Venting Impulsiveness due ctbing soon?

[Moonicide]

Anyone else get so careless or impulsive knowing they will be ctbing soon? My check just came in and I want to spend it all on sorts of things since I will be ending it this month. I guess it's my last hurrah in a sense. What are your plans before ctbing? Have anything in mind? Or is there something you'd like to experience before doing so?

 

[MissNietzsche]

Finals are coming up, but I might fail them because I haven't studied at all...and I'm not even sure if I'm going to ctb or not

 

[notjustyetagain]

interesting -- i'm almost going through the opposite. conserving all my money to give to my family, selling stuff, planning notes, tying up loose ends. i wonder if being more impulsive would counteract some of the SI i'm going through. i hadn't thought of a "bucket list" until just now. there's nothing i really want to do though. aren't i exciting?! #LetThePartyBegin

 

[Moonicide]

interesting -- i'm almost going through the opposite. conserving all my money to give to my family, selling stuff, planning notes, tying up loose ends. i wonder if being more impulsive would counteract some of the SI i'm going through. i hadn't thought of a "bucket list" until just now. there's nothing i really want to do though. aren't i exciting?! #LetThePartyBegin

That's more than understandable. I think that's very thoughtful and mindful of you to do, and your family will appreciate that very much in the long run... My family was abusive to me so I'm not leaving anything behind for them. It's easier to be impulsive and careless in that way. I'm leaving my pet and technology devices to my mother, that's about it as that's all I have to my name.

 

[lovemelovemenot]

Yess I can relate 100%. I picked my date to ctb recently and since then I just find it hard to care about...anything really. I've been calling into work, just didn't show up a day or two, buying things impulsively and eating whatever tf I want. It feels good honestly. I'm still putting away money to give to my family but besides that I just want to induldge a little before I go.

 

[Moonicide]

Yess I can relate 100%. I picked my date to ctb recently and since then I just find it hard to care about...anything really. I've been calling into work, just didn't show up a day or two, buying things impusively and eating whatever tf I want. It feels good honestly. I'm still putting away money to give to my family but besides that I just want to induldge a little before I go.

Absolutely. It feels good treating yourself to the things you'd restrict or refrain from doing as you were trying to be sensible and responsible until you decided life wasn't for you anymore. It's liberating in a sense... I hope you're enjoying your final moments to the fullest.

 

[GerMann]

Moonicide please be carefull, don't go in a bipolar high phase. My episode costs me a lot of money. Now I'm sad to lost it, ctb is not so easy.

 

[Moonicide]

Moonicide please be carefull, don't go in a bipolar high phase. My episode costs me a lot of money. Now I'm sad to lost it, ctb is not so easy.

Thank you. I appreciate the worry and concern as I am Bipolar 2... I'm very set on not being alive by Christmas though. I don't think my spirit can handle another holiday. Surviving Thanksgiving was hard enough as it is. The only thing that's keeping me here is preparing for my departure and waiting for my Meto.

 

[sleepy dog]

Yess I can relate 100%. I picked my date to ctb recently and since then I just find it hard to care about...anything really. I've been calling into work, just didn't show up a day or two, buying things impulsively and eating whatever tf I want. It feels good honestly. I'm still putting away money to give to my family but besides that I just want to induldge a little before I go.

Will you need that job if your attempt fails?

 

[jgm63]

That's more than understandable. I think that's very thoughtful and mindful of you to do, and your family will appreciate that very much in the long run... My family was abusive to me so I'm not leaving anything behind for them. It's easier to be impulsive and careless in that way. I'm leaving my pet and technology devices to my mother, that's about it as that's all I have to my name.

Do you think your mother will look after your pet properly ?

 

[Moonicide]

Do you think your mother will look after your pet properly ?

Yes. I've been away before and she's taken care of him. The thing is he's very attached to me, I'm always with him unless I have to go somewhere. Because of that he's shy and he doesn't greet my mom. He hides from her, so she just leaves the food there for him and he comes out when she's gone.

 

[Elias]

I definitely get more impulsive and reckless, not thinking seriously about long term consequences. I've been indulging in all sorts of drinking/smoking, spent my money to travel or buy people gifts, stopped caring about administrative shit. I did not do any effort to contact my workplace, so I received a mail confirming I'll lost the job by the end of the month. Yay.

 

[RedPanda]

I can relate. I literally give zero fucks about how i'm spending my money nowadays and i have found myself to drive more recklessly as well, i don't care too much anymore. I'm trying to travel as much as possible before i CTB next year december.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

Anyone else get so careless or impulsive knowing they will be ctbing soon?

For me, it's important to do just the opposite in case something unexpected happens and I am unable to complete CTB.

I understand why it's tempting, but I know for myself that if I behave carelessly or impulsively and then end up being alive and having to deal with the consequences of that, it could make my life all the more worse.

 

[lovemelovemenot]

Will you need that job if your attempt fails?

Not really. It's just some shitty minimum wage job that I could find anywhere. But I know how many times I can get away with not showing up and calling in so I'm not going to go overboard with it.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Can completely relate, over the last year I've got into thousands of pounds of debt just purely because I know I will end it all soon. More recently I've stopped going to work, stopped really doing much self care. The time is 100% getting nearer.

 

[imstillhungry]

Anyone else get so careless or impulsive knowing they will be ctbing soon? My check just came in and I want to spend it all on sorts of things since I will be ending it this month. I guess it's my last hurrah in a sense. What are your plans before ctbing? Have anything in mind? Or is there something you'd like to experience before doing so?

I don't have any plans before ctb as such (tbh I'm too depressed to even think about spoiling myself), but I literally give zero fucks about anyone or anything these days. It's kinda liberating to not have to worry about anything, knowing it will all be over soon and none of this will matter.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

I relate.

Even since I came to the realization that I'll be catching the bus one day I've become even more reckless than a I already was. I've been prone to drinking too much and being alone with people I really shouldn't trust that much, especially while intoxicated, since about 15. Going on 5 years later I've ditched a lot of the rules I had for myself- I'd sworn off any drugs but weed and booze, but now I take whatever I can get. I'm not as careful about taking my medication as I should be. I let my weight fall below the minimum I'd set for myself. I don't have a job, but whenever I run into any money I blow it all on stupid stuff.

I just wanna do as much living as I can before I stop and I'm not particularly inclined to be careful with a body that I'm going to discard, nor plan for a future that doesn't exist.

 

[Chronicillness]

I'll be using black tar heroin for the weeks/months leading up to CTB

 

[hahabye]

I can relate as well! I've spent almost all of my money that I've been saving up for years for my future studies, etc. I bought a holiday that I couldn't ever afford and nowadays I just buy whatever I want (don't have any relatives who could make use of the money after I'm dead). At one moment I got scared about that, since I found someone I liked and for a second I didn't feel like ctbing anymore. But that was just for a moment and here I am, back here. (: money soon won't mean anything.

 

[sullengirl]

Withdrew from classes, became even more mediocre at my job, and acquired a bit of debt buying whatever I want. Now I'm kinda doing whatever I want, smoking and drinking all the time.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Anyone else get so careless or impulsive knowing they will be ctbing soon? My check just came in and I want to spend it all on sorts of things since I will be ending it this month. I guess it's my last hurrah in a sense. What are your plans before ctbing? Have anything in mind? Or is there something you'd like to experience before doing so?

Since I'm physically sick I can't do much. I would have love to have taken a trip to Italy and just live there for a few months. I miss going. I have family there and it's so beautiful. Especially around Christmas. No one does Christmas like Italy. But since that is not possible I plan on buying every kind of junk food that I love and just going to town. Sure I'll be about ten pounds heavier when they wheel me out on the gurney but who the hell cares right? I'm also going to call every person who has ever pissed me off and tell them what I think if them. I actually wouldn't mind killing a few of them because some doctors have destroyed my life with operations and I love to torture them in an abandoned warehouse until they're begging me to kill them. But then I'd make them just like me. Yeah I know that sounds morbid and cruel but that is what people have done to me. They have made me angry and hateful.

I'll be using black tar heroin for the weeks/months leading up to CTB

Now that I think of it that is something I would love to do! When I was in hospitals to try to get my physical pain condition under control I couldn't wait until the nurse came in every four hours and shot me up with stuff. It's truly the best feeling in the world and I can see why people who are depressed get so hooked on it. I swear if this was the 60s I'd probably be the biggest heroin addict on the planet. I have pain pills that I can snort and probably inject but I can't do that being I live in a very small apartment and am always being watched....well except for at night. Normally I'd say don't do this but since you are going to take your life I say have a ball before you go.

I can relate. I literally give zero fucks about how i'm spending my money nowadays and i have found myself to drive more recklessly as well, i don't care too much anymore. I'm trying to travel as much as possible before i CTB next year december.

Please don't drive wrecklessly. You don't want to out someone else's life in jeopardy. That would be very selfish.

 

[ab112]

Moonicide please be carefull, don't go in a bipolar high phase. My episode costs me a lot of money. Now I'm sad to lost it, ctb is not so easy.

Oh shit - this is exactly what happened to me. My CTB attempt failed and now my credit cards are nearly maxed out from hotels mostly - and that adds up so fast. The spending was insane. I had no plans to ever pay rent or another bill again....and now I'm still fucking alive.

I want to kill myself again asap because I was supposed to be dead now.

The weird thing is I'm less suicidal now. WHY? Nothing has changed. It's worse, if anything...after all this spending!!? I have no way to pay any of this off. Plus, surviving what they did to me after, I am traumatized on top of everything else in my life (laundry list of crap for 10+ years).

Germann do you have any advice on how to recover financially (not just emotionally) from a failed attempt after such insane spending?

 

[Moonicide]

Oh shit - this is exactly what happened to me. My CTB attempt failed and now my credit cards are nearly maxed out from hotels mostly - and that adds up so fast. The spending was insane. I had no plans to ever pay rent or another bill again....and now I'm still fucking alive.

I want to kill myself again asap because I was supposed to be dead now.

The weird thing is I'm less suicidal now. WHY? Nothing has changed. It's worse, if anything...after all this spending!!? I have no way to pay any of this off. Plus, surviving what they did to me after, I am traumatized on top of everything else in my life (laundry list of crap for 10+ years).

Germann do you have any advice on how to recover financially (not just emotionally) from a failed attempt after such insane spending?

I'm so sorry, love... May I ask what method did you attempt?
And that is the worst. My want to ctb fluctuates often, although this is the best decision for me in the end.

 

[ab112]

I used 12g of GHB + about 120 mg of klonopin and 3/4 L of vodka.... after 20 mg zofran.

There's more in there & I might have the numbers slightly off. I am not used to this site yet, so if there's a way you can see my post history, you can see my whole toxic slurry.... that I woke from 2 hours later....and fell back asleep for 6 more hours. Then that was the problem. I was still fucked up but people found me and I was then locked up. I recovered on my own, not through their "help" which was more similar to torture. My older posts are about this too.

 

[throwaway123]

Finals are coming up, but I might fail them because I haven't studied at all...and I'm not even sure if I'm going to ctb or not

cool

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

Finals are coming up, but I might fail them because I haven't studied at all...and I'm not even sure if I'm going to ctb or not

I've given up on all my finals and classes too. No point in going or stressing over it when I'm gonna CTB soon.