notwhereIbelong
I'm so tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 124
I'm tired of the cycle. Every once in a while I'll get a reason or two to live, a reason to try. I get more social, I try to make plans for the future, I try to make something of myself.
Then shit hits the fan again, usually a depressive crisis for one reason or another, I completely lose my grasp and I'm back down in the pits again. I don't see a reason to try anymore, what's the point if everything fails?
One small hurdle and I'm back to despising myself, one small hurdle and I lose whatever friends I managed to make, along with any hope I had for the future.
It made me scared of trying; I've failed so many things in my life, who says I'll ever succeed at anything? What's the point of the constant up and down? I'm just wearing myself out.
And I know that living my life as a hikikomori/neet is not the solution either, I tried it, it just feels as miserable as everything else.
I'm in a very weird spot, for the first time I'm not extremely depressed anymore, but there's no happiness either, just apathy. I'm stuck in acedia, living by inertia, and I don't know what to do. Everything feels so tiring, I'm too scared to try anything to move myself forward, and yet suicide doesn't feel like an option either?
Recovery feels like an infinite uphill battle.
Is anyone stuck in something similar? The constant up and down phases? Is there an out, besides becoming a grey shadow?
Then shit hits the fan again, usually a depressive crisis for one reason or another, I completely lose my grasp and I'm back down in the pits again. I don't see a reason to try anymore, what's the point if everything fails?
One small hurdle and I'm back to despising myself, one small hurdle and I lose whatever friends I managed to make, along with any hope I had for the future.
It made me scared of trying; I've failed so many things in my life, who says I'll ever succeed at anything? What's the point of the constant up and down? I'm just wearing myself out.
And I know that living my life as a hikikomori/neet is not the solution either, I tried it, it just feels as miserable as everything else.
I'm in a very weird spot, for the first time I'm not extremely depressed anymore, but there's no happiness either, just apathy. I'm stuck in acedia, living by inertia, and I don't know what to do. Everything feels so tiring, I'm too scared to try anything to move myself forward, and yet suicide doesn't feel like an option either?
Recovery feels like an infinite uphill battle.
Is anyone stuck in something similar? The constant up and down phases? Is there an out, besides becoming a grey shadow?
