Help In a way I feel I’m dead already

[-autisticSunflower]

I really need some support. This is my first post here and I'm here because people in my life don't understand and don't really care or have any time. I guess they care superficially but in general I am the bottom of the food chain everywhere I go. My work is the only thing that gives me any worth and even then I just don't fit in with my coworkers. My input is generally just shrugged off. There is a clique which include management and favouritism is obvious. I am autistic as well and I'm actually good at my job because it is my hyper focus. I just wish someone cared about me and loved me for me, not keeping me at arms length all the time. I hate being autistic. I can't wait until I die because I'm completely stuck and unable to bring myself to end my life. I wanted to hang, put the cord round my neck, partially hung myself and only got throbbing in my head and feeling sick. I wish I was never born. Any kind words would be nice. No one else has time for me.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're struggling I'm autistic too, it makes socialising a challenge

 

[lifeORdeath]

I can't fathom how you feel. I have the opposite, people that love me and want me close and I push them away because I am sick in the head and afraid to be to close and hurt them more when I do it.

 

[rejected]

I truly feel for you. I feel the same way, I've been practicing my partial trying to get the placement right and it's nerve wracking. So tired of failing ready to be free. I'm sorry you're experiencing such crap. I hope peace finds you or you can find your own.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Hi. Sorry you are going through so much suffering and struggling so hard, many of us completely understand how you feel and your bit alone. This is a good community with a lot of people that show a lot of support that you will find you can relate to also.

 

[-autisticSunflower]

I truly feel for you. I feel the same way, I've been practicing my partial trying to get the placement right and it's nerve wracking. So tired of failing ready to be free. I'm sorry you're experiencing such crap. I hope peace finds you or you can find your own.

It is scary. I am annoyed at myself because I think self-compassion is getting in my way of ending my life. I am a compassionate person and work on healthcare. But I have wanted to die since childhood and I'm 27 now and I'm just disposable to everyone. I really want to die though.

 

[makethepainstop]

I wish I knew what to say to help. As I'm ignorant about autism, I do wish I knew more. People I have talked with that are autistic seem ok, even friendly. So I wouldn't have known they were autistic, if they didn't tell me. (I hope I'm not just plain stupid!) Thanks

 

[rejected]

Yes I'm 29 and in the same boat. I will bend over backwards for people. Compromise my boundaries for others comfort and I am beyond disposable to others it feels. I also have wished for death ever since I was younger. Neglect and feeling like a burden has always been part of my life since I can remember. So I over extend and people please and run myslef into the ground. Very ready to go! N healthcare seems it can be so thankless and exhausting!

 

[FuneralCry]

In this life many people can be very self centred and disappointing. I believe that it's best not to have high expectations of other people as often they will just make things worse. This is just the reality of this existence, of course life can certainly be very cruel. I also wish that I never existed at all, more than anything. That would have been ideal for me. I just see life as being endless problems and misery and I get that it's so dreadful when all that you want is to leave but yet you feel trapped here. Suicide really is so unnecessarily difficult and I hate how it can be so hard to leave this life behind.
I wish you the best.

 

[-autisticSunflower]

Sorry you're struggling I'm autistic too, it makes socialising a challenge

Thank you for commenting. It's nice to speak with people who get it. I already feel not an outsider on this forum thanks to the kindness I'm already receiving. Just wish I could feel this with the people around me.

In this life many people can be very self centred and disappointing. I believe that it's best not to have high expectations of other people as often they will just make things worse. This is just the reality of this existence, of course life can certainly be very cruel. I also wish that I never existed at all, more than anything. That would have been ideal for me. I just see life as being endless problems and misery and I get that it's so dreadful when all that you want is to leave but yet you feel trapped here. Suicide really is so unnecessarily difficult and I hate how it can be so hard to leave this life behind.
I wish you the best.

Thank you so much for your comment. Yeah I agree. I just feel like I have been traumatised by so many people who I've trusted and they've just disposed of me when it suited them. I would love to just go to sleep and never wake up. I sometimes straight up resent my mum for having me just cause she wanted a baby almost like a human pet. Then I feel bad for feeling that way

I wish I knew what to say to help. As I'm ignorant about autism, I do wish I knew more. People I have talked with that are autistic seem ok, even friendly. So I wouldn't have known they were autistic, if they didn't tell me. (I hope I'm not just plain stupid!) Thanks

Thank you for caring enough to want to know more though, that's what matters :) yeah I've been told I'm friendly and funny but I just don't have that quality that means I can adjust to social groups/cliques etc.

In this life many people can be very self centred and disappointing. I believe that it's best not to have high expectations of other people as often they will just make things worse. This is just the reality of this existence, of course life can certainly be very cruel. I also wish that I never existed at all, more than anything. That would have been ideal for me. I just see life as being endless problems and misery and I get that it's so dreadful when all that you want is to leave but yet you feel trapped here. Suicide really is so unnecessarily difficult and I hate how it can be so hard to leave this life behind.
I wish you the best.

I'm also sorry you feel so trapped like I do. It's the worst.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Sorry to hear of your struggles. I'm autistic too (we are probably disproportionately represented here, unsurprisingly) and it's at the root of my suicidal feelings.