Impossible to justify existence with chronic pain? (rant)

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Anyone feel as though it's impossible to be happy, and therefore impossible to justify continuing to exist, with chronic pain?

It seems that no matter how much time passes, I never adjust to it. It brings continuous anxiety, frustration and sadness, which follow me like a bad smell daily.

Makes me feel like there's no way I could possibly be happy no matter how hard I try. Hopeless. Fruitless. Pointless...

It's been many years but my mind still wanders back to a time where I wasn't constantly in pain (prior to age 16), yearning with every fibre of my being to return to it, like I'd trade anything in the world for it. The way my mind would just go wherever I wanted to put it- I was top of my class, as I could just devour information with nothing to distract me or blunten my thinking.
The fact that I never, ever thought about death, as opposed to the way I constantly do now... it was just a totally different existence, full of joy, hope, dreams, wonderment.
I mean life wasn't perfect, but my baseline was one of relative ease and enjoyment- sadness and strife were the exception rather than the norm. It certainly blew this misery pit of anxiety and despair out of the water!
I know I can't go back to that age and stop what happened from happening, but chronic pain just limits my life possibilities down to barely anything. I feel like I can't make any genuine choices on where I want to be and what I want to do... instead everything is dictated to me... :(
In this life you gotta work hard to achieve your dreams, and even then things don't always work out. What then does a person do when their dreams lie permanently out of reach!?

This despair and rumination happens so continuously and intrusively that I can hardly function.
And since the pain started with being attacked for no reason, it makes me wonder what the point of life is. If someone can just ruin all your efforts forever by destroying your piece of mind, what on Earth is the point of any of it?
We're conditioned to study or w/e- invest our time and effort into some pursuit, so that we may be appropriately compensated given time, in order to improve our lives and make it all worthwhile. Then some asshat comes along and throws every effort under the bus, permanently f***ing everything up in a single moment... what good are my efforts if every day is spent in perpetual pain?

What's the point in life without joy or freedom? Sure, trying to help others is awesome and worthwhile, but at the end of the day one should be capable of enjoying one's own life, to counterbalance service to others. Nobody should have to live entirely in service to others, there must be balance.
This balance is impossible when every moment is lived in an unsolvable misery...

Those living with pain: how do you go about enduring the loss of your dreams, and how do you justify existing?
I've tried selling myself some ideals but they don't seem real, like my heart feels nothing for them. Not unlike telling someone you love them but not really meaning it. Is there a way to soften this and make it genuine, and if so, how?

 

[Circles]

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain, I can almost feel it through the screen. For me it was so bad with my backpain I was bedridden on and off for the past 3 years. Now things have settled to some degree and my pain have lessened, but with how much pain I experienced the mental scars never leaves me. I don't have any advice cause most of mine is shallow anyway and I wouldn't want to give you false hope either, but I wish things could become more tolerable for you however it can and if not then I and others here understands. Take care if you can.

 

[angiegirl30]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Chronic pain just sucks. I was hit head on by a drunk driver a few years ago. Basically every bone in both my legs was broken. I had some neurological damage and had to learn how to walk again. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. But now I can walk without a problem but I have pain in my legs everyday. So I had to give up my nursing career that I dearly loved. For me, I had to find enjoyment in other things. I learned to enjoy the smaller things in life. Like today the pain is horrible. So I'm taking it easy. It's okay to do that. I'm reading a book that my son gave me. I'm listening to the birds outside my window. I'm eating whatever foods sound good to me today. I used to beat myself up over not being able to do the things that I was able to do before the accident. But it didn't get me anywhere. Just misery. I was tired of being miserable so I changed what I could. I found new ways to be able to exist. I still have a lot of days where I wish things were different. Where I didn't have any pain. Days where I hate myself, life and the world. But the point is, is that I'm trying. And that's all you can do. I found new "dream". Even though I can't work as a nurse in the ICU anymore, I maintain my education and certifications. This just gives me that mental edge and satisfaction that I need. I've also found ways to do patient education which has been kind of cool. So try to find ways to enjoy your "old" interests in a new way. It will take some time but I think it's worth it. Please don't give up. Send me a message if you need to talk.