Venting i’m terrified of what’s next.

[jupiterjanedoe]

i saw a psychiatrist for the first time when i was 9 because i was "acting out" (read: becoming symptomatic of the ADHD, OCD, SPD, and anxiety i would soon be diagnosed with). i was 12 when my estranged cousin hung himself and cemented in my mind that suicide is a viable and realistic option, not just something people in movies do. i was 13 when i was hospitalized for the first of nine times for issues relating to schizoaffective disorder. i've been through residential, short term inpatient, and outpatient programs. i've seen a therapist weekly for 6 years. i just turned 18 a few months ago, and through the frustration and anger of spending 9 years and putting my mother thousands of dollars in debt, i can't make myself do it. i've made 20+ plans and killed myself 0 times. it's fucking absurd. my existence and involuntary hospitalizations have done nothing but fill my mom with absolute sorrow, drive away any friends i once had, and ruin any possibility of a hopeful life. i had so many psychotic breaks that i could not function through and dropped out of highschool at 16 so my mother couldn't face consequences for my truancy, despite explicit instruction from my care team stating that i physically could not be at school. i haven't had hope or a vision for my life since i was 12, and 6 years of self pity and bullshit excuses have done nothing but hurt my mom. they've hurt the only person who's ever cared for me and put every ounce of her being into trying to keep me safe and happy. she's extremely mentally ill herself, yet she's thrown away all care for herself besides an occasional psych visit to put me first. if anything, these years of lollygagging have made it harder for her to say goodbye if the time ever fucking comes. i'm just too afraid. i know that a lot of people here see it as a sign that one isn't really ready if they have hesitation, but i know this is the only path my life can take. the only question about it is when i'll finally get the balls to do it, but when i do eventually ctb, i'll do it right.

 

[c824767]

i saw a psychiatrist for the first time when i was 9 because i was "acting out" (read: becoming symptomatic of the ADHD, OCD, SPD, and anxiety i would soon be diagnosed with). i was 12 when my estranged cousin hung himself and cemented in my mind that suicide is a viable and realistic option, not just something people in movies do. i was 13 when i was hospitalized for the first of nine times for issues relating to schizoaffective disorder. i've been through residential, short term inpatient, and outpatient programs. i've seen a therapist weekly for 6 years. i just turned 18 a few months ago, and through the frustration and anger of spending 9 years and putting my mother thousands of dollars in debt, i can't make myself do it. i've made 20+ plans and killed myself 0 times. it's fucking absurd. my existence and involuntary hospitalizations have done nothing but fill my mom with absolute sorrow, drive away any friends i once had, and ruin any possibility of a hopeful life. i had so many psychotic breaks that i could not function through and dropped out of highschool at 16 so my mother couldn't face consequences for my truancy, despite explicit instruction from my care team stating that i physically could not be at school. i haven't had hope or a vision for my life since i was 12, and 6 years of self pity and bullshit excuses have done nothing but hurt my mom. they've hurt the only person who's ever cared for me and put every ounce of her being into trying to keep me safe and happy. she's extremely mentally ill herself, yet she's thrown away all care for herself besides an occasional psych visit to put me first. if anything, these years of lollygagging have made it harder for her to say goodbye if the time ever fucking comes. i'm just too afraid. i know that a lot of people here see it as a sign that one isn't really ready if they have hesitation, but i know this is the only path my life can take. the only question about it is when i'll finally get the balls to do it, but when i do eventually ctb, i'll do it right.

you have another path to consider: to get a voice and general acceptance of your suicidal ideation. You are not alone. If I am correct, a huge tsunami of suicidal ideation is engulfing the planet. We need to tell our stories of why we need to get help without putting anyone in debt and what is wrong with this planet.