Venting I’m turning 45 in a few days …

[graymatter]

I'm turning 45 in a few days and everything imaginable way this day could be makes me really afraid.

I don't want people to congratulate me because I don't want to act like I'm ok when I'm not.

I don't want to tell them how I feel because I don't want their dishonest compassion nor can I stand their judgment.

I can't just turn my phone off because last time that made them try even more alerting other who forced their so called best wishes on me too.

I don't even know what I could wish for other than just vanishing, not having to deal with it at all. But I'm not free to take off for a few days and I wouldn't even know what to do then.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Same.
I'm 43 on December 11th.
I've never liked birthdays even when I was a kid.
I don't know why people make such a big fuss about them.
I wish phones had never been invented and I wish I could just literally evaporate into thin air.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I'm turning 45 in a few days and everything imaginable way this day could be makes me really afraid.

I don't want people to congratulate me because I don't want to act like I'm ok when I'm not.

I don't want to tell them how I feel because I don't want their dishonest compassion nor can I stand their judgment.

I can't just turn my phone off because last time that made them try even more alerting other who forced their so called best wishes on me too.

I don't even know what I could wish for other than just vanishing, not having to deal with it at all. But I'm not free to take off for a few days and I wouldn't even know what to do then.

I had my 45th birthday in Oct. I relate to your feelings around it.

Personally, I spent the day in doing what I typically do. I don't have a friend group or much family. When I consider the idea of people coming to me saying niceties over me, I'm not sure how I'd respond. I'm sorry if you'll have to deal with that. There's a face one is forced to present in such situations I'd imagine to be hard. Most people around me didn't know it was my birthday - except my partner, but we don't make a fuss over birthdays.

There was something a little surreal in it. When I was younger I was completely convinced I wouldn't make it to 20.

It's strange to grow old.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Sorry u are feeling this way. Don't know what to say besides, somehow just get thru it. Put yourself first, second, and third. U need to do what is best for u. Some guy on YouTube always says that to us who have often put ourselves last or prioritize too much others needs at our own expense. My 47th birthday is coming next some interesting thing that happened this year to me is I stopped caring or being self conscious about looking older or unattractive. I used to really feel afraid of aging but now I just accept it. I only long for my youth in the sense that I would have made better life choices, but not as in longing for the times of my youth. I do go the gym and try not to eat too much garbage, overdo it on drugs, get enough sleep, but that's really all. The gym helps so much to feel younger and look better.

 

[graymatter]

Same.
I'm 43 on December 11th.
I've never liked birthdays even when I was a kid.
I don't know why people make such a big fuss about them.
I wish phones had never been invented and I wish I could just literally evaporate into thin air.

I loved birthdays an christmas so much. I loved looking forward to it, I loved they the joy and excitement, the lights, the smells, the preparation and everything around but it has lost all meaning. It vanished into thin air and since I can't get any of it back I want follow, vanish but I'm to afraid to make the step.

 

[testingthis101010]

I turned 43 in October.

Is it possible guys to keep "living" and working and just acting like everything is fine? I mean I have zero goals, and apart from living each and single day like if it was the last, I am just trying to cope and keep busy. I also drink from time to time. I am not using any medication since 2018.

My last attempt was in Dec 2016. I used N, I threw the 15g of N dissolved in water in the sink, right before drinking it. I had already taken the antiemetics and fasted a couple of hours. I was alone and felt like I would just keep falling to infinity as soon as I drink it and die and it didn't feel peaceful.

I am writing this and almost crying as I was reading your messages guys, I felt a little bit less alone. I don't know what is the goal of this message, but I can't help and think about ending it, almost every single day.

 

[graymatter]

Sorry u are feeling this way. Don't know what to say besides, somehow just get thru it. Put yourself first, second, and third. U need to do what is best for u. Some guy on internet always says that to us who have often put ourselves last or prioritize too much others needs at our own expense. My 47th birthday is coming next some interesting thing that happened this year to me is I stopped caring or being self conscious about looking older or unattractive. I used to really feel afraid of aging but now I just accept it. I only long for my youth in the sense that I would have made better life choices, but not as in longing for the times of my youth. I do go the gym and try not to eat to much garbage, overdo it on drugs, get enough sleep, but that's really all. The gym helps so much to feel younger and look better.

I have no idea how putting myself first would look like. I'd love to just have a nice evening but I can't enjoy most things anymore. Venting here and numbing myself with loud music helped a bit to calm me down but more than that, I don't know anything I would want that would make me have a nice evening. But a bit less anxious and a bit less scared after a terrible day is good.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I have no idea how putting myself first would look like. I'd love to just have a nice evening but I can't enjoy most things anymore. Venting here and numbing myself with loud music helped a bit to calm me down but more than that, I don't know anything I would want that would make me have a nice evening. But a bit less anxious and a bit less scared after a terrible day is good.

What it means to put yourself first is to honor your feelings and desires. Everything u said that u are concerned about, be willing to do what u want, even if u don't know what that is. Do not allow yourself to be doing what everyone else wants from u. This is how we end up dying prematurely, because we just let other people take too much or impose too much on us. We lack boundaries, or don't know how to say no, NO is the most powerful word in the English language and u need to tell people no more often. I still give of myself to other people but not in a way where I'm overextending myself and it's hurting me.

 

[graymatter]

What it means to put yourself first is to honor your feelings and desires. Everything u said that u are concerned about, be willing to do what u want, even if u don't know what that is. Do not allow yourself to be doing what everyone else wants from u. This is how we end up dying prematurely, because we just let other people take too much or impose too much on us. We lack boundaries, or don't know how to say no, NO is the most powerful word in the English language and u need to tell people no more often. I still give of myself to other people but not in a way where I'm overextending myself and it's hurting me.

I do have problems saying no, this is for sure. People constantly tell me they thought I wasn't serious when I said I don't want something but it's the same when I ask for something I want and don't take me serious. I'm tired of asking, explaining and begging for trivialities. I'm sick of being shoved aside when ask for actual help but I can't change people and can't always only be me.

I often see these conflicts among others and very carefully try to pitch in and help. I'm much mur successful resolve those conflicts for others than for myself but somehow it earned me the attribution of beeing completely devoid of empathy as my friends put it. It the complete opposite of how I see it but thats not a new thing.

Talking about it makes me feel angry. Angry is much better than sorrowful.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I do have problems saying no, this is for sure. People constantly tell me they thought I wasn't serious when I said I don't want something but it's the same when I ask for something I want and don't take me serious. I'm tired of asking, explaining and begging for trivialities. I'm sick of being shoved aside when ask for actual help but I can't change people and can't always only be me.

I often see these conflicts among others and very carefully try to pitch in and help. I'm much mur successful resolve those conflicts for others than for myself but somehow it earned me the attribution of beeing completely devoid of empathy as my friends put it. It the complete opposite of how I see it but thats not a new thing.

Talking about it makes me feel angry. Angry is much better than sorrowful.

This sounds like u have one sided relationships in your life but u may not really realize it. If u grew up in an environment where u didn't get needs met properly, u might develop relationships with people where this happens like what u are saying. I had to cut many people out of my life when I started to realize that they would not do the same as what I would do for them. I know that it can be lonely initially if u cut out some of these people but it's what it takes to heal and then u have to find new friends. I have done this and it has helped. I've also lowered my expectations of people because I understand we are all broken. I will befriend people who I feel comfortable with, but I have only some basic conditions, so my standards aren't too high, but just reasonable. People will always dissapoint us and we will dissapoint other people, but u just have to find the ones who have similar standards and expectations as u. You will have fewer friends as a result of this though. I'd rather have few friends who are worth having in my life than people who would not be reliable much of the time.

 

[tiger b]

I'm closer to 46 than 45. In this last year I definitely feel an awful lot older.

I think there must be, at least, an element of boredom that increases in many people's lives?

I think I've done the vast majority of things I wanted to do. I wouldn't say I had the 'career success' I hoped for, but I'm not sure I'm really that bothered about that in the future. I'm far more motivated by avoiding things than being attracted to things now. Maybe that's the way to go

Maybe that's the way ahead but I've never been a laid-back person or having any particular patience, so I feel a bit lost in myself.

Logically I think I should CTB. But I'm not sure the decision should be on logic, but quality of life.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I'm lucky noone actually wishes me happy birthday because they know it's meaningless to me.

 

[pitchodile]

I'm closer to 46 than 45. In this last year I definitely feel an awful lot older.

I think there must be, at least, an element of boredom that increases in many people's lives?

I think I've done the vast majority of things I wanted to do. I wouldn't say I had the 'career success' I hoped for, but I'm not sure I'm really that bothered about that in the future. I'm far more motivated by avoiding things than being attracted to things now. Maybe that's the way to go

Maybe that's the way ahead but I've never been a laid-back person or having any particular patience, so I feel a bit lost in myself.

Logically I think I should CTB. But I'm not sure the decision should be on logic, but quality of life.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I'm lucky noone actually wishes me happy birthday because they know it's meaningless to me.

Well good for you for making it that far!
I'm 19 and I can't imagine making it past 21. I'm just trying to get every ready for my CTB then I'm going to acend to whatever's next for me:).
I no you said you don't care but happy birthday!