Venting I’m very conflicted, I can’t believe it’s come to this

[starscourge_19]

Had a depressing last two years of high school (3 country moves, 3 school changes,3 exam board changes, thank you so much pandemic) and slightly missed my dream unis offer. Have to go to a considerably average uni now despite knowing in my mind that I am deserving of a better uni experience because I've always been a high achiever throughout school. I sacrificed so many social opportunities for the sake of better grades, now this happens. It kills me inside that my last two years of youth were wasted and I can't live my next three years of youth the way I had it planned. Sorry if this doesn't sound like a valid reason or if this isn't the right sub forum I just feel so bad inside it's like my personality has been destroyed

Now guys, I have a loving family who despite being a strict ethnic household especially regarding grades, understands my situation and isn't angry at all. Two younger siblings who I'm very close with as well. But deep down I want it all to end, so many years of my youth wasted while I watch my former classmates and friends have experiences I missed out on with even more to come. To think just a few years ago I made jokes about mental health.

What ways do you recommend me trying that would be a quick and precise way of ending it? For the first time im considering it

 

[notlongnow]

You sound like an achiever to me buddy who's tripped over the curb on your youthful stroll. Dust yourself off and utilize your winning attributes into your next path. Yeah it sucks right now but many a opportunities still await you! Definitely not a towel in the ring thrower

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that all anyone can do regarding methods is look at the information in the resources section and decide what is best for themselves. If I knew of a quick, easy way to ctb I would already be gone, it really is so difficult to leave this world. What is the best method depends on what is able to be accessed.
I'm sorry that you are struggling. I know that it's hard to carry on existing when all that you want is to leave. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sounds like you've gone through a really tough time recently and I'm sorry. I can appreciate how devastating this must feel.

This likely isn't what you want to hear and I don't mean to invalidate what you are feeling. I was utterly obsessed with getting onto a particular course at a particular university and I did manage to do it... but it turned out to be a pretty demeaning experience- not what I was expecting at all and I came out doubting myself (as did a lot of my classmates). It's not to say this would definitely happen to you- your preferred uni might well be excellent BUT the uni you are going to might turn out to be awesome too. You don't know who you'll meet for a start- friendships at uni can be pretty special.

Also, have you looked into the possibility of transferring if you make the grades in the second year? I know it's not ideal and I expect the idea of yet more transfers is sickening but it might be a possibility if you want this that much.

It's bound to feel disappointing when you had your heart set on the other place and you know you should have achieved it- if circumstances had been different. Honestly though, it might be worth trying to stick it out a bit longer if you can- just to see if things are better than you anticipated- especially if you have the support of your family.

Anyway, it's totally your decision. I feel we all have the right of autonomy over our lives and deaths. That's just my perspective from my own experience- I hope it didn't come across as terribly patronising. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

 

[starscourge_19]

Sounds like you've gone through a really tough time recently and I'm sorry. I can appreciate how devastating this must feel.

This likely isn't what you want to hear and I don't mean to invalidate what you are feeling. I was utterly obsessed with getting onto a particular course at a particular university and I did manage to do it... but it turned out to be a pretty demeaning experience- not what I was expecting at all and I came out doubting myself (as did a lot of my classmates). It's not to say this would definitely happen to you- your preferred uni might well be excellent BUT the uni you are going to might turn out to be awesome too. You don't know who you'll meet for a start- friendships at uni can be pretty special.

Also, have you looked into the possibility of transferring if you make the grades in the second year? I know it's not ideal and I expect the idea of yet more transfers is sickening but it might be a possibility if you want this that much.

It's bound to feel disappointing when you had your heart set on the other place and you know you should have achieved it- if circumstances had been different. Honestly though, it might be worth trying to stick it out a bit longer if you can- just to see if things are better than you anticipated- especially if you have the support of your family.

Anyway, it's totally your decision. I feel we all have the right of autonomy over our lives and deaths. That's just my perspective from my own experience- I hope it didn't come across as terribly patronising. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

I appreciate this response a lot thank you.

Uni transfer isn't ideal and yes moving yet again is a horrifying thought. Transfers aren't really a thing where I'm going at either. I might stick it out a bit longer then I'll see I guess. Right now I feel like I'm stuck I can't do anything to get out of this position. Thank you again

 

[takemenowpls]

Having heard your story I think I can say you are already a success. Yes you may have missed out on your youth but you have so much more time to enjoy life. Always keep in mind mental health causes you to believe what it wants. It blinds you to the possibilities I believe you still have. And I'm hoping the best for you!

 

[IanUK]

Had a depressing last two years of high school (3 country moves, 3 school changes,3 exam board changes, thank you so much pandemic) and slightly missed my dream unis offer. Have to go to a considerably average uni now despite knowing in my mind that I am deserving of a better uni experience because I've always been a high achiever throughout school. I sacrificed so many social opportunities for the sake of better grades, now this happens. It kills me inside that my last two years of youth were wasted and I can't live my next three years of youth the way I had it planned. Sorry if this doesn't sound like a valid reason or if this isn't the right sub forum I just feel so bad inside it's like my personality has been destroyed

Now guys, I have a loving family who despite being a strict ethnic household especially regarding grades, understands my situation and isn't angry at all. Two younger siblings who I'm very close with as well. But deep down I want it all to end, so many years of my youth wasted while I watch my former classmates and friends have experiences I missed out on with even more to come. To think just a few years ago I made jokes about mental health.

What ways do you recommend me trying that would be a quick and precise way of ending it? For the first time im considering it

I'm considerably older than you. I feel deeply sorry for younger people in todays world and honestly don't envy you. What I would say is you are at the beginning of your life. You are learning the valuable lessons that life rarely delivers everything we want or expect. The problem is young people today are told to follow their dreams and everything it's possible; I'm sorry to say it isn't. My life has been a series of failings, successes and compromises but you make it. Also I've been disappointed when something didn't happen as I wanted then found out later that actually it happened for the best. I can't possibly hope to cram your young mind with my decades of experience but don't feel pressured by other people even loving family. My fathers wishes led me to waste 4 years at university studying a subject I hated because it was the "right" thing to do. However in some ways he was right. You are young and at your age I was also depressed and tried to kill my self. But please give it a chance. Look at what you have as an opportunity not a compromise or second best. Overall do what's right for you. Please don't do anything rash. I've suffered decades of self loathing and hatred of humanity but I've managed to make it because I've never expected or thought I deserved anything. By being glass empty all the time I can only but be surprised when something good happens. My plan has always been to leave life on my terms but it's not a quick decision. You definitely have had a raw start with lockdown etc. but give it a chance and see how you do.