almost dead mota
Tomorrow never comes
- Aug 15, 2024
- 21
Every day is hell. I wish a had a gun so bad. I don't even have the money for one. I think about stabbing my heart but it's too painful. I also think about drowning, or falling asleep with helium. I've tried to logic my way out of suicide and depression, it's not possible. I think about my little sister, my mom, my family and at the same time I think about how I am unable to play with my sister because I feel like shit, be independent and not rely on my mom, not having any meaningful moments with anyone or even anything to relate to at least and how they blame it all on me, because for them I seem to love torturing myself, even tho I'm way smarter than anyone in my family, which is another reason why communication is so bad, they couldn't possibly understand the depth of my thoughts. I've tried everything, I've had two bands, I tried dating new people, I tried exercising so many times, I don't drink or smoke or anything, I've had more than 10 different jobs so far and I'm only 21, I married and dedicated my life for 5 years to someone to get them our of their miserable country and situation only to lose it all in the worst way possible, by abandonment. Now I have nothing, I sacrifice what little in me I had for someone and I get fucked. I don't have money, I don't have a job, I don't have friends, my family is shit and don't know any better, I may not even have my own room starting tomorrow, every day hurts knowing the person I love most left me even knowing how fucked I am, even seeing how I look after 4 days of not drinking and eating. Everyone just thinks I am a master manipulator, that I just need to solve every single thing myself, some say depression isn't real and specially not for me, they also say how I'm a waste by saying how good I used to be when I was a little kid and how I fucked up all my potential, they keep saying oh you are so so smart and so pretty you don't know how good you have it you would be so successful rn, yet look at you, get your shit together, go get a job at a warehouse, start going out and exercise. I'm tired, I am beyond tired, I don't even get invited to play videogames anymore and I don't even see much value in them since they are shit compared to meeting people in person. It's just complete isolation. And me knowing what I value the most for my happiness which is other people... it breaks me. I don't care about money, I don't care about being "someone", or any of that bullshit, I just want to be with someone who makes me happy and I want to make them happy, I don't care about being poor, hell, I don't even fucking care if I have a terminal fucking ill, as long as I have that. But I don't, everything in my life would just work if I had that and it would only take 1 person and I don't have it. It's true that it's not easy to qualify since I have a very thick filter for uninteresting people, almost everyone seems to be, so bland. I love music, playing instruments and I've always wanted to be a musician, I want to art school and I practiced a lot when I didn't feel so bad, I am very ambitious and I want to innovate in the way we interact with music, I've been on that mission for 4 years, with a plan, and actual material to experiment on. But the state of my life, my unhappiness has stripped away this project for me since almost the very start, I feel only half the way there at most. I get excited about so many things, I want to draw extremely good, I love researching and solving problems, I love being creative, I love thinking, philosophy, science. Yet everything got fucked, even videogames they fucking suck now I used to be at my pc all day when I was a kid enjoying myself. All I do nowadays is stare at the void, feel awful, think a lot, and watch youtube, and I have a theory that maybe the reason I consume so much yt is to not feel lonely, since I can see and relate to someone else, and hear them. I look at my life... my past hurts as if someone has been doing open chest surgery without anesthesia on me for all my life nonstop. My present is constantly being taken away from me and replaced by my past or future, and my future is... the same as my past. There is no job that will save me, there is no FUCKING routine, god so stupid to think that a routine is gonna solve shit, there is no effort for people I can make, nothing I can offer anymore. And I can't gain the skills I want, depression won't let me. So what is left for me? I'm not really a doomer, I'm not nihilistic, or stoic or... any philosophy that I can think of really although I haven't categorized them or researched in that aspect. I have a very neutral view of the universe and to me nothing exists alone, everything is created in contrast with itself, I know my ego is just a map of symbolisms of my experiences yet I don't see my ego as a bad thing nor as not part of reality, it is part of reality just not the whole. I see how there is no objective meaning to things yet one can derive meaning from any situation and at the same time I don't believe the point of life is to carve out your own meaning I think that's stupid, I think that is an insane disconnection with reality which is just a happening as distinct from doing a disconnect in seeing how everything is connected and the same thing. I also don't believe that we are just a pile of goo and just chemicals, that's just one way of seeing things which isn't wrong but one could argue otherwise seeing this as just a form of consciousness and viewing the universe as full of life. To me life and death are basically the same thing viewd from it's different sides. I'm not a terrible doomer even tho I can see how shit our society is and may fall into a bit of generalizations, like how I think everyone is a fucking retard and the fact that I see believing in religion is dumb. I hate seeing how people don't know any fucking better and just fall into extremist camps in every way. In politics, religious views, philosophy, anything you can think of. It's absolute insanity it makes me feel so bad being a part of this species and seeing how everything gets ruined by people being so fucking retarded when the solution is right fucking there. I hate howthe most popular art is the most unga bonga I hate rap and regueton talking about their stupid way of seeing things their videos about dumb retarded things of no actual value that get millions and millions of views. I don't subscribe to any of this. I don't have to deal with the fact that everything is so far away and you need a car, that there is no dignifying jobs, the idea that such a thing as a social center where people go share art, thoughts, and communicate doesn't exist FUCKS MY MIND... How?!! Everything works through nepotism not only jobs but human relationships. There is no such thing as starting from 0, there is no fucking american dream. I hate my wife for leaving me, she was the only thing I valued in my life and she left me for the most stupid set of fucking reasons, but that's not relevant anymore, she blocked me from everywhere and there is no way of getting her back. So what do I do ppl? I'm tired of advice I've heard all of them. The only thing that could help me is someone magical entering my life. It ain't gonna happen. Please would you share a list of the best suicide methods to consider before I do something that is going to hurt a lot?
