T
Telfran
New Member
- Mar 27, 2020
- 1
During the summer, I was the closest to happiness that I've ever been. I didn't have a job and I was waiting for college to start, so I got to spend my days in contentment, reading, playing video games, walking my dog, and every Friday I got to play DnD with my friends. I was still lonely (lonely for love, not lonely for friends), but it was manageable; I wasn't being confronted with it at least once a day. But that came to an end, over the past 3 months my life has returned to being the hell that it was throughout high school; except this time I don't have friends and teachers that care about me.
Four out of five of my professors assign homework relentlessly, and they don't even bother holding classes, we just read parts of the textbook and answer questions. During the two days a week that I'm on campus I see couples holding hands, I'm not the type of person that gets angry at other people for having what I don't, but it still hurts. I only get to hang out with my friends from high school every six weeks; because two of them are going to a college out of state. I haven't made any new friends. My hairline has started receding. I hate my major (Computer Science and Engineering), but all the other majors seem just as shitty, and I think any job that I could possibly get would make me just as miserable as I am now.
I've thought about dropping out and trying to get disability from the government, but by doing that I would give up any chance of finding someone to love me. I would just live out my days doing the things that I did last summer; all the while hearing that quiet screaming from the back of my mind; shouting "you're alone...you're alone...you're alone."
I doubt that I will CTB anytime soon, I'm too pathetic to even try.
I still have some semblance of hope: insidious, cruel, maddening hope.
Four out of five of my professors assign homework relentlessly, and they don't even bother holding classes, we just read parts of the textbook and answer questions. During the two days a week that I'm on campus I see couples holding hands, I'm not the type of person that gets angry at other people for having what I don't, but it still hurts. I only get to hang out with my friends from high school every six weeks; because two of them are going to a college out of state. I haven't made any new friends. My hairline has started receding. I hate my major (Computer Science and Engineering), but all the other majors seem just as shitty, and I think any job that I could possibly get would make me just as miserable as I am now.
I've thought about dropping out and trying to get disability from the government, but by doing that I would give up any chance of finding someone to love me. I would just live out my days doing the things that I did last summer; all the while hearing that quiet screaming from the back of my mind; shouting "you're alone...you're alone...you're alone."
I doubt that I will CTB anytime soon, I'm too pathetic to even try.
I still have some semblance of hope: insidious, cruel, maddening hope.