Venting I'm totally depressed

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I came home. Had a bath and now I'm laying on my bed. I can't stop thinking about my family. How they will suffer and that made feel bad very very bad. I don't take any medication but I can't go on like this.. I only drink beers just to put myself in a good mood but even drunk sometimes I cry. I don't want to live like this but thinking about my family i imagine them crying. That kills me. And remembering my past life before all this shit happens it's like someone stabs me in the heart. I don't know what to do. Honestly. I have everything to ctb. Today I read a new that said a girl my age took her life and I thought "that could have been me" but I'm still here. I still breath. I still feel. I still suffer. I can't take it. And there's nothing. I can do to reverse my situation. I tried everything but I had bad luck. I'm so sorry for all the pain I will cause to my family. They gave me everything so I can be the happiest person in the world and I ended up like this. I'm crying like a baby. I'm So sorry...

 

[Backwood_tilt]

That sounds awful. So sorry you have to endure this right now.

I don't want to live like this but thinking about my family i imagine them crying. That kills me.

And remembering my past life before all this shit happens it's like someone stabs me in the heart.

Feeling this part so much.

 

[LMLN]

Dont be sorry. I'm sorry for your suffering. I understand. Today has been horrendous for me. Much anxiety and depression.

 

[Jean4]

Time, I get it and am so sorry. I think it is wonderful that you have a family you care about. Many, like myself, aren't that lucky.

I take meds and they help. Maybe it is something you would want to think about.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I had a horrible day too. I was just... Too sad to even cry today. Every cell in my body is just aching. I have nothing to grasp onto but my method, nothing is sure or secure in life but it. Looking forward to freedom whenever her and I have the fortune of meeting.

 

[Intelligent Ape]

Suicide hurts to a family. Right. But our imagination about aftermath of suicide may hurt us more.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

im sorry bro, i dont wanna do this to my family either, especially my mom, as we've always clicked really well and it'll crush her. its gonna cause a lot of breakdowns and trauma, and in a way i feel like im letting them down. but this wasnt my fault, i dont want to die, i dont want to be in this shitty situation, but its what life has done to me. same with you, we didnt want this. just know that this is a last resort as we tried our best to fix our problems, or at least deal with them, but they were too much. its not fair but i guess thats life... we just had to have terrible luck, so the cruelty of life is the only thing to be blamed for our passings. as sad as it is i'll have to hurt people and cut my life so short when i had lots of potential, it has to be done. eventually you get tired of the bullshit that is life and can no longer participate.

 

[S1mpleme]

If I had family I would cry of happiness.

 

[Sensei]

Every cell in my body is just aching.

Is this purely metaphorical or is it literal in some sense? I mean that it feels as if your aching of depression all over your body.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

Is this purely metaphorical or is it literal in some sense? I mean that it feels as if your aching of depression all over your body.

It is metaphorical in part, but also true in part, in the sense that my entire body feels the depression, yes. Absolutely. It is a dull ache, a heaviness, and just, a very physical feeling. absolutely.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt your family. I'm tormented with this all the time. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Sensei]

It is metaphorical in part, but also true in part, in the sense that my entire body feels the depression, yes. Absolutely. It is a dull ache, a heaviness, and just, a very physical feeling. absolutely.

I recognize this feeling. It's very vague, but it could be a symptom of something else. Is this your only depression or have you had depressions before? If so, how long have they lasted?

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I recognize this feeling. It's very vague, but it could be a symptom of something else. Is this your only depression or have you had depressions before? If so, how long have they lasted?

To be honest, I believe it is thyroid and hormonally related, from what I have gathered from monitoring my own basal body temperatures, I run low. I have had a very traumatic life, and as a result I believe I am going into peri-menopause at 30. My hormones are absolutely in the gutter, and I feel it. It is absolutely cyclical. Although at the moment there is no end in sight because there is no cycle in sight. I'm in the midst of a missed period, about a week into when it should have started (i'm not pregnant), which also coincides with the onset of my current depressive spell, unfortunately. I know, pills, doctors and such... I'm just over it. my body should work on it's own or it doesn't deserve to live. Lol

 

[k75]

To be honest, I believe it is thyroid and hormonally related, from what I have gathered from monitoring my own basal body temperatures, I run low. I have had a very traumatic life, and as a result I believe I am going into peri-menopause at 30. My hormones are absolutely in the gutter, and I feel it. It is absolutely cyclical. Although at the moment there is no end in sight because there is no cycle in sight. I'm in the midst of a missed period, about a week into when it should have started (i'm not pregnant), which also coincides with the onset of my current depressive spell, unfortunately. I know, pills, doctors and such... I'm just over it. my body should work on it's own or it doesn't deserve to live. Lol

(To you and everyone else feeling bad)

Just to throw this out, maybe it would be worth it to have your thyroid checked out. A thyroid imbalance can cause severe depression, and what if fixing that is all you need to feel better?? It's just a little blood test.

I'm speaking from experience here. I had my thyroid removed, and as bad as I feel now, I feel so much worse when my hormones are off. It can also cause my suicidal ideation to spike. And it just makes me feel bad physically.

Vitamin D levels are another thing that people don't check, that really do make a big difference. I'm struggling with vitamin D right now. I don't remember what units they measure it in, but mine is around 5 and should be in the 30s. I'm chronically deficient, and I have no doubt that adds to my depression.

 

[Moonicide]

Hey, love. How are you doing these days since your last post? I think it's very thoughtful of you to really put much thought and care with your decision on whether to ctb or not. It sounds like the love you have for your loved ones is keeping you here and that's always a nice thing to have... Like many people have said here, have you looked into treatment and maybe getting on medication? I don't know your situation or your story, so please forgive me if it's not something you can do. It's also totally okay to not be ready to ctb just yet. Really take your time on this. If there are any other options or opportunities left, if there is still a little tiny spark of life left in you, then please see this through. Ctbing with so many What Ifs can be quite difficult and you might struggle with being at peace when the time comes... My heart goes out to you, love. Just know we are here to support you during these hard times.