Help i'm so sick of this mind that i inhabit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[callousedhope]

i fr hate this. i am in my mid-twenties and have done so many things to further and better myself, i have chased opportunities and experiences with all of my heart and eventually, i always stall and break down. any amount of lasting pressure between days always blows me up. it's been this way for as long as i can remember. i procrastinate, and then i just can't help but feel upset at my inability to show up for myself and i just sob while intense flashes of SH and SI just beat into my skull. every effort has ended in failure. i don't want to hurt myself, i don't want to ctb, but i'm so so so so so so so so so soooooo unbelievably sick and exhausted of the way that i naturally handle my responsibilities and emotions, despite years of concentrated effort. how am i supposed to go further into adulthood? I want to succeed, i want to have a career, i want to leave a positive impact on people, but how can i do that when i have an involuntary total mental breakdown every other week?

i dont want to feel this way anymore. i dont want to fantasize about this leaving this world behind anymore, but i just don't know what else to do at this point. i so want to be alive but how can i be when i subject myself to this suffering day in and day out? i feel so much fear for myself.