I'm trying to stay positive and I'm trying to use all this rage, sadness and disappointment to do something that can help people. But I don't know how to deal with friends turning to impulsive behaviors, I lost so many people that now my heart breaks at the first sign. It's heartbreaking, I want my loved ones to be happy and safe. Each time I talk it's always the wrong thing to say, I feel like it got to the point it won't make a difference, but I'm also haunted by the past. I don't think I'll ber forgive myself for distancing myself from people I cared about abd now they are gone forever.
I don't want to go through this again, but no matter how I try to play it it's never the right choice. I can't be helpful for this people and it's hard to feel like I'm the only person staying positive.
And now I wonder if I should keep a plan b on hand, because I can't handle to lose another life. I meant it when I said I want to stay and fight until I can't anymore, I meant it because I watched this happening over and over again and I'm tired of crying and be scared and waiting passively for change.
But I'm weak when it comes to lose people. I don't say anything about it but inside I feel myself crumble under the pressure of losing people that mean the world to me.
I have nobody to talk about things, I'm feeling very alone in this situation. I wish I had someone who was in my same boat and could understand why I'm reacting like this. I'm tired too, I am done too, but I can't just watch shit happen no more. This is destroying me. I don't know how I can keep up with this. I'll keep trying but part of me wishes that I could just check out. So much guilt, pressure and responsibilities. I don't want to die, but at the same time I do, I want to help but I wish somebody would help me too.
Maybe a plan be for safe ctb is a good idea, so if shit really goes down and If I lose my loved ones then at least I'll see them on the other side...
I don't want to go through this again, but no matter how I try to play it it's never the right choice. I can't be helpful for this people and it's hard to feel like I'm the only person staying positive.
And now I wonder if I should keep a plan b on hand, because I can't handle to lose another life. I meant it when I said I want to stay and fight until I can't anymore, I meant it because I watched this happening over and over again and I'm tired of crying and be scared and waiting passively for change.
But I'm weak when it comes to lose people. I don't say anything about it but inside I feel myself crumble under the pressure of losing people that mean the world to me.
I have nobody to talk about things, I'm feeling very alone in this situation. I wish I had someone who was in my same boat and could understand why I'm reacting like this. I'm tired too, I am done too, but I can't just watch shit happen no more. This is destroying me. I don't know how I can keep up with this. I'll keep trying but part of me wishes that I could just check out. So much guilt, pressure and responsibilities. I don't want to die, but at the same time I do, I want to help but I wish somebody would help me too.
Maybe a plan be for safe ctb is a good idea, so if shit really goes down and If I lose my loved ones then at least I'll see them on the other side...
