Venting I'm torn

[hopeless302]

Unfortunately, there are a handful of people who might be negatively affected if I CTB. This is probably the biggest thing holding me back from just allowing myself to succumb to my suicidal thoughts, even more so than the potential for physical agony. Like, what if my death affects them negatively and they become depressed as well? What if they feel some sort of misplaced guilt and blame themselves? What if I'm overestimating my importance and my death won't matter to others nearly 1% as much as I think it will? Should any of this even matter considering I'll be dead anyway?

I was thinking of making a social media post or something to explain my actions and cushion some of the damage, you know? Or maybe leave behind a note that succinctly explains how I feel. But I'm still so torn. People aren't rational. They'll probably still be hurt no matter what I say. It's like everyone is holding an invisible gun to my head, screaming at me, telling me I need to "keep living". But live for what? Just more suffering? More disappointment? More constant reminders of how much of an absolute failure I am based on every conceivable metric? I don't understand any of this. Why couldn't I have been a normal person instead of being plagued with a life of deprivation and torment?

I wish I was the kind of guy who could just bounce back up from whatever trauma life threw his way. But nah, I'm not strong at all. I fracture and break. I feel it deeply and persistently.

 

[freedomcalls]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you
Hugs

 

[pauly1963]

Thankfully all of my abusive family are dead, except my sister. We are not close, but She does care about me and I know She would be very upset if I ctb. Like you say, you do not know what kind of impact this would have on others. But then again, would your loved ones want you suffering to the point where you seek nonexistence, or would they want to see you at peace so to speak ? Vets are allowed to put suffering animals out of their misery. Pet owners cannot bear seeing their beloved animals suffering. So why not the same with humans ? Any living being that is going through torment should be shown the ultimate compassion, and that ultimate compassion is the permanent release from existence. So sorry you are going through this, it is a terrible dilemma.

 

[Pluto]

Living for others is not a lifestyle (at least not in that sense). The only workable options are to attempt a recovery based on finding some path of authentic self-discovery, or else following through with CTB.

I've changed my mind several times over the issue of whether to write a final social media post. Nobody is going to be supportive no matter how thoughtfully I explain my situation, and few would even care. Anything at that point is just a token.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think a lot of us here are in a similar position. It's not an easy thing to comfort someone on either because- as you say- it's hard to judge how it will affect people.

I've often wished that mental anguish could be as visible as physical illness. I think most family members partly want a release for their loved ones when they see them in so much physical pain. We're kind of screwed though because if we show how badly we feel, the results aren't always positive and supportive and if they are- they may lead to being committed, which I haven't read many good things about.

I feel like I have to keep going for my Dad's sake. For now though, I think I can just about tread water. After him, I have largely become estranged from family and friends- so I'm hoping that will help (them) if I manage to do it. I think distancing yourself and not making any new connections is one way people here try to reduce the impact. Not sure if it works and it obviously depends on your situation- if people are around you all the time, it's not that practical.

I feel like a note left behind (or, delayed email probably) does seem like a way of explaining some things. I know it can't answer everything but I (personally) feel like it's better than nothing.

I've always felt it's largely feeling based. I kind of think a time comes for people where their pain is so large, it overshadows everything else and they can bring themselves to do it. I'm so sorry life has brought you here. I hope you can find peace in whatever you decide.

 

[SamTam33]

I used to worry about leaving my mom. Then I made a list of all the fucked up things she's said, done or allowed to happen to me over the years and that worry cleared right up lol.

Now I actually refer to the list for extra motivation.

 

[Nirrend]

Unfortunately, there are a handful of people who might be negatively affected if I CTB. This is probably the biggest thing holding me back from just allowing myself to succumb to my suicidal thoughts, even more so than the potential for physical agony. Like, what if my death affects them negatively and they become depressed as well? What if they feel some sort of misplaced guilt and blame themselves? What if I'm overestimating my importance and my death won't matter to others nearly 1% as much as I think it will? Should any of this even matter considering I'll be dead anyway?

I was thinking of making a social media post or something to explain my actions and cushion some of the damage, you know? Or maybe leave behind a note that succinctly explains how I feel. But I'm still so torn. People aren't rational. They'll probably still be hurt no matter what I say. It's like everyone is holding an invisible gun to my head, screaming at me, telling me I need to "keep living". But live for what? Just more suffering? More disappointment? More constant reminders of how much of an absolute failure I am based on every conceivable metric? I don't understand any of this. Why couldn't I have been a normal person instead of being plagued with a life of deprivation and torment?

I wish I was the kind of guy who could just bounce back up from whatever trauma life threw his way. But nah, I'm not strong at all. I fracture and break. I feel it deeply and persistently.

Hi sweet @hopeless302

I'm sorry you're going through such things right now ❤

I understand, I imagine you are going through a dilemma, you are torn between staying for the sake of your loved ones, and leaving because you can't take it anymore

I imagine that you are suffering a lot, that you feel that your morale is plummeting, that you are caught in a circle of guilt, doubts, sadness, fatigue and also immense loneliness.

Because yes, unfortunately, when it comes to contemplating our own end, it is done in taboo, in solitude, in anguish and social and moral pressure

Indeed, you know, I think that even abusive relatives or those who have behaved badly with a relative who has just taken his or her own life, will always end up regretting it, blaming themselves, mourning it

This is how human behaviour works, "everything at the last moment". We give the files more towards the end than the beginning of the time allotted to us, we often warn people too late when we organise things and also, we cry and feel guilty when the person is no longer

Of course you will hurt, of course you are loved in some way and you will be missed. We too will miss you ❤

You know, I don't know what leads you to have suicidal thoughts, it can be as much due to a fatalistic global vision of the world, a bereavement, a redundancy etc...

But I think that even if you are suffering a lot today, there is always the possibility to find a spark, a flame that we can rekindle in ourselves

If you are suffering and you consider that there is no hope in this life, why should I beg you to stay? I prefer to know that you are at peace, relieved of all suffering

But at the same time, I tell myself that maybe this storm is only temporary, maybe when the wind is up, it will sweep away these grey clouds and maybe you'll see this immense blue sky ❤

Your suffering is legitimate, I just tell myself that tomorrow is another day and maybe you can blossom, be happy

In any case, whatever you choose to do, you are not a coward, you have courage to endure all this and I don't think that people who have never really suffered from something like we are experiencing here, are able to understand what it means to endure and face an evil that is nothing more than a part of ourselves that is necrosing from the inside

Stay brave as you are, don't forget us, you are not alone ❤

You can be proud of everything you've been through and everything you're doing, because every person brings something to this life in some way❤

Love ❤

 

[pauly1963]

I used to worry about leaving my mom. Then I made a list of all the fucked up things she's said, done or allowed to happen to me over the years and that worry cleared right up lol.

Now I actually refer to the list for extra motivation.

Parents can be very cruel. I know all too well from experience. A lot of people lack the qualities needed to be a decent parent. Some people should never be allowed to have children. My narcissistic so-called parents should never have been allowed to breed in the first place

 

[Lylaxlyla]

For some reason I feel like people are gonna hate me more than being upset over my death.They're gonna blame their misery on me,call what I did 'selfish'.Isn't it more selfish that they want me to stay here even though I suffer?

 

[UnlimitedPain]

For some reason I feel like people are gonna hate me more than being upset over my death.They're gonna blame their misery on me,call what I did 'selfish'.Isn't it more selfish that they want me to stay here even though I suffer?

I feel this way too, there a line from system of a down "I don't think you trust in my self righteous suicide"

@hopeless302 am sorry for how this feels, you are not alone.

Existing in this cruel world of suffering is hard eoungh

 

[pauly1963]

For some reason I feel like people are gonna hate me more than being upset over my death.They're gonna blame their misery on me,call what I did 'selfish'.Isn't it more selfish that they want me to stay here even though I suffer?

Yes, to prolong the suffering of others is selfish but they fail to see it that way. Yet they understand someone wanting to die from a physical illness that is causing them great distress.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do get that it can be a difficult situation to be in, when you wish to ctb yet you are leaving others behind. In my case I could never stay here and suffer only for the sake of other people, I never asked to be here and when to leave this world is a personal decision in which nobody else has any right to interfere in after all.

But the way that I see it, death is simply inevitable for us all and grief and loss are an inevitable consequence of bringing life into this world. Eventually someday we will all lose everything and we likely won't even exist in the memories of others. Continuing to exist could only ever be delaying our inevitable fate and the truth is that human life is completely insignificant.