In need to just vent, been trying to end it for over a week now

[stunnednaddled]

For some background without delving too much into personal details, I'm going through a divorce right now and it's giving me no reason to continue living. I was suicidal during my marriage but now I feel like I have nothing to really live for. I'm afraid she's leaving me for another guy or something, but she put all the blame on me and it feels like I'm being demonized by our mutual friends cuz god knows what she's told them. She accused me of abuse and all sorts of other stuff that simply is not true. I'm at the point where I feel I'm ready to die, but I just can't get myself to go through with it. Talking to people only makes it worse, they keep giving me the same old bullshit advice to just stay positive, do this and that, etc. I've attempted suicide many times before with all sorts of methods, as well as, at this point, I'd say hundreds of ideations and setups. I've been trying to hang myself for days, I told my therapist even and after our session I felt a little better but I really don't see the point of going on. I don't want to live without her, and the way she is shedding the situation makes me feel like fucking shit. This is affecting my school, I haven't even gone this week and I just drink and stare at pictures of her and get upset whenever I see her post shit on social media. We still talk sometimes but when she's not responding and wearing make up and whatnot, I just assume she's fucking some other dude or something. At this point, I don't think the whole upsetting people in my life is holding me back, just my lifelong fear of dying. My best friend committed suicide just over a year ago the same way I'm thinking of going out now. Just getting fucked up on xanax and alcohol and hanging myself. I just feel like I can't bring myself to it, I just panic at the last second. I just think about suicide all day and all the ways I want to do it. I've considered heroin overdose, crashing my car, cutting, exit bag and hanging most of all. I can't jump, that shit would freak me out too much even though none of that matters since it would be over within 30 seconds. I think I'm mostly afraid of failing and fucking myself up permanently. I got really close over the weekend by tying a thick cord over some hooks on my door but I noticed them bending inwards and it seemed sketchy, plus it hurt like hell. Right now I'm considering using a bathroom towel zip tied at the top to keep it knotted, it's actually next to me right now as I type this. I'm drunk as fuck and I keep hoping every time I drink it'll make it easier but I feel like it makes it harder at times. Right now, however, I'm feeling pretty good about it, I just feel this overwhelming fear whenever I start doing it to stop. My SI is pretty bad, but at the same time in my head I just try and push through it. I've gotten very close, to the point of seeing stars and getting tunnel vision but I'm just at this hurdle. I feel like me wanting to fix my marriage is the main thing that is stopping me, despite knowing there's no chance in hell of making it work at this point it seems. I feel like I should be ok with it ending as it hasn't been great on my end and how things she's done has affected me, and like 3 weeks ago I was super positive and ready to just get the fuck out but now I just want her back more than anything. Knowing that won't happen snaps me back to reality and brings me back to the point I'm at right now. Anyways, sorry for the wall of text and my rambling, I'm just shit outta luck and I just simply cannot decide what to do. Not necessarily looking for advice or sympathy, just wanted to get it all off my chest, I can't really talk to anybody about this in my life because I just get criticized and bullshit false-positivity. Sorry if this is the wrong subforum to post this on, I'm just really in my head and needed to get all this out.

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey. I'm so very sorry for the shit you've been through. It's hard to be accused of crap. I'm also very sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope he found peace. Has your ex ever done this stuff before the divorce even began? Maybe it's good that you're separated if so? I'm not sure why the divorce happened or anything.


I am planning to go with partial suspension hanging myself. SN is a common method as is the exit bag and carbon monoxide. Crashing your car would be very risky. You could end up much much worse than you are now,since then you'd have physical damage on top of mental/emotional. Very bad idea.(not an insult. Just caring advice!)


I honestly cannot say I believe life is worth it. But that is up to each person to decide on their own. You have to decide that on your own. But I have to ask, have you tried any meds to increase serotonin? It can help some people. I tried Zoloft. My parents swear it helped me, but I quit in case it was so that I wouldn't decide to live. But maybe I'm your case it could help you. I don't know. But please consider it if you haven't already.


I just want you to know that I'm here for you man. I know I'm just a random guy on the internet. But if you want to message me to vent some more or just talk, feel free to. I mean that. It can be nice to have someone that you can vent to and just talk with as a distraction.

I assume you're still alive. But only time will tell...



I sincerely wish you the best in the meantime.

 

[Viola]

For some background without delving too much into personal details, I'm going through a divorce right now and it's giving me no reason to continue living. I was suicidal during my marriage but now I feel like I have nothing to really live for. I'm afraid she's leaving me for another guy or something, but she put all the blame on me and it feels like I'm being demonized by our mutual friends cuz god knows what she's told them. She accused me of abuse and all sorts of other stuff that simply is not true. I'm at the point where I feel I'm ready to die, but I just can't get myself to go through with it. Talking to people only makes it worse, they keep giving me the same old bullshit advice to just stay positive, do this and that, etc. I've attempted suicide many times before with all sorts of methods, as well as, at this point, I'd say hundreds of ideations and setups. I've been trying to hang myself for days, I told my therapist even and after our session I felt a little better but I really don't see the point of going on. I don't want to live without her, and the way she is shedding the situation makes me feel like fucking shit. This is affecting my school, I haven't even gone this week and I just drink and stare at pictures of her and get upset whenever I see her post shit on social media. We still talk sometimes but when she's not responding and wearing make up and whatnot, I just assume she's fucking some other dude or something. At this point, I don't think the whole upsetting people in my life is holding me back, just my lifelong fear of dying. My best friend committed suicide just over a year ago the same way I'm thinking of going out now. Just getting fucked up on xanax and alcohol and hanging myself. I just feel like I can't bring myself to it, I just panic at the last second. I just think about suicide all day and all the ways I want to do it. I've considered heroin overdose, crashing my car, cutting, exit bag and hanging most of all. I can't jump, that shit would freak me out too much even though none of that matters since it would be over within 30 seconds. I think I'm mostly afraid of failing and fucking myself up permanently. I got really close over the weekend by tying a thick cord over some hooks on my door but I noticed them bending inwards and it seemed sketchy, plus it hurt like hell. Right now I'm considering using a bathroom towel zip tied at the top to keep it knotted, it's actually next to me right now as I type this. I'm drunk as fuck and I keep hoping every time I drink it'll make it easier but I feel like it makes it harder at times. Right now, however, I'm feeling pretty good about it, I just feel this overwhelming fear whenever I start doing it to stop. My SI is pretty bad, but at the same time in my head I just try and push through it. I've gotten very close, to the point of seeing stars and getting tunnel vision but I'm just at this hurdle. I feel like me wanting to fix my marriage is the main thing that is stopping me, despite knowing there's no chance in hell of making it work at this point it seems. I feel like I should be ok with it ending as it hasn't been great on my end and how things she's done has affected me, and like 3 weeks ago I was super positive and ready to just get the fuck out but now I just want her back more than anything. Knowing that won't happen snaps me back to reality and brings me back to the point I'm at right now. Anyways, sorry for the wall of text and my rambling, I'm just shit outta luck and I just simply cannot decide what to do. Not necessarily looking for advice or sympathy, just wanted to get it all off my chest, I can't really talk to anybody about this in my life because I just get criticized and bullshit false-positivity. Sorry if this is the wrong subforum to post this on, I'm just really in my head and needed to get all this out.

Welcome to the forum and I'm so sorry for all the shit you're going through.
So your ex has lied about you and accused you of abuse etc? Just playing devil's advocate here but is it worth ctb over the loss of her?
Sometimes when I feel someone has treated me horribly I feel able to get angry rather than let it crush me, and anger is a good way sometimes to pull you out of the suicidal mindset.
Obviously you say there's personal details you can't go into though.
If you are set on ctb as the only way then take time to research on here.. there's all the information you could need. And you'll find friends here too. Good luck with whatever you do x

 

[stunnednaddled]

Hey. I'm so very sorry for the shit you've been through. It's hard to be accused of crap. I'm also very sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope he found peace. Has your ex ever done this stuff before the divorce even began? Maybe it's good that you're separated if so? I'm not sure why the divorce happened or anything.


I am planning to go with partial suspension hanging myself. SN is a common method as is the exit bag and carbon monoxide. Crashing your car would be very risky. You could end up much much worse than you are now,since then you'd have physical damage on top of mental/emotional. Very bad idea.(not an insult. Just caring advice!)


I honestly cannot say I believe life is worth it. But that is up to each person to decide on their own. You have to decide that on your own. But I have to ask, have you tried any meds to increase serotonin? It can help some people. I tried Zoloft. My parents swear it helped me, but I quit in case it was so that I wouldn't decide to live. But maybe I'm your case it could help you. I don't know. But please consider it if you haven't already.


I just want you to know that I'm here for you man. I know I'm just a random guy on the internet. But if you want to message me to vent some more or just talk, feel free to. I mean that. It can be nice to have someone that you can vent to and just talk with as a distraction.

I assume you're still alive. But only time will tell...



I sincerely wish you the best in the meantime.

She's never done this before but any time I try to talk to her about my feelings it turns into a fight and she accuses me of trying to make her a fixer and to not focus on her own problems. There's so much shit behind this, but I just think we're both in a bad place. She just refuses to get professional help and I'm pretty sure when she's not at our apartment (we still have a lease and 11 months of separation before divorce.) Tbh in the end if she refuses to get help or see somebody with me maybe it isn't worth it, but it's hard as fuck to think like that now when I just can't not think about it 24/7. I've been on multiple antidepressants before as well as all sorts of other meds. I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to get some, but at the same time I just feel like I'd rather just end it. I have a towel attached to my door handle and I tested the weight and pressure and it seems very inviting, so who knows, that may be my night tonight

Welcome to the forum and I'm so sorry for all the shit you're going through.
So your ex has lied about you and accused you of abuse etc? Just playing devil's advocate here but is it worth ctb over the loss of her?
Sometimes when I feel someone has treated me horribly I feel able to get angry rather than let it crush me, and anger is a good way sometimes to pull you out of the suicidal mindset.
Obviously you say there's personal details you can't go into though.
If you are set on ctb as the only way then take time to research on here.. there's all the information you could need. And you'll find friends here too. Good luck with whatever you do x

Yeah I've done a lot of lurking on here and I feel much more confident. As I said above I already have a bathroom towel hung up on a doorknob in my closet and I'm just trying to decide what to do right now. I feel like I should be ok with us splitting, and I was at one point but at the same time everybody just thinks I'm some abusive asshole now. I'd rather OD but I think if I can just get myself to endure it for a minute then that'd be just fine.

 

[theguineapigking]

She's never done this before but any time I try to talk to her about my feelings it turns into a fight and she accuses me of trying to make her a fixer and to not focus on her own problems. There's so much shit behind this, but I just think we're both in a bad place. She just refuses to get professional help and I'm pretty sure when she's not at our apartment (we still have a lease and 11 months of separation before divorce.) Tbh in the end if she refuses to get help or see somebody with me maybe it isn't worth it, but it's hard as fuck to think like that now when I just can't not think about it 24/7. I've been on multiple antidepressants before as well as all sorts of other meds. I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to get some, but at the same time I just feel like I'd rather just end it. I have a towel attached to my door handle and I tested the weight and pressure and it seems very inviting, so who knows, that may be my night tonight


Yeah I've done a lot of lurking on here and I feel much more confident. As I said above I already have a bathroom towel hung up on a doorknob in my closet and I'm just trying to decide what to do right now. I feel like I should be ok with us splitting, and I was at one point but at the same time everybody just thinks I'm some abusive asshole now. I'd rather OD but I think if I can just get myself to endure it for a minute then that'd be just fine.

Hey dude. That is so upsetting. I wish she was reasonable and would talk. Is she also suicidal or just having issues from the divorce? Obviously she is really unreasonable right now. I sure hope something changes between you two.

Do you think she'd be devastated if you end your life? Is there anything else you think you can try to reason with her?



I surely understand how inviting it can be to know that the gateway lies only across the room. I have my rope and also just rewrote my suicide note for my family tonight. I'm so done and am so close to ending it. But it seems you still have some desire to live. I just wish it wasn't so overwhelming for you. Just please don't kill yourself on a whim, at least not yet. Make sure you decide in a clear mind state, perhaps after trying some more to get though to your ex?


Hopefully things work out in your favor. Feel free to chat back if you'd like. I'm here for you.

 

[stunnednaddled]

Hey dude. That is so upsetting. I wish she was reasonable and would talk. Is she also suicidal or just having issues from the divorce? Obviously she is really unreasonable right now. I sure hope something changes between you two.

Do you think she'd be devastated if you end your life? Is there anything else you think you can try to reason with her?



I surely understand how inviting it can be to know that the gateway lies only across the room. I have my rope and also just rewrote my suicide note for my family tonight. I'm so done and am so close to ending it. But it seems you still have some desire to live. I just wish it wasn't so overwhelming for you. Just please don't kill yourself on a whim, at least not yet. Make sure you decide in a clear mind state, perhaps after trying some more to get though to your ex?


Hopefully things work out in your favor. Feel free to chat back if you'd like. I'm here for you.

Sorry, been away for a while trying to figure shit out. Idk how she'd react if I killed myself. She's said in the past when I was suicidal during our marriage that she would just follow suit and kill herself too but Idk at this point. She doesn't want to reason or try and reconcile whatsoever, and I don't see it happening any time soon. The only problem is this quarantine shit, I don't want her to have to come back to take care of our cat right after I offed myself in our apartment. The only thing keeping me from suicide is alcohol but now I have no way of getting any as everything in my county is closed for 2 weeks and I'm broke. I just see no point of going on, I've been wanting to kill myself even while we were married, but this just makes it worse. I'm afraid she's just leaving me for another guy since this ended just like another relationship I had in the past. I still have a towel tied up into a noose on my door, just waiting to use it but I'm just worried about how it'll affect people, and I still have SI, I think due to the pain. My benzo prescription also just ran out so right now I'm stuck sober with my thoughts for at least 2 weeks and that's what gets me. I just have to see all these dudes on social media hitting on her, and seeing her be totally fine with what's going on and that's what hurts the most. I know she isn't going to find some other dude but the fact that she could just move on and not even consider professional help or anything is what really gets me. I'm pretty certain I'm going to kill myself within the next few months if nothing starts to change, just need some more benzos and alcohol for the pain, cuz hanging hurts quite a bit and I feel like that would get me through it. It's the same way my best friend killed himself over a year ago, he was on benzos and alcohol so I figure that's the way to go. I'm at the point where I have a delayed email planned out and I am considering killing myself before school starts up again because that stress on top of everything else is fucking me up. I just want this shit to be over. I made her a book for her birthday that explains my feelings that I'd been working on since before this shit started and I really fucking hope reading that might give me some ounce of hope but at this point, we're in different states and I'm stuck here alone just in my head and it's really getting to me.