I am so tired of everyone trying to keep me up in this horrible nightmare. I have never wanted to die more than ever, I have been forced through the psych ward, and I had to deal with being imprisoned there for 2 weeks. I had nothing there, and I feel I have nothing left out here now. I just don't understand why I have to exist. I just want to die so badly, and I have been making plans to ctb, but I'm afraid I'm going to be imprisoned again if I start any of the steps I need to ctb. Life is just so cruel, it doesn't make any sense, just WHY I can't understand why things are the way they are. Why prolong existence when its gonna end one day anyways? Just why? Nothing makes any sense anymore, I just can't take this any longer.
I just got off the phone with my 18 year old daughter and I ended up irritated at the end. I was trying to explain to her that everything I did for her growing up was to make her ready for adulthood to come. Everything from cooking, carpentry, a good work ethic, and even taking care of your mental health.
I struggled teaching the mental health part because she didn't see the importance of it. Like writing 5-10 things she was thankful for and journaling. After a few months of doing it she started to lie to me saying she was doing it. I would check her work for the first month to make sure she understood what she was doing. I told her that I wouldn't mess with her journal because it was personal and I wanted her to have a safe place to put her thoughts. Today I told her it was for her not me. That she has to live with lying to someone that loves and helps her. Another problem was her mom and I had been split up for awhile and she had to fly from one to the other every summer. The rest was maybe a phone call.
She said she stopped other things last year about school because she was just done with it all. I explained to her that sometimes she doesn't get a choice in life. That when I was in the military I caught hep c from donating blood and had to do a treatment comparable to cancer treatment. I had no choice. I didn't have the option give up. Atleast not until now…
I told her I had to take 6 pills a day and an injection I gave myself each week. I was so sick and so weak the entire time for a year. I told her I just want to prepare her for almost anything. That I pray that she doesn't have to go through even one of the many things I did. I said those things I taught her for mental health were for her own strength not mine. I want to help my baby girl to be strong when this life does what it does.
For me though I didn't have a parent looking out for me and my dad passed when I was 6. I caught multiple cases of ptsd, high anxiety, social anxiety, depression, even neuropathy in my extremities from the hep c treatment, and a blown disc in my lower back.
I feel like I'm being punished for something I don't know I did. This year was no different and I sit home alone, as usual, with panic attacks now because of an injury that was caused by a supervisor at my job in the prison. Unemployed and about to be sewed for fraud that I didn't commit from the company that was taking care of my medical stuff for the injury.
I feel horrible leaving her and my beautiful dogs, but I can't take this punishment anymore. 40+ years old and I am finally letting them win. It's about to get worse next month also so either I experience that next trauma or I say goodbye. I am scared of people and really bitter that I can't seem to change it.
Whatever you choose I hope you find your peace. Some people just lose their hope and will to live. Not believing "it will get better" anymore. Like that phrase is now a lie.
