Discussion Increased Suicidal Thoughts And The Holidays

[Empty Smile]

Sugar free or regular?

Regular... I don't do sugar free.

 

[Jean4]

Regular... I don't do sugar free.

Well, since I am 51 and have never had friends.... I can have two best friends. Making up for lost time!

 

[Empty Smile]

Well, since I am 51 and have never had friends.... I can have two best friends. Making up for lost time!

I'll have to consider this request...

 

[Jean4]

I'll have to consider this request...

Take your time... I'm not going anywhere today ;)

 

[LastFlowers]

100%, holidays really push me over the edge..I think because I am not one of those people who inherently hate the holidays and dread having to see family members..on the contrary, I want to enjoy the holidays, I want to love them, I want to see family..but I just can't. I can't have them see me. I am trapped. I can't enjoy anything, and so the holidays become like a piece of meat hanging over my head by a string. Where everyone else can reach it but me.

I've gotten to the point where if I can't enjoy something or be a part of it, then I don't want it to exist.
Sorry but I cannot feel happy for others, I don't even understand that statement unless a person is already happy themselves-something I can no longer be due to extenuating circumstances.
The holidays and other's enjoyment of them have just become another device of torture in life's tool shed.

And yes, whenever any event comes up that I would have wanted to be a part of, or anything happens that further outlines how apart I am and how fucked I am compared to others
, it does make me want to end things as soon as possible so I don't have to live through that again.

 

[k75]

The last four months of the year are the hardest for me. All in a row are the date I lost my cousin, lost my grandmother (who was one of the two most important people in my life), her birthday, the anniversary of losing my grandfather, my birthday, and the anniversary of the surgery that destroyed my life.

Plus, there's the holidays, and I'm half a country away from my family with no hope of travel. And to top things off, my best friend is in the process of moving very far away, so I'll be completely alone this year through all of it.

These things are difficult enough when my brain isn't trying to kill me...

 

[Lethe]

Will you be handing out candy laced with fentynal?

Would you like a Saltwater Taffy? Surprise! The saltwater was sodium nitrite.

Well, since I am 51 and have never had friends....

This makes me sad

 

[andy69]

Well, since I am 51 and have never had friends.... I can have two best friends. Making up for lost time!

I know how you fell I turn fifty last week. I didn't get a single card or any recognition from anyone.

 

[BPD_LE]

I know how you fell I turn fifty last week. I didn't get a single card or any recognition from anyone.

Happy 50th Birthday for last week my friend ❤

 

[pole]

This may be just me, but during the holidays, my suicidal ideations increase a million times over. Being alone, and having no friends and family when society says this is family time.

I know my cycle of this happening, and it is happening earlier this year. The increased suicidal feelings are coming. I recently had a failed attempt (OD'd, was found by my super, hospitalized ICU then psych ward.)

Do any of you get worse holiday time? Do any of you plan to CTB before the holidays because you just don't want to live through them again?

If this does happen to you, and you do not want to CTB and stick around, what do you do to get through this?

I am coming off a suicide attempt. This is a very bad time of year with my ideations. I want to stick around. I have my cat Milo, and I want to live for him. However, those feelings get really strong around the holidays.....

even when it isnt the holidays, whenever im isolated and secluded, or in all just alone; i start to feel extremely shitty, then come the thoughts and me wanting to ctb. its wierd, i have to be around people, to feel just less alone; comfortable, sane and not feel insane. being alone just drives me crazy, even if its for literally a day. im probably the most depressed on like long weekends, or days where i have absolutely no plans. And it gets worse, when i dont have plans for days on end. sadly its like an ongoing battle with me, i know i get worse when im alone, but i still push everyone away to be alone.

 

[Dishonorable]

yeah, I noticed now that I was free of work for a week that my suicidal thoughts/plans rapidly increased. I just had too much time thinking about my crappy life. but thinking about going back to work makes me cry too.

 

[Jean4]

even when it isnt the holidays, whenever im isolated and secluded, or in all just alone; i start to feel extremely shitty, then come the thoughts and me wanting to ctb. its wierd, i have to be around people, to feel just less alone; comfortable, sane and not feel insane. being alone just drives me crazy, even if its for literally a day. im probably the most depressed on like long weekends, or days where i have absolutely no plans. And it gets worse, when i dont have plans for days on end. sadly its like an ongoing battle with me, i know i get worse when im alone, but i still push everyone away to be alone.

Remember.... you always have us.:)

I know how you fell I turn fifty last week. I didn't get a single card or any recognition from anyone.

Happy Birthday @andy69 !!!!!!

 

[BlueWidow]

Yes, the holidays at the end of the year are the worst. I hate pretty much all holidays at this point and refuse to participate in any of them, but I hate the time of the year from October through December the most.

I hate October because it's the month my husband and I met and also the month in which he died. I also hate Halloween now because, like all other holidays, it just reminds me of him.

I hate November because of Thanksgiving.
To be honest, I've never liked Thanksgiving, other than the period of my life when I had my husband around. When I was younger, I hated it because I hated being around my family. Now I hate it because my sister-in-law is always trying to use any holiday, particularly Thanksgiving, as an excuse to try to get me to come and spend the night at her house. That's the last place on earth I want to be is anywhere surrounded by people. Her house is always full of people. Plus, now her two young grandchildren are living with her and the last time I was over there, they were running around & screaming and I got a horrible headache.
December is the worst month of all because it contains all of the holidays that I always looked forward to the most when my husband was alive. The period of time between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day is the single most torturous period of the entire year for me. My wedding anniversary is December 27th and New Year's Eve was my favorite holiday to celebrate with my husband because we never went anywhere. We would always stay at home alone together, order a pizza, drink some champagne, and watch either a really bad (funny) 1950s science fiction movie or a really good movie.
Our favorite was Casablanca.
That was "our movie". We watched it just about every year.
This year I'm really hoping to be gone before Thanksgiving. If I can't do it before Thanksgiving, then I most definitely hope I can do it before Christmas.

 

[Haku]

Oh yes, I dont have an exact day yet, but, I do plan to ctb no later than 2 weeks before Christmas. For the past 6 years, I have not really cared about Christmas, and I cut out my family out of my life a very long time ago, except for my mom, but she goes with her family, while I just lock myself up in my room, and just hate life. And I dont want to make it to the new year, and also, my Birthday is on January 11th, my most hated day of the year, reason being is that it's just a reminder that I was forced to keep living another year of hell, and a small reason being that I dont like myself getting older, so i dont want to make it near that day, let alone the month, so that's why i chose to ctb before Christmas. Oh and almost forgot a reason, not too big, but my apartment lease also ends in January, and I live with my mom, she just got re engaged to her ex husband of 10 years, so once the lease is up, she is moving in with him. She offered to rent me a small cheap apartment of my own, but I dont like being a freeloader, I dont want to go somewhere disgusting, and even if I did live longer into the new year, I'm still going to hate my life and still want to ctb, it will only be prolonging the inevitable, so its best that I go before 2019 is over with.

 

[Gamja]

I was dead set to ctb a few days before Christmas. I couldn't bear the thought of spending it alone this year. Ironically, now that my preparations are pretty much complete, I'm suddenly in a better state. Before I got what I needed, I was always angry or in a miserable state. Now I'm suddenly calm and even cheerful around others.
I wish it will be easier for people to have control over their own life because I can say that now that I know I have a way out, I can take all the crap from the people around me without feeling bad about myself.
Who knows, maybe I stick around for a bit longer than Christmas since I'm getting a different perspective of things.

 

[JTG1972]

I have noticed the same. Once my SN arrived I felt much calmer and more certain. I still have moments of strong anxiety but knowing I can end it as soon as I want is strangely relaxing.

 

[Gorvox]

I'm the same, literally on the virge of suicide, I want someone to give a fk and do for them....i know if I just didnt hate myself I would be okay alone but it's a work in progress and idk if I will make it.... I actually wanted to find a site that encourages suicide, I have nembutol and am ready

 

[kappa]

Being alone on the actual holiday whatever.. but how do you respond when co workers or randoms ask you "how it went", did you "get anything good".

I don't want to lie but don't want to be super depressing either.. What do you guys say when asked about it?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

The holidays are the worst time of year for me. Its reminds me of the life I used to have, loved ones who are dead and how alone I am. It seems like bad things always happen to me around the holidays too so I just brace myself for the next crisis that will push me over the edge. Its certainly not "the most wonderful time of the year" like that xmas song goes....

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

And here we are again. Another year. Another holiday season...

 

[Sweet emotion]

This may be just me, but during the holidays, my suicidal ideations increase a million times over. Being alone, and having no friends and family when society says this is family time.

I know my cycle of this happening, and it is happening earlier this year. The increased suicidal feelings are coming. I recently had a failed attempt (OD'd, was found by my super, hospitalized ICU then psych ward.)

Do any of you get worse holiday time? Do any of you plan to CTB before the holidays because you just don't want to live through them again?

If this does happen to you, and you do not want to CTB and stick around, what do you do to get through this?

I am coming off a suicide attempt. This is a very bad time of year with my ideations. I want to stick around. I have my cat Milo, and I want to live for him. However, those feelings get really strong around the holidays.....

I sympathize with what you're going through. The holidays is when most people commit suicide because it's a time if togetherness with family and friends. And some of us have neither. For the past 14 years due to a physical illness I have been unable to celebrate the holidays with my family. During these past 14 years two very important people in my life have passed away. My father and my nonna, grandma in Italian. She was the person that made all the holidays so wonderful and magical for us. When she passed away the family kind of split apart in three different groups. My nonno was with my mother and me. My aunt had her family and my uncle had his family. But being that I'm sick, I'm unable to participate in any if the holiday activities I used to do. We would do the night of the seven fishes on Christmas Eve and then a great big celebration on Christmas. Night before Christmas Eve the women in the family would go to my nonnas house and we would start preparing all the food. It takes time to prepare all that we ate. And we enjoyed being in the kitchen together. I'd make little desserts that you could munch on through the day and my nonna would make the big desserts. I'm a good Baker but she was the master cook. We'd watch the godfather haha and all my cousins would get together and just snuggle up. I'm the oldest by eight years so they all clung to me. We would have stuffed mushrooms, all kinds of cheese and pepperoni. A seafood salad which I still miss to this day. Every man in my family is named Anthony haha. Except my father. So we had to use code for which Anthony we wanted to talk to. We'd crack all kinds of nuts and my nonna would make bruschetta. Shrimp. None of us like turkey that much so my nonna would make manicotti or lasagna with meatballs, pork bones, and sausage. A big salad. I look back and I smile when I think of those times but then the smile fades because I know there will never be anything like that again. There hasn't been for 14 years already. I had to stop attending holidays even when my nonna was alive because I have a severe painful nerve condition in my ears and head. So it hurts like hell to listen to people talk and to talk myself. And my family is Italian so you know what that means. We're loud. Haha. And of course fights would always break out and we would wind up cursing at each other and then eating with each other two minutes later.

I used to go Christmas tree shopping with my dad. I remember the last Christmas we spent together we got the most beautiful tree. I love decorating Christmas trees. I decorate the whole house when it's Christmas. Well I used to. And on Christmas Eve we would all open just one present because we'd get antsy. Then on Christmas morning my dad would make french toast and his famous home fries which are the best I've ever tasted in my life. He always had a great spirit and I miss him so much. And my nonna. I won't eat sause anymore or Sunday gravy because no one makes it like she did.

So now I'm not able to do anything I used to do. I watch the Christmas movies and get sad. I hear the music and get sad. I see what everyone else is doing and all the plans they have and get sad. Out of his three children and four grandchildren my nonno is closest with me and my mom and when my dad passed away he took the role of my father. Never wanting me to feel left out because all my other cousins had dad's. So he comes here every Thanksgiving and Christmas. We don't do anything special. But it's nice that I have two people that I can count on being there for me. So it breaks my heart that you are going to be alone. No one should be alone for the holidays. Many of us on here have all lost huge parts of our lives and yes it's extremely depressing around the holidays. It's gotten to the point where we don't say Merry Christmas. With how sick I am there's nothing merry about it. And Thanksgiving, there's nothing I'm really thankful for anymore. The physical pain is excruciating and has ended my life. I just exist now. I don't live. My nonno has become very angry because I got sick at such a young age. I was 20 and I'm 34 now and I thank.....well....I don't believe in God anymore but I'll just say I thank God that he is still here and I pretty good health at 86 years old. He's taught me how to speak Italian over the years. We have spent a hell of a lot of time together. He's been there for me every step of the way. He keeps telling me.....fight it Audriana. Keep fighting it. But he knows that this is not the life I had in mind for myself or the one I want to live. He comes over every day for dinner to keep my company and he tells me these great stories. But it's all gone now. And there is only emptiness. We just act like it's another day. Just another ordinary day because to us it is. My illness has caused my mother and nonno to be very upset so we don't get all Holly and jolly.

I hope this year you're able to find at least one person to spend the holidays with. I know this may sound so silly but have you ever thought about volunteering at a soup kitchen for the holidays and serving food to the homeless? You wouldn't be alone and maybe it would make you feel good about yourself. You would know that these people would be grateful to you for spending your time with them. And if there is nothing for you to do on that day......just PM me. I'm pretty sure I'll still be here and we can chat for a while and you won't be so alone.

 

[morningdew]

they are the worst

 

[Sweet emotion]

Halloween is usually a big one for me where my outlook starts to dip more (am I imagining that it's getting as money based as Christmas? I used to love it cuz it's like, the anti Christmas, no family if you don't want, just candy and dumb movies!) but the whole tiny-family-no-friends-super-drained bit definitely sucks the fun out of November and December.

Well I don't agree with the dumb movies part haha. I've been watching horror movies since I was five and I have a devoted love towards them. But yes Halloween is a holiday that you can be by yourself and it's ok. This was a bad Halloween though. My mother takes care of me because I'm physically sick and we had the biggest fight we'd ever had and we didn't talk for the whole month. Very awkward in a small apartment. And I love watching movies with her so it wasn't much fun by myself. Plus autumn came and went so whickly this year. I don't even think it ever landed.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I don't know if it's the depression however I really just don't care about Xmas, all I think about is 2021 summer when I can finally act on these thoughts and be gone. My mom just walked in my room asking why I'm shutting out the world and I looked her in the face and said "I'm just not feeling it" she knows I have depression however my dad doesn't know, I don't want my older brothers, younger siblings to know, I don't want them
To worry, all I know is I MUST continue to pretend until summer 2021 when I can leave this torture of a mind and life forever. I'll probably drink some alcohol tonight and watch the Witcher series, my bf and I aren't on speaking terms we got into a bad argument the other night because I told him I wanted to end things as I'm not feeling well and he continues to emotionally blackmail me and I'm just not interested in being invested in a relationship when I feel like crap mentally and physically.