What's interesting is I can relate to this to a great extent. You say you're generally happy but you seem to be reactive to your environment. Do you go through periodic cycles of extreme highs and lows? Or are they more like short-term cycles? That could be indicative of a mood disorder, which, of course, should be verified by a liscensed medical professional.
I myself feel the latter. I go through constant cycles of highs and lows. I'm not in a constant state of depression, though it's always in the background. When it gets bad, it gets really bad. I seem to be enough of a socially communicative person, and I can function well enough to hold down a job or carry out executive tasks. Does this sound anything at all like you?
I'm also trying to get help before I decide to CTB. SI is a strong thing, perhaps a good thing when we still feel that tiny bit of optimism in the back of our minds. I wish you much luck.
So, it's very very quick if someone does something that upsets me or winds me up I snap and either implode or explode, but then I can be happy later that day or sooner depending on the situation. Obviously things can upset me longer term but I've never had depression and even when I'm sad I wouldn't say it's depression it's more overwhelm cause I'm not in control of a situation. It's particularly bad when someone else has the final decision on something. I struggle quite a lot with overstimulation if I'm in a busy environment or there's a lot of loud noise etc on top of that.
Yeah I can hold down a job, I do struggle with descion making if there's too much to decide at once I just freeze up but overall I'm pretty good at like life stuff like holding a job paying bills all that stuff. But then at the same time I find it all so dull which I know a lot of people do but I feel like life should be more than paying bills and working like there's something missing and I think that might just be that people don't connect right, like I'd love it if it was normal to just be able to have a chat with someone you don't know on the street or like when you're waiting for the bus or whatever but particularly where I live it's just an unspoken rule you don't speak to or make eye contact with strangers unless you absolutely have to
That doesn't sound arrogant at all... sounds like you appreciate your friends and the people around you. That you recognise that they like/love you- nothing wrong in that. I think in fact it's one of the things people struggle with the most when contemplating suicide- how it may affect the people around them.
It's near impossible to really know another person's mind- I guess that's the real tradegy with mental stuff- it's much harder to diagnose than something physical. As such, it's also near impossible to advise on what seems like the best thing to do.
Still, from what you've said- although life can seem suddenly overwhelming for you and I can see how a quick exit might seem like a good idea in that instant- I think maybe you yourself recognise that these are quick fire reactions to things that set you off? Does your suicidal reaction seem like a good idea once you have gotten over that period? Are they like panic attacks? It does sound like a really unpleasant rollercoaster to be on but like others have said, I think this hesitation you have may be because there are other things to try before checking out. (Wish I could tell you what they were- would be good I guess if we could all reprogram our brains). All the best to you.
Yeah I completely agree with the friends stuff i think that's what makes it hard a lot of people don't have that support network so I almost feel like I'm being ungrateful in a way ?
With regards to suicidal thoughts, at the minute I'm in a pretty calm place relatively but still very much want to end it. When I get super overwhelmed it def has similarities to a panic attack but with a slight edge of something else that's hard to describe.
Yeah I'm kinda running out of options of stuff to try I think that's why I'm kinda getting to the end end point, like I no longer have the hope that whatever new therapy I try will work cause nothings really stuck to far and lifestyle changes etc never seem to have the desired affect. Part of me wonders if I have unmedicated adhd and it's a dopamine issue not a seretonin issue or something but getting diagnosed seems really stressful at the age