogram our brains). All the best to you.

 

[User35688446786]

What's interesting is I can relate to this to a great extent. You say you're generally happy but you seem to be reactive to your environment. Do you go through periodic cycles of extreme highs and lows? Or are they more like short-term cycles? That could be indicative of a mood disorder, which, of course, should be verified by a liscensed medical professional.

I myself feel the latter. I go through constant cycles of highs and lows. I'm not in a constant state of depression, though it's always in the background. When it gets bad, it gets really bad. I seem to be enough of a socially communicative person, and I can function well enough to hold down a job or carry out executive tasks. Does this sound anything at all like you?

I'm also trying to get help before I decide to CTB. SI is a strong thing, perhaps a good thing when we still feel that tiny bit of optimism in the back of our minds. I wish you much luck.

So, it's very very quick if someone does something that upsets me or winds me up I snap and either implode or explode, but then I can be happy later that day or sooner depending on the situation. Obviously things can upset me longer term but I've never had depression and even when I'm sad I wouldn't say it's depression it's more overwhelm cause I'm not in control of a situation. It's particularly bad when someone else has the final decision on something. I struggle quite a lot with overstimulation if I'm in a busy environment or there's a lot of loud noise etc on top of that.

Yeah I can hold down a job, I do struggle with descion making if there's too much to decide at once I just freeze up but overall I'm pretty good at like life stuff like holding a job paying bills all that stuff. But then at the same time I find it all so dull which I know a lot of people do but I feel like life should be more than paying bills and working like there's something missing and I think that might just be that people don't connect right, like I'd love it if it was normal to just be able to have a chat with someone you don't know on the street or like when you're waiting for the bus or whatever but particularly where I live it's just an unspoken rule you don't speak to or make eye contact with strangers unless you absolutely have to

That doesn't sound arrogant at all... sounds like you appreciate your friends and the people around you. That you recognise that they like/love you- nothing wrong in that. I think in fact it's one of the things people struggle with the most when contemplating suicide- how it may affect the people around them.

It's near impossible to really know another person's mind- I guess that's the real tradegy with mental stuff- it's much harder to diagnose than something physical. As such, it's also near impossible to advise on what seems like the best thing to do.

Still, from what you've said- although life can seem suddenly overwhelming for you and I can see how a quick exit might seem like a good idea in that instant- I think maybe you yourself recognise that these are quick fire reactions to things that set you off? Does your suicidal reaction seem like a good idea once you have gotten over that period? Are they like panic attacks? It does sound like a really unpleasant rollercoaster to be on but like others have said, I think this hesitation you have may be because there are other things to try before checking out. (Wish I could tell you what they were- would be good I guess if we could all reprogram our brains). All the best to you.

Yeah I completely agree with the friends stuff i think that's what makes it hard a lot of people don't have that support network so I almost feel like I'm being ungrateful in a way ?

With regards to suicidal thoughts, at the minute I'm in a pretty calm place relatively but still very much want to end it. When I get super overwhelmed it def has similarities to a panic attack but with a slight edge of something else that's hard to describe.

Yeah I'm kinda running out of options of stuff to try I think that's why I'm kinda getting to the end end point, like I no longer have the hope that whatever new therapy I try will work cause nothings really stuck to far and lifestyle changes etc never seem to have the desired affect. Part of me wonders if I have unmedicated adhd and it's a dopamine issue not a seretonin issue or something but getting diagnosed seems really stressful at the age

 

[downndone2]

If you're not sure, it isnt time. Please dont do anything impulsive, as there is no going back