I'm still here

[accepting.id]

I made this account in 2023. I talked about wanting to go through with my plan but I never did. But now I'm having a rough time just functioning.

I feel like I would need a release so I would have urges to self harm but I can't because it would hurt the people around me. I don't understand why people get mad. I want to. But I don't understand how people are allowed to destroy their bodies by drinking and smoking or throw away their lives by gambling. But it's wrong when I cut myself?

Maybe someone here has words of wisdom that could help me understand. Maybe even help quiet the urge. I'd love to know what helped you guys. Thank you :)

 

[owo]

you are strong

be happy of that

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Welcome back, and thanks for sharing so openly. Since it's relevant, my first solution is doing exactly what you just did - get the toxicity out in the open, and ask for help. You should be able to search through my posts if want specific examples of what happened to me, what I did about it, and how that turned out. I also will add that I browsed the forums looking for people who talked about having things I wanted, like peace, serenity, or even just an acceptance of myself, instead of the cynical self-loathing. I checked their other posts to see how they got there, to see if it might work for me. If they said they were open to messages, I started a conversation to get more help with feeling better.
I'm still very new here, and have already had two meltdowns/setbacks, but the people here keep reaching out, encouraging me and offering support.
I hope you can find a path to your idea of peace.

 

[junctionbox]

self-harm is such an incredibly complicated topic. my therapist often talks about how the feeling of worthlessness one must feel to injure themselves is what makes self-harm so worrying to her and other people who care. i remember being absolutely shocked that someone would want to cut themselves before i started doing it myself. but the thing is, it doesn't feel like i'm devaluing myself by cutting- it feels like release, sometimes like deserved punishment, other times i do it because i like the pain. i'm aware that some of these are not healthy thoughts.

anyone who knows even a little about the intricacies of self-harm isn't going to tell you to flat out stop or get angry at you for doing it, because that does. not. help. my friends who have experience with sh often feel like the safest people to confide in in the case of a relapse, or to simply have my scars uncovered and showing, because they're calm about it and they understand how it works.

i've come to think of self-harm as an addiction and now, after another relapse, i'm really just trying to minimize the harm i do when i do end up cutting. at the moment i'm not striving to quit, just trying to keep it from getting worse. but at the same time, i would never ever want anyone else to cut. you deserve to feel something entirely else than pain that leaves permanent marks on your body. liking pain is ok, but self-harm is not a safe way to go about that because it is so destructive. there are ways to feel a level of physical pain that are safe. but this is kinda the blind leading the blind because i too struggle to see anything wrong with self-harm. i think i'm getting there, however slow it might be...

one thing that helps for me is to think "do i want to be cutting in 5 years?" my answer is no, and that clarifies to me that self-harm is not a habit i truly like or want to keep, even when my brain is foggy from the dopamine and everything else that cutting brings.

i hope you feel better at some point because you deserve to feel good. <3