spacefreightergirl
born to die, or whatever
- May 27, 2026
- 24
When I was 15 I used to daydream about how I would die – on my 20th birthday I'd overdose on opioids in a forest. My life went down in very weird ways and by the time I was supposed to do that, 7 months ago, I was not ready to follow my plan, and I also didn't really want to anyway. I was somewhat in a place that I actually liked for a brief period of time, and the vivid scenario of dying next to a tree while laying on the grass had left my mind time ago.
I had never actually been in a forest before until this year, mostly because I hate hiking or driving, but now I live in a place where I can walk into one more easily. A few months ago I went to a forest and after a long walk I sat next to a tree. It was completely empty and I had in front of me a small lake that gleamed under the sun with two duck families swimming around, I don't know how much a duck can feel but they looked gleeful, and behind it there was an endless grass field of a beautiful bright green color I'd rarely seen before. I saw an airplane fly over me and I smiled. I had never felt more peaceful in life, and my next thought was that I wished I could die right there at that moment.
It's stupid, but I want to die happy – not satisfied or proud, but unworried. Not necessarily at peace with myself but at peace with what's about to happen to my body. My biggest fear is dying in pain, living my last few seconds or minutes with my eyes bulging in panic or with pain that feels eternal draining out of me slowly. It's honestly the main reason why I haven't CTB yet, maybe I'm too hedonistic to ever do it.
If a higher power could let me choose how it ends, I would die while hearing the birds chirping, I'd lay down and smell the grass and the bodies of water around me. The sun would be bright but there would be a small breeze and enough clouds passing by to stare at if I want to. I'd hear a bumblebee buzzing somewhere. My feet would be dirty from walking barefoot, and I'd have a small beetle tiptoeing somewhere on me, and I'd smile thinking of the bugs that will eat my flesh. I'd be happier than I had ever been before, and with barely any awareness of what I have done to myself, I would finally lose my consciousness.
I had never actually been in a forest before until this year, mostly because I hate hiking or driving, but now I live in a place where I can walk into one more easily. A few months ago I went to a forest and after a long walk I sat next to a tree. It was completely empty and I had in front of me a small lake that gleamed under the sun with two duck families swimming around, I don't know how much a duck can feel but they looked gleeful, and behind it there was an endless grass field of a beautiful bright green color I'd rarely seen before. I saw an airplane fly over me and I smiled. I had never felt more peaceful in life, and my next thought was that I wished I could die right there at that moment.
It's stupid, but I want to die happy – not satisfied or proud, but unworried. Not necessarily at peace with myself but at peace with what's about to happen to my body. My biggest fear is dying in pain, living my last few seconds or minutes with my eyes bulging in panic or with pain that feels eternal draining out of me slowly. It's honestly the main reason why I haven't CTB yet, maybe I'm too hedonistic to ever do it.
If a higher power could let me choose how it ends, I would die while hearing the birds chirping, I'd lay down and smell the grass and the bodies of water around me. The sun would be bright but there would be a small breeze and enough clouds passing by to stare at if I want to. I'd hear a bumblebee buzzing somewhere. My feet would be dirty from walking barefoot, and I'd have a small beetle tiptoeing somewhere on me, and I'd smile thinking of the bugs that will eat my flesh. I'd be happier than I had ever been before, and with barely any awareness of what I have done to myself, I would finally lose my consciousness.
