Specific_Milk
Student
- Aug 28, 2022
- 103
All I've ever done in life is try. Sure it wasn't 100% effort all the time but I took things seriously since I was young and it's got me to places that were once the dreams of my younger self. Now that I'm living the 'dream' so to speak and objectively speaking my life seems okay from the outside, I've never felt more horrible and dejected as I'm feeling at the moment. I've been robbed of my youth and for everything I've done it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair and people have been robbed of more important things like their parents. I'm grateful to still have them and I'm grateful for everything I have. But that doesn't equate to being content. I don't want happiness necessarily. One can do that by doping oneself up with drugs. I just want to feel like I have got what it takes to make it in life, but I don't. If things are going okay rn and I'm this miserable? Then Fuck me... what is any more improvement gonna do ...
I've tried my hardest when I could. I've always dealt with things myself and I try to be as little a burden on my parents as possible. They know I'm trying my best and they trust me alot (perhaps too much). But I cannot take this pressure anymore. I've been struggling to cope for the past 2-3 years and I just want this to end. I see no future for myself. It's all so difficult and I cant tell anyone in real life for that will push the few people in my life away from me. I'm miserable everyday. I sleep to suicidal thoughts and wake up to suicidal thoughts. I used to be a more coherent and logical writer than this but i cant be arsed anymore. I feel horrible everyday and it really fogs up my capacity for clear thought. I just want to die. I have attempted to ctb before and have a method available at hand. I wish I could open up to people but I cant. My life is fated to end this way. Without significance and in solitude. God please give me the strength to do it when the time comes. I beg of you. I'm inept and foul. My head is a cesspool of self hated and anxiety. This is a miserable state of existence and I need to end it. There is nothing left in me. Just a carcass in waiting.
I've tried my hardest when I could. I've always dealt with things myself and I try to be as little a burden on my parents as possible. They know I'm trying my best and they trust me alot (perhaps too much). But I cannot take this pressure anymore. I've been struggling to cope for the past 2-3 years and I just want this to end. I see no future for myself. It's all so difficult and I cant tell anyone in real life for that will push the few people in my life away from me. I'm miserable everyday. I sleep to suicidal thoughts and wake up to suicidal thoughts. I used to be a more coherent and logical writer than this but i cant be arsed anymore. I feel horrible everyday and it really fogs up my capacity for clear thought. I just want to die. I have attempted to ctb before and have a method available at hand. I wish I could open up to people but I cant. My life is fated to end this way. Without significance and in solitude. God please give me the strength to do it when the time comes. I beg of you. I'm inept and foul. My head is a cesspool of self hated and anxiety. This is a miserable state of existence and I need to end it. There is nothing left in me. Just a carcass in waiting.
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