Michelstaedter
Experienced
- Feb 25, 2025
- 285
It will be a long text, perhaps not many people will read it, but those who do should know that I am with them in their pain, regardless of the circumstances. My guarantee is that one day I will die as proof of that support...
I've always been a loner, from elementary school through college. Perhaps being with one or a group of friends didn't soothe the loneliness inside me, and the fact that I'm writing this now, both physically and emotionally alone, proves that I've always been this way in some way, whether physically or emotionally. From a young age, I felt like what was happening to me was some kind of curse or something, especially regarding not having a girlfriend. I used to be a shy kid; I was always told that being too shy was a bad idea if I wanted to get a job or have "better" relationships, since people tend to shy away from introverts. So I thought the problem was me and my attitude. I changed with a lot of effort, I went to therapy, I took psychotropic drugs and I tried to make an effort to change, from raising my voice to ask for something, to speaking in front of the class, as well as talking to a girl, going on a date or confessing my feelings to a woman... But in this last one it was always in vain, because they rejected me, they gave me any excuse, justifiable, for why they didn't see me as a boyfriend and only saw me as "a friend", although it didn't even reach that, because it was a rhetorical word to say that they don't care about you and don't see you as anyone relevant in their lives.
Ten years ago, I began my NEET life. I left university, but I didn't graduate and was unable to practice my profession. For privacy reasons, I'll omit my profession, but it's closely related to mental health, so you can imagine what I mean. It was a contradiction in itself. I thought that studying it would help me get ahead in life, and why not? Help other people going through similar or difficult situations. After all, my goal wasn't just financial, but a way of redeeming myself for the mistakes I had made and didn't want to see others make. One of those mistakes was getting my hopes up about having a girlfriend. It got to the point where I became obsessed to the point where I started having dark thoughts, homicidal thoughts, and even thoughts of crimes that I can't describe here, and it's not worth it. In the end I managed to overcome all of that, because I realized that romantic relationships were a mere parody of what mercantilism represents: offering something in exchange for something else of more or less the same value. There's a writer named Esther Vilar (her name in Spanish, as I believe she's known as Margareta Katzen in the United States and Europe) who writes quite well about these topics and who, for 50 years now, has put into words what I'm referring to, and in a clearer way. She argues that marriage, children, and everything related to the family institution ultimately amounts to a mere commercial contract where a man has to work, strive, and give his entire life to create something that, at least in my case, makes me wonder if it's worth it, as it seems like a useless effort for something artificial and superficial. I've seen beautiful women with blue, gray, or green eyes, beautiful skin, large breasts, and round buttocks next to men who have to "pay" a great deal to have them by their side, both symbolically and literally, since there are porn actresses or escorts who do the "work" of sex in exchange for money. Consequently, I realized that my mindset of wanting to find something that was inherently useless, and knowing that this society more or less revolves around it, was like the myth of Sisyphus. For those who don't know it, it's a punishment the gods gave to a certain character, which consisted of carrying a giant boulder to the top of a mountain only to roll it back down and then return for it, eternally performing a pointless task that has no meaning for all eternity...
In the end, and it's clear to me that when I refer to being "dead while alive," it's not just a feeling, but a reality. At over 30 years old, still being a NEET, having little to no work experience, no professional qualifications, and no dreams, aspirations, or desire to live, it's like society turns its back on you beforehand. They see you as a loser, an idiot, a mentally retarded person, a social outcast who is good for nothing. The same goes for the topic of having a girlfriend. Most women won't look for a man with those characteristics. I put myself in their "comfortable high-heeled shoes" and realize that, yes, it's common sense not to look for a man who offers them nothing. That would be crazy, foolish, a waste of time, knowing that out there are hundreds of men willing to give anything to have their bodies, their caresses, their affection, and everything related to that mercantilism that people colloquially refer to as love, which is nothing more than a euphemism for a form of hidden prostitution that occurs in most relationships. Obviously, the exceptions are isolated cases, which of course doesn't mean that there aren't people who want to take a different path than the one the majority of the population chooses. A man like me, then, is dead in both spheres and therefore dead in general, because he will not leave offspring (and that is for the best) and sooner or later he will die, while suicide, hypocritically, is seen as an exit that only "losers and cowards" commit while "winners" continue consuming, continue living and continue playing in this infamy of life that makes no sense to continue participating in.
I have cried so much, I have suffered so much that I feel tired, waking up is very complicated and joys are a mere masturbation, because they are so ephemeral and generated by the fantasy that what is happening is really something worth living for.
I almost forgot, I wanted to include a bibliographic source about this author and one of her books in case you're interested:
en.wikipedia.org
I've always been a loner, from elementary school through college. Perhaps being with one or a group of friends didn't soothe the loneliness inside me, and the fact that I'm writing this now, both physically and emotionally alone, proves that I've always been this way in some way, whether physically or emotionally. From a young age, I felt like what was happening to me was some kind of curse or something, especially regarding not having a girlfriend. I used to be a shy kid; I was always told that being too shy was a bad idea if I wanted to get a job or have "better" relationships, since people tend to shy away from introverts. So I thought the problem was me and my attitude. I changed with a lot of effort, I went to therapy, I took psychotropic drugs and I tried to make an effort to change, from raising my voice to ask for something, to speaking in front of the class, as well as talking to a girl, going on a date or confessing my feelings to a woman... But in this last one it was always in vain, because they rejected me, they gave me any excuse, justifiable, for why they didn't see me as a boyfriend and only saw me as "a friend", although it didn't even reach that, because it was a rhetorical word to say that they don't care about you and don't see you as anyone relevant in their lives.
Ten years ago, I began my NEET life. I left university, but I didn't graduate and was unable to practice my profession. For privacy reasons, I'll omit my profession, but it's closely related to mental health, so you can imagine what I mean. It was a contradiction in itself. I thought that studying it would help me get ahead in life, and why not? Help other people going through similar or difficult situations. After all, my goal wasn't just financial, but a way of redeeming myself for the mistakes I had made and didn't want to see others make. One of those mistakes was getting my hopes up about having a girlfriend. It got to the point where I became obsessed to the point where I started having dark thoughts, homicidal thoughts, and even thoughts of crimes that I can't describe here, and it's not worth it. In the end I managed to overcome all of that, because I realized that romantic relationships were a mere parody of what mercantilism represents: offering something in exchange for something else of more or less the same value. There's a writer named Esther Vilar (her name in Spanish, as I believe she's known as Margareta Katzen in the United States and Europe) who writes quite well about these topics and who, for 50 years now, has put into words what I'm referring to, and in a clearer way. She argues that marriage, children, and everything related to the family institution ultimately amounts to a mere commercial contract where a man has to work, strive, and give his entire life to create something that, at least in my case, makes me wonder if it's worth it, as it seems like a useless effort for something artificial and superficial. I've seen beautiful women with blue, gray, or green eyes, beautiful skin, large breasts, and round buttocks next to men who have to "pay" a great deal to have them by their side, both symbolically and literally, since there are porn actresses or escorts who do the "work" of sex in exchange for money. Consequently, I realized that my mindset of wanting to find something that was inherently useless, and knowing that this society more or less revolves around it, was like the myth of Sisyphus. For those who don't know it, it's a punishment the gods gave to a certain character, which consisted of carrying a giant boulder to the top of a mountain only to roll it back down and then return for it, eternally performing a pointless task that has no meaning for all eternity...
In the end, and it's clear to me that when I refer to being "dead while alive," it's not just a feeling, but a reality. At over 30 years old, still being a NEET, having little to no work experience, no professional qualifications, and no dreams, aspirations, or desire to live, it's like society turns its back on you beforehand. They see you as a loser, an idiot, a mentally retarded person, a social outcast who is good for nothing. The same goes for the topic of having a girlfriend. Most women won't look for a man with those characteristics. I put myself in their "comfortable high-heeled shoes" and realize that, yes, it's common sense not to look for a man who offers them nothing. That would be crazy, foolish, a waste of time, knowing that out there are hundreds of men willing to give anything to have their bodies, their caresses, their affection, and everything related to that mercantilism that people colloquially refer to as love, which is nothing more than a euphemism for a form of hidden prostitution that occurs in most relationships. Obviously, the exceptions are isolated cases, which of course doesn't mean that there aren't people who want to take a different path than the one the majority of the population chooses. A man like me, then, is dead in both spheres and therefore dead in general, because he will not leave offspring (and that is for the best) and sooner or later he will die, while suicide, hypocritically, is seen as an exit that only "losers and cowards" commit while "winners" continue consuming, continue living and continue playing in this infamy of life that makes no sense to continue participating in.
I have cried so much, I have suffered so much that I feel tired, waking up is very complicated and joys are a mere masturbation, because they are so ephemeral and generated by the fantasy that what is happening is really something worth living for.
I almost forgot, I wanted to include a bibliographic source about this author and one of her books in case you're interested:
The Manipulated Man - Wikipedia
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