witchcraft
it's too painful to live but I'm too afraid to die
- Nov 27, 2024
- 166
(decided to put the tl;dr at the top) It's gg. Wageslavery makes me suicidal. Trying and failing to find new wage-enslavement makes me suicidal. My $60,000 "skillz" are not transferrable. I'm killing myself. I'm not putting any more fries in the bag or saying Welcome to Starbucks one more God damn time. Fuck off, you can't make me. I'm a burden on my mom because I can't find a job that doesn't make me want to jump in battery acid and light myself on fire. I'm ending it all. It's over and there is no way out and nobody helps anybody in this fucking hellscape of a society. The way that people respond to people in my position makes it very clear that I am supposed to kill myself, that that's what I should do. Maybe not the people on here, but the people literally anywhere and everywhere else. There is no sympathy. There is no empathy. There is no help. There are no solutions. They mock, they sneer, they ridicule, they take a hot steaming pile of a shit on you. Anything but a helping hand or a lifeline. Fuck this place and fuck this life.
I'm going mask off here and just want to conclude by saying: if you're really hot and looking for a house husband, let me know. I'll do anything at this point. I'll dress in a bear costume and dance on a fucking ball if you pay me. I'll dress like a maid. I don't give a fuck anymore, whatever.
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This is going to be long, sorry. Idk what to do anymore... maybe work at a library or something like that, but that's really competitive (like trying to get any job nowadays) and most positions require a specific degree to even be considered. I've recently searched online at the two dozen libraries within 45 minutes of me and there's no available positions even posted. Every time I think of a way out, I get cucked in this exact way. My hopes get instantaneously destroyed. I am being tortured by the universe.
Anyway, the context leading to my current situation is that I got scammed. How are you supposed to know you want to do something so badly for the rest of your damn life that you're willing to invest tens of thousands of dollars and years of your life at a university BEFORE even actually doing the job a single fucking time? The whole system is ass-backward. There has to be a better, simpler, easier way to learn the basics of almost anything that isn't life-or-death. Like, obviously being a doctor or lawyer should require an extensive amount of schooling and oversight because of the huge responsibility those people have. But to work as a mere teller at a bank? To organize books on shelves at a library? Really???
I actually have a degree in Secondary English Education, and it's nothing more than a useless ~$60,000 paperweight for anything other than literally only being a teacher. The whole "transferrable skills" thing appears to be a giant lie. Then people move the goalposts and say, well, you didn't work for long enough as a teacher. Correct, because it was horrible, I barely finished my internship. My supervisor was a horrible human being, one of my mentor teachers yelled at me twice (yes, yelled) for honest mistakes and accused me of not trying when I literally couldn't have been trying any harder. I barely graduated. I had a 3.8 GPA with honors and half a dozen scholarships and I barely survived the internship.
There's a sub-reddit called teachersintransition, iirc. Basically it's people in my predicament. Except 99% of them are not. Most of them taught in schools for many years. Some of them have master's degrees. Most of them are from a different time, a whole ass different generation with connections I do not possess. Most of them are still actively working, not actively a NEET for 3+ years like me. In the past I tried posting for help there, and people were thankfully sympathetic, but none of the advice helped me. Because every time I sought out the careers they recommend to transition into, those positions always require their own separate degree, or 4-5 years of past work experience. FOR AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION.
ENTRY. You can't even get your foot in the door because you can't even knock on the God damn door, nobody will answer, you will be ignored unless you're shoving the degree+experience into the doorbell camera / peephole. They say apply anyway! I did. Still here in mom's basement. Thanks.
My thinking back in 2019 in my early 20s was, "I don't know what I want to do with my life. That is an absurd thing to try and know. I think about it and I think about it, I think really hard, and no answer comes. No answer at all. But I kind of like helping people (one on one)... I'm good at English and I like language, reading... I guess it makes sense. But if it turns out I don't like it, surely it would be worth SOMETHING to someone."
No. I am worth nothing to nobody, and should off myself. If you're not a unicorn that we can lowball like the scum we are, then fuck off and die—the motto of every employer. I'd rather have my body put in a bag than go back to putting fries in the bag. I've served my prison sentence in customer service multiple times, totaling to several years including the years I was also going to university full-time. AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry but no thanks.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Nobody can help me. I guess I just needed to vent I guess, I don't have any other expectation.
If you really want to know why I hated teaching so much, it actually had very little to do with the kids. The job just fucking blows. I got a firsthand understanding of how fucked the American educational system is. Every day is a giant disservice. It's glorified babysitting with a whole load of extra work and stress and expectations that cannot be met. And the attitude behind it all is that it's a "Noble Profession." That's how they justify the overwork and underpay. That's how they justify the Sisyphean uphill battle. And I even did my internship at a wealthy school. It doesn't matter where you go, the problems are the same, just in varying severity.
You don't work 40 hours. You work 40 hours, and then you grade papers for another 10 (at least), you commute another 5, you stay late for meetings, you go in on the days when students get to stay home because you have to redesign the school district's English curriculum with teachers from all the schools, you have to make daily phone calls, plan lessons for the next day + rest of the week + next week, send emails, file paperwork, and partake in extracurriculars for the kids. It is an 80 hour a week job, and you get paid for half of it. I don't give a fuck about the summers off. Pay me a million dollars a year or forget about it.
I want nothing to do with teaching anymore. Nothing. I don't want to teach adults, I don't want to teach in a workplace. I'm over it. I am traumatized by it. I hate it. All the bureaucratic busywork and busybodies. I'm done. I'd rather put books back on a shelf, check their books at the checkout, check their library card, and answer the question "Do you have x book here?" 1000 times.
I'm going mask off here and just want to conclude by saying: if you're really hot and looking for a house husband, let me know. I'll do anything at this point. I'll dress in a bear costume and dance on a fucking ball if you pay me. I'll dress like a maid. I don't give a fuck anymore, whatever.
------
This is going to be long, sorry. Idk what to do anymore... maybe work at a library or something like that, but that's really competitive (like trying to get any job nowadays) and most positions require a specific degree to even be considered. I've recently searched online at the two dozen libraries within 45 minutes of me and there's no available positions even posted. Every time I think of a way out, I get cucked in this exact way. My hopes get instantaneously destroyed. I am being tortured by the universe.
Anyway, the context leading to my current situation is that I got scammed. How are you supposed to know you want to do something so badly for the rest of your damn life that you're willing to invest tens of thousands of dollars and years of your life at a university BEFORE even actually doing the job a single fucking time? The whole system is ass-backward. There has to be a better, simpler, easier way to learn the basics of almost anything that isn't life-or-death. Like, obviously being a doctor or lawyer should require an extensive amount of schooling and oversight because of the huge responsibility those people have. But to work as a mere teller at a bank? To organize books on shelves at a library? Really???
I actually have a degree in Secondary English Education, and it's nothing more than a useless ~$60,000 paperweight for anything other than literally only being a teacher. The whole "transferrable skills" thing appears to be a giant lie. Then people move the goalposts and say, well, you didn't work for long enough as a teacher. Correct, because it was horrible, I barely finished my internship. My supervisor was a horrible human being, one of my mentor teachers yelled at me twice (yes, yelled) for honest mistakes and accused me of not trying when I literally couldn't have been trying any harder. I barely graduated. I had a 3.8 GPA with honors and half a dozen scholarships and I barely survived the internship.
There's a sub-reddit called teachersintransition, iirc. Basically it's people in my predicament. Except 99% of them are not. Most of them taught in schools for many years. Some of them have master's degrees. Most of them are from a different time, a whole ass different generation with connections I do not possess. Most of them are still actively working, not actively a NEET for 3+ years like me. In the past I tried posting for help there, and people were thankfully sympathetic, but none of the advice helped me. Because every time I sought out the careers they recommend to transition into, those positions always require their own separate degree, or 4-5 years of past work experience. FOR AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION.
ENTRY. You can't even get your foot in the door because you can't even knock on the God damn door, nobody will answer, you will be ignored unless you're shoving the degree+experience into the doorbell camera / peephole. They say apply anyway! I did. Still here in mom's basement. Thanks.
My thinking back in 2019 in my early 20s was, "I don't know what I want to do with my life. That is an absurd thing to try and know. I think about it and I think about it, I think really hard, and no answer comes. No answer at all. But I kind of like helping people (one on one)... I'm good at English and I like language, reading... I guess it makes sense. But if it turns out I don't like it, surely it would be worth SOMETHING to someone."
No. I am worth nothing to nobody, and should off myself. If you're not a unicorn that we can lowball like the scum we are, then fuck off and die—the motto of every employer. I'd rather have my body put in a bag than go back to putting fries in the bag. I've served my prison sentence in customer service multiple times, totaling to several years including the years I was also going to university full-time. AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry but no thanks.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Nobody can help me. I guess I just needed to vent I guess, I don't have any other expectation.
If you really want to know why I hated teaching so much, it actually had very little to do with the kids. The job just fucking blows. I got a firsthand understanding of how fucked the American educational system is. Every day is a giant disservice. It's glorified babysitting with a whole load of extra work and stress and expectations that cannot be met. And the attitude behind it all is that it's a "Noble Profession." That's how they justify the overwork and underpay. That's how they justify the Sisyphean uphill battle. And I even did my internship at a wealthy school. It doesn't matter where you go, the problems are the same, just in varying severity.
You don't work 40 hours. You work 40 hours, and then you grade papers for another 10 (at least), you commute another 5, you stay late for meetings, you go in on the days when students get to stay home because you have to redesign the school district's English curriculum with teachers from all the schools, you have to make daily phone calls, plan lessons for the next day + rest of the week + next week, send emails, file paperwork, and partake in extracurriculars for the kids. It is an 80 hour a week job, and you get paid for half of it. I don't give a fuck about the summers off. Pay me a million dollars a year or forget about it.
I want nothing to do with teaching anymore. Nothing. I don't want to teach adults, I don't want to teach in a workplace. I'm over it. I am traumatized by it. I hate it. All the bureaucratic busywork and busybodies. I'm done. I'd rather put books back on a shelf, check their books at the checkout, check their library card, and answer the question "Do you have x book here?" 1000 times.
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