I'm such a hypocrite.

[ornitier199]

Always so sure that I can ctb with the sure method of jumping from the bridge, yet still haven't done it.
Just in total shame. I was supposed to have done it already. Yet I keep stalling and I'm pissing everyone off. I didn't think it was possible but I don't think I can ctb alone. even though I want to.
i just want to get this over with already. It's agonizing watching behind the bars of this cage, kidding myself every minute of everyday.

 

[lostmylove]

Stalling to ctb shouldnt piss anyone off. Unless you're in some weird death cult. This is your decision, you can't rush it. It sounds like your circumstances aren't right to go . Please don't feel like you can't jus change your mind and you have to go, I'm sure nobody's pissed off

 

[Message In A Bottle]

Don't beat yourself over it too much, I think everyone in some way or another has had second thoughts about it. It's like two thoughts playing tug o war with your emotions. Sorta like how in the movies there are two people (typically an angel and a devil) and ones saying to do it while the other is saying not to. I'd say one of those "thoughts" is SI - which we all have and is tricky to overcome. Especially if it's jumping...that SI "angel" is always gonna be the loudest.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. Ctb really is so difficult after all, I know that I could never ctb by jumping. It sounds like a terrifying way to ctb. More than anything I wish that it was easier to leave this world. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[rationaltake]

Is another method a possibility?

 

[ornitier199]

Is another method a possibility?

Not that I know of that can get it done effectively.
I really don't to be alive anymore that I've resorted to an old method of staving and dehydrating. Just something anything.

 

[rationaltake]

Not that I know of that can get it done effectively.
I really don't to be alive anymore that I've resorted to an old method of staving and dehydrating. Just something anything.

I understand being desperate. But a failed attempt can make things worse.

Stopping eating and drinking is frequently mentioned on here. It's generally considered a bad method.

Maybe you've already looked at the suicide resources.

If only it was easier to end a life.

 

[ornitier199]

I understand being desperate. But a failed attempt can make things worse.

Stopping eating and drinking is frequently mentioned on here. It's generally considered a bad method.

Maybe you've already looked at the suicide resources.

If only it was easier to end a life.

True. I know. That's why I took a less question route.
at least until I can muster up the strength to get to that bridge. It's all the out in canyon city and I've grown so frail since. I've ben doing it for 5 days now. I did drink some water without even realizing it until ti was too late yesterday so I'm sure that alone rest the process.

I haven't looked at all the resources, I know one of the pdfs where massive.
Starving and dehydrating malnourishment is my only method here for the time being.
When it starts to show more obvious in my degrading body I'll get away from any possible interventions.

I've never been this thin before.

 

[rationaltake]

True. I know. That's why I took a less question route.
at least until I can muster up the strength to get to that bridge. It's all the out in canyon city and I've grown so frail since. I've ben doing it for 5 days now. I did drink some water without even realizing it until ti was too late yesterday so I'm sure that alone rest the process.

I haven't looked at all the resources, I know one of the pdfs where massive.
Starving and dehydrating malnourishment is my only method here for the time being.
When it starts to show more obvious in my degrading body I'll get away from any possible interventions.

I've never been this thin before.

I'm sorry. There are other methods. I know it seems daunting. You're probably too weak to even think. You'd have to drink and eat before you could research anything. It's hard to think of you suffering even more than you have.

 

[ornitier199]

You're probably too weak to even think. You'd have to drink and eat before you could research anything. It's hard to think of you suffering even more than you have.

No I'm not; I don't feel it. I can think, I've done my research before starting this and I know that I don't have access to other methods; a fact. This is for the time being, but I know the reality is I won't get any other method so this, albeit slow is my only chance. Remember, I have no one for intervention.
At 78 pounds, I don't look too different than I have before., I never was big, never really liked eating either.

I wish I could do my other method (jumping) but again getting there I can't make it, not even the bus gets close enough I can't make it. It's just too far, but surely would be my best method, since the gorge cliff is so deep it's instant death for me.
I'm not afraid of the jumping, never had a fear of heights, I just think of it like:



I don't want it to be messy but with no other choice or access to the peaceful N/SN, it's all I got.
From DEN to Canyon City it's 4 hrs by bus, down to ~4+ hours of walking.
Versus straight walking which is 40 hours.
I can't even go 2 hours without passing out. SO that method its out simple due to commute.

 

[rationaltake]

No I'm not; I don't feel it. I can think, I've done my research before starting this and I know that I don't have access to other methods; a fact. This is for the time being, but I know the reality is I won't get any other method so this, albeit slow is my only chance. Remember, I have no one for intervention.
At 78 pounds, I don't look too different than I have before., I never was big, never really liked eating either.

I wish I could do my other method (jumping) but again getting there I can't make it, not even the bus gets close enough I can't make it. It's just too far, but surely would be my best method, since the gorge cliff is so deep it's instant death for me.
I'm not afraid of the jumping, never had a fear of heights, I just think of it like:

View attachment 90166

I don't want it to be messy but with no other choice or access to the peaceful N/SN, it's all I got.
From DEN to Canyon City it's 4 hrs by bus, down to ~4+ hours of walking.
Versus straight walking which is 40 hours.
I can't even go 2 hours without passing out. SO that method its out simple due to commute.

Life is unfair even when it comes to ctb. Sorry you don't have the option of N or SN.

 

[ornitier199]

Life is unfair even when it comes to ctb. Sorry you don't have the option of N or SN.

I was say more unfortunate. I still have this method hear, just longer and maybe painful.
But I'm committed this time which I know is usually the barrier and leads to this method not working but since I've gone this, I don't plan on stopping.

With N/SN I think its just feels too fishy? for me to get into. (Deep down I'm still that scared, chicken legged bitch they said). Like for N/SN you need to keep a low profile to get it and that, almost like its an illegal substance of some sorts.

 

[rationaltake]

I was say more unfortunate. I still have this method hear, just longer and maybe painful.
But I'm committed this time which I know is usually the barrier and leads to this method not working but since I've gone this, I don't plan on stopping.

With N/SN I think its just feels too fishy? for me to get into. (Deep down I'm still that scared, chicken legged bitch they said). Like for N/SN you need to keep a low profile to get it and that, almost like its an illegal substance of some sorts.

I understand. You have to make your own decisions. It's hard to ctb. A lot of us on here have mentioned being scared. I wish it hadn't come to this for you.