in the hospital, going to kill myself after i get out

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

got impulsive, tried to hang myself, couldn't kick over the chair because of fear and i was being weak, thought of all the what ifs. i've been in the hospital for 2 weeks now. they're trying to find me somewhere cause my group home was abusive. even in the damn psych ward people attach to me and rely on me and dump their shit on me. i met a guy younger than me, he keeps telling me he wants to be with me. i NEVER do psych ward relationships and let him know he was special. he came after getting in a domestic dispute (physical) with his ex. he had me block a guy he didn't like, threatened me "jokingly", and doesn't understand how much i've been sacrificing for him. he wants to be with me every second. even when i'm overstimulated, i do it because i care and don't want him to freak out. he is too immature. i refuse to be anyone's mother. i still have real feelings for him, he thrreatened to off himself if i do, so i put measures to prevent that. but i'm just done being hurt and used and not getting what i give back.

as soon as i get out, i'm gonna buy and take SN or benadryl (tried the latter before (not enough, got put in the ICU, never SN but hopeful about it). no one suspects a thing. i am good at keeping my pain to myself and pretending. i wrote my suicide letter and directions of my last wants/needs, even picked out a pretty dress for me to be buried in.

i am so hurt and tired i'm numb. i can't cry. i can't wait to be out of the hospital and life. people fucking suck and take me for granted and hurt me. i just want peace now. all i wanted was love, i didn't get it, and my life is worthless without love.

just counting down the days.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be so cruel and I understand just wanting some peace. There doesn't seem to be any real peace in this life. I wish you freedom from suffering.