Discussion inadequacy and guilt, maybe nothing new

[noroominthishell]

hi all. new here, forgive me if this isn't very interesting, or if it's already been discussed a million times.

i've been lurking for a bit and generally, it feels like most posters here do have good reasons to feel the way they do.

my life is cushy as hell by comparison, it feels almost insulting to have suicidal ideation when i don't have any real reason for it, i'm just weak and can't handle simple things.

is it normal to feel as though you don't deserve to be suicidal? especially in the early stages when you first start properly planning it out?

obviously there's a guilt factor, i'm very lucky for my family and social life. but that's not even enough at this point to dissuade me.

i just feel guilty for feeling this way in general. as though, by all means, i should be happy, but instead i'm taking resources away from people who actually need psych help, who actually have valid reasons not to want to go through with life anymore. or like i'm making a mockery of other suicidal people, by pretending, by having convinced myself to have these thoughts somehow on purpose, to what end i have no idea. but that thought plagues me. regular old impostor syndrome i guess.

i dunno, i just feel like a spoiled kid who never suffered a day in their life, wanting the "easy way out" after they get hit with the slightest bit of resistance from life.

i guess the post is meant to ask if anyone feels like this, if they feel it's normal or abnormal to feel like this, i don't know.

sorry if i'm breaking any etiquette rules asking about this. i'll try to learn as i go.

 

[orvreader]

There's no Suicidal Police or something, don't be guilty of harboring a certain feeling. Even Osamu Dazai, probably the most famous suicidal person, didn't live a particularly bad life, objectively speaking: he was rich, attractive, had a talent in writing, and had people that cared about him. It's never not fine to be suicidal/have suicidal tendencies, the morally grey part lays in acting upon it; and that's for the individual to decide. At least that's what I personally think.

 

[a4001]

is it normal to feel as though you don't deserve to be suicidal?

Can't speak for others but Ive felt like this for the past four years

It's kinda sucky knowing the amount of things a decent chunk of this worlds population goes through, and comparing that pain to my own life just makes me realize how little it would probably take for me to just immediately log off.

I do think that pain is subjective, both physical and mental, and what is a scratch for one person is an amputation for another. So I guess that's something.

 

[noroominthishell]

There's no Suicidal Police or something, don't be guilty of harboring a certain feeling. Even Osamu Dazai, probably the most famous suicidal person, didn't live a particularly bad life, objectively speaking: he was rich, attractive, had a talent in writing, and had people that cared about him. It's never not fine to be suicidal/have suicidal tendencies, the morally grey part lays in acting upon it; and that's for the individual to decide. At least that's what I personally think.

thank you for your thoughts. logically, i do agree — no one knows how they feel as well as themselves, and i don't feel it should be up to other people (that "suicidal police") to define what is or isn't problematic. the person should get to decide that for themselves. maybe part of it is denial — to live with these thoughts so long but be so afraid to confront them that it's easier to delude myself into thinking i'm not suicidal and then attempt to rationalize it or justify it — and hence comes the "i'm not suicidal because i don't deserve to be/because everyone else also has it rough and wants to die as an escape/because i'm pretending it's a bigger deal than it really is."

i guess it *is* just further proof that it's depression and not environmental factors, the fact that loads of people are still suicidal while living good lives. at the same time, it feels almost necessary for that same depression to manifest itself as self-blame, "i'm the issue, everyone else can deal with this just fine, it's ridiculous to want to die over this"

thank you again for opening my mind a little regarding this :) have a good one

I do think that pain is subjective, both physical and mental, and what is a scratch for one person is an amputation for another.

that *is* true! i'd never judge anyone else for having a "lower threshold than normal" for pain, whatever normal is. i guess it's just hard to internalise it, and believe that it also applies to me. always easier to be empathetic towards others.

thank you for your thoughts, and for making this feeling seem a little less lonely :) hope you have a good day

 

[swankysoup]

It's not just the bad things that could happen that cause suffering, it's also the good things that didn't happen. Neglect, isolation, lack of support. I have come across a lot of people in agony because of these silent killers. Just something to keep in mind. In fact, not having anything drastic to show for your suffering is a discriminating experience in it's own way, because that means people won't understand or take you seriously, and might even invalidate you for it.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I feel out of place here too, I guess feeling that way just comes with the territory so to speak. I think your experience is normal, because having "good" circumstances doesn't change the stark reality of life. Existence is brutal and it hits everyone. Some people notice it sooner, others find out later, and ultimately everyone dies and even the best of circumstances turn to dust. As others have often said here, oddly enough, this place is like an oasis.

 

[noroominthishell]

It's not just the bad things that could happen that cause suffering, it's also the good things that didn't happen. Neglect, isolation, lack of support. I have come across a lot of people in agony because of these silent killers. Just something to keep in mind. In fact, not having anything drastic to show for your suffering is a discriminating experience in it's own way, because that means people won't understand or take you seriously, and might even invalidate you for it.

yeah, hahahah. that fear of not being taken seriously is very real.

i think for many years i denied wanting to die, but still felt the need to have a reason for being in pain, so i'd fantasize about having terrible illnesses, or being kidnapped and raped, or just attacked in some way, being run over, i don't know... just so the responsibility for the pain wouldn't be on me. just so, on the outside, i'd get pity for the pain.

they're terribly shameful thoughts i think, and now that i've accepted that i do want to kill myself, they feel almost selfish in wanting other people to take care of what's merely MY business. it feels like wanting a reason to suffer is also invalidating to others. why would someone ever want to feel *worse* than they already do??

it's like a kid wanting to wear glasses cus they look cool, not knowing what it's like having vision problems.

and i know it's what's already been said, this isn't pain olympics, that isn't the goal. but it's still hard to internalize.

thank you for the insight, hope you have a good one.

I feel out of place here too, I guess feeling that way just comes with the territory so to speak. I think your experience is normal, because having "good" circumstances doesn't change the stark reality of life. Existence is brutal and it hits everyone. Some people notice it sooner, others find out later, and ultimately everyone dies and even the best of circumstances turn to dust. As others have often said here, oddly enough, this place is like an oasis.

if someone like you with nearly a thousand interactions on here still feels inadequate here, then i can truly accept that maybe it's par for the course, ahahah. thank you for your participation. maybe i can just accept that there's not much comfort to be had in this situation and there's nothing to be done about that. yes, an oasis, that doesn't magically make you feel better. but it's nice to know you're not alone. thanks for commenting :)

 

[Unlucky777]

Welcome to SaSu. It's OK to feel the way you feel. People from all walks of life, those that are famous/rich, those that seem to have it made and those that are living the life, all have committed suicide in the past. Don't feel bad or you're not as deserving to be suicidal because of your circumstances. Everyone experiences pain/pleasure differently and your feelings are valid.

How long have you felt this way?

 

[orvreader]

thank you for your thoughts. logically, i do agree — no one knows how they feel as well as themselves, and i don't feel it should be up to other people (that "suicidal police") to define what is or isn't problematic. the person should get to decide that for themselves. maybe part of it is denial — to live with these thoughts so long but be so afraid to confront them that it's easier to delude myself into thinking i'm not suicidal and then attempt to rationalize it or justify it — and hence comes the "i'm not suicidal because i don't deserve to be/because everyone else also has it rough and wants to die as an escape/because i'm pretending it's a bigger deal than it really is."

i guess it *is* just further proof that it's depression and not environmental factors, the fact that loads of people are still suicidal while living good lives. at the same time, it feels almost necessary for that same depression to manifest itself as self-blame, "i'm the issue, everyone else can deal with this just fine, it's ridiculous to want to die over this"

thank you again for opening my mind a little regarding this :) have a good one

Yeah, it's massively unhealthy to invalidate your own feelings, it won't get you anywhere. It's better to come to terms with it before doing anything (whatever it may be), denying your own feelings would just further push you into depression because no matter how much you think you don't 'deserve' to have suicidal thoughts, you're still having those thoughts, right?

 

[noroominthishell]

Welcome to SaSu. It's OK to feel the way you feel. People from all walks of life, those that are famous/rich, those that seem to have it made and those that are living the life, all have committed suicide in the past. Don't feel bad or you're not as deserving to be suicidal because of your circumstances. Everyone experiences pain/pleasure differently and your feelings are valid.

How long have you felt this way?

thank you very much for the welcome :) it's nice to meet you all.

i've been struggling more and more with self-harm and suicidal ideation these past few months, had a stressful, no-good summer and a stressful, no-good first semester. but i guess i always struggled with this stuff, without really knowing i did.

i had my first and only long-term therapist between the ages of 13 and 16, and he helped me mostly with my anxiety, and with leaving a bad relationship, at the time. at the time i didn't feel like i was depressed, and although i struggled slightly with self-harm i had next to none suicidal ideation. eventually i started feeling like he wasn't helping me as much, like i already knew everything he could say to me, so i stopped going.

as silly as it sounds, i do feel a bit like a noob here, since i haven't actively struggled with suicidal ideation for very long. i'd say it's only gotten really serious since october or something.

it kind of scared me to start feeling this way, to be honest, so (and i do apologize if it's a faux-pas to talk about this in this section of the forum, if it's better for this kind of talk to move to the "recovery" section, i understand) i scheduled sessions with my uni psych, which i'm waiting on right now. she doesn't have such a good availability, and i've just been going absolutely insane waiting more than a month in between sessions, and even then it doesn't feel like they're helping me that much ahhah. trying to look into other options, cbt... i don't know.

i guess i want to exhaust my opportunities (which i'm lucky and grateful for) before determining that it really is no use. and that's part of the reason why i'm here. looking for other kinds of outs. it felt unbearable to just not be able to talk about this with anyone. it's silly. my entire family has a history of depression, my best friend also struggles with depression and suicidal ideation. in theory, this would be the most adequate setting ever for me to talk about it with someone other than strangers. but to admit this to them feels straight up impossible. i'm already disappointing them enough as is, and they're all already dealing with enough shit on their plate. i don't need nor want to become one more bother. sorry to you all lovely people, for displacing that bother onto you, ahhaha. but maybe here we're all meant to be bothered a little bit, so that we can be a bother in return.

it should feel amazing to still have some modicum of hope left, ahahah. but atp i'm just running on cinders. everything's just on autopilot, cus it feels like what i should be doing. i feel like i'm pretending to care about getting better, because i do need to say that to my loved ones, that i'm trying, that i don't mean to disappoint them, that i'm working on it... but that actual feeling of caring about it, evades me. it's like i can't access it. i guess that's a normal thing to feel in this situation. i'll feel grateful for every small bit of energy that remains regardless, even if i can't feel it.

thank you for the warmth, again. have a good one.

no matter how much you think you don't 'deserve' to have suicidal thoughts, you're still having those thoughts, right?

you're right :) thank you for your thoughts on the matter. that is true, the shame doesn't make anything better.

i really appreciate the straight-forwardness in here. if it were anywhere else, the "it's unhealthy to invalidate your feelings" would feel attached to a "so you can't do that if you want to get better", which just worsens the guilt, because i don't KNOW if i want to get better, and thinking that i might not, brings me shame. but in here, it just all feels very matter of fact.

i think i empathize with this idea of "coming to terms with it", "making my peace with it", accepting it as it is before deciding if i've got the energy to "fix it" in whatever way. there's no judgment here for not having the means to care about getting better, anymore. it's quite a relief, in that sense. thank you for replying.