I'm so scared

[nonamegirl]

It seems every option of cbt involves risk of pain, and just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N :´(

I can't stand this. This utter devastating feeling of being TRAPPED!! I swear it's the WORST feeling in the world. The feeling of being trapped and that all you seeing in your future is eternal suffering. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and never stop. FUCK this Hellhole they call earth and life! FUCK my parents for putting me into this world!! FUCK society for their pathetic excuse of "help". FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!


(hope I'm not violating any rules but I'm so angry and devastated right now.)

I'm not ready to go yet, or I don't think I am, but I NEED to have an exit available and one that it reliable, quick and not too painful. I CAN'T deal with my issues if I don't have this comfort blanket!!

 

[SinisterKid]

Venting is all part of the service, so welcome to SS and vent away.

CO & SN probably offer the most "pain free" methods other than N of course. SN is my chosen method with CO a very close second. I know a lot about CO from my previous employment, so it makes sense that I go with something like that. Its not for everyone, but its right for me. Hopefully, if you look through the resources section, you might find something of interest.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I can hear what you are saying and feeling, please dont feel scared. I have not yet come up with a way to go which I feel confident in and that could be foolproof or pain free. That trapped feeling really is a hard one to get through, every second is torture. I wonder if would help to have a think or research some other methods awhile to try and get your mind in some sort of perspective. it wont stop how you are feeling, course not, but might assist in the minute by minute anguish if you are doing something to inform you and also get through this. I know yesterday was so low and kept thinking of this, that and other and nearly went mad. I then thought put the energy into something which might be useful, so did some research. Its not changed my situation but for the time it was a help.

 

[Grandexit]

Never apologize for venting (unless you're directing it at a specific person). That's what we're all here for, is to listen and have a safe place to talk about subjects surrounding the very undersatandable frustrations of life, and some of the many choices available to us. I'm sorry that you're hurting so bad.

 

[Yaalya]

Venting is all part of the service, so welcome to SS and vent away.

CO & SN probably offer the most "pain free" methods other than N of course. SN is my chosen method with CO a very close second. I know a lot about CO from my previous employment, so it makes sense that I go with something like that. Its not for everyone, but its right for me. Hopefully, if you look through the resources section, you might find something of interest.

you speak about charcoal CO right?

 

[nonamegirl]

Wow, so many nice people here. Thank you all

Venting is all part of the service, so welcome to SS and vent away.

CO & SN probably offer the most "pain free" methods other than N of course. SN is my chosen method with CO a very close second. I know a lot about CO from my previous employment, so it makes sense that I go with something like that. Its not for everyone, but its right for me. Hopefully, if you look through the resources section, you might find something of interest.

Is CO carbon monoxide poisining? I settled on this a few years back, but then I read of several cases of people failing this and waking up with the worst imaginable headache, so that's another one crossed of the list :(

I can hear what you are saying and feeling, please dont feel scared. I have not yet come up with a way to go which I feel confident in and that could be foolproof or pain free. That trapped feeling really is a hard one to get through, every second is torture. I wonder if would help to have a think or research some other methods awhile to try and get your mind in some sort of perspective. it wont stop how you are feeling, course not, but might assist in the minute by minute anguish if you are doing something to inform you and also get through this. I know yesterday was so low and kept thinking of this, that and other and nearly went mad. I then thought put the energy into something which might be useful, so did some research. Its not changed my situation but for the time it was a help.

I don't wish this trapped feeling on anybody, but it is still a small comfort to know that somebody out there can relate. I also do the same as you and read up on methods when this trapped feeling is really tearing at me, but mostly I just end up more disappointed as I do not find what I am looking for.......something that's available, relatively painless, fast and reliable.

 

[EmptyArms]

Hello and welcome. Now that you're here, and I think you are probably in the right place, you can just take a breath and know that you are surrounded by folk who have been or who still are right where you are. I wonder if you will feel less trapped just by being able to vent and to talk to people who can relate to your experience. You will find alot of support and genuine care.

 

[nonamegirl]

Hello and welcome. Now that you're here, and I think you are probably in the right place, you can just take a breath and know that you are surrounded by folk who have been or who still are right where you are. I wonder if you will feel less trapped just by being able to vent and to talk to people who can relate to your experience. You will find alot of support and genuine care.

Thank you. I hope so. I feel this will help, even if just very litte. But very little is better then nothing.

 

[EmptyArms]

Thank you. I hope so. I feel this will help, even if just very litte. But very little is better then nothing.

It really is. Just keep talking. Keep venting. There's no vent limit. The more you need the more you will get.

 

[realjunes]

It seems every option of cbt involves risk of pain, and just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N :´(

I can't stand this. This utter devastating feeling of being TRAPPED!! I swear it's the WORST feeling in the world. The feeling of being trapped and that all you seeing in your future is eternal suffering. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and never stop. FUCK this Hellhole they call earth and life! FUCK my parents for putting me into this world!! FUCK society for their pathetic excuse of "help". FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!


(hope I'm not violating any rules but I'm so angry and devastated right now.)

I'm not ready to go yet, or I don't think I am, but I NEED to have an exit available and one that it reliable, quick and not too painful. I CAN'T deal with my issues if I don't have this comfort blanket!!

Can you say where you "just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N"? Thanks

 

[nonamegirl]

It's so hard putting on a fake smile each and everyday. It's tearing at my soul, and I am getting more and more angry at everybody, for not seeing me......the real me, SEE my pain. I feel that at some point I am gonna loose my shit completely and then what? Then I'll get put in the psych ward and they'll dope me up some more and call it a day, and pat themselves on the shoulders for providing what they think is a succesful treatment, all the whilst I'm still suffering and now with even more side effects then before.

Can you say where you "just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N"? Thanks

Sure, it's right here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/getting-n-from-a-things-everyone-should-know.28438/

People only get 1 bottle, bottles that are not full ect.

 

[Sensei]

I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and never stop.

Then do. You will hardly feel worse, but you might very well feel better.

I'm not ready to go yet, or I don't think I am, but I NEED to have an exit available and one that it reliable, quick and not too painful. I CAN'T deal with my issues if I don't have this comfort blanket!!

I know the feeling. For me, it became easier to cope once I found my method and acquired everything needed for leaving. I like to liken it to being inside a burning building. If you know that there's at least one exit which isn't blocked, it's easier to stay calm and rational.

 

[lymbo]

It seems every option of cbt involves risk of pain, and just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N :´(

I can't stand this. This utter devastating feeling of being TRAPPED!! I swear it's the WORST feeling in the world. The feeling of being trapped and that all you seeing in your future is eternal suffering. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and never stop. FUCK this Hellhole they call earth and life! FUCK my parents for putting me into this world!! FUCK society for their pathetic excuse of "help". FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!


(hope I'm not violating any rules but I'm so angry and devastated right now.)

I'm not ready to go yet, or I don't think I am, but I NEED to have an exit available and one that it reliable, quick and not too painful. I CAN'T deal with my issues if I don't have this comfort blanket!!

can you share what troubles bother you?

 

[LittleJem]

I think Fentanyl is pain free. And maybe GHB is pain free.

 

[nonamegirl]

Then do. You will hardly feel worse, but you might very well feel better.



I know the feeling. For me, it became easier to cope once I found my method and acquired everything needed for leaving. I like to liken it to being inside a burning building. If you know that there's at least one exit which isn't blocked, it's easier to stay calm and rational.

The thing is......I can't......I have fairly bad hyperacusis (and tinnitus) which means I get pains in my ears from even low/moderate sounds, so screaming would cause horrible pain in my ears and possibly worsen my condition and my tinnitus :/

Exactly. Knowing there is an exit brings comfort in some weird way. As of now I can't find an exit anywhere

can you share what troubles bother you?

Oh boy, it's a long list:

Tinnitus
Hyperacusis that causes pains in my ears from many every day sounds
Horrible anxiety
Bad depression
Physical agony including back problems (probably due to depression, and anxiety)
Eye floaters (grey mess swirling all over my vision)
That I got virtually no support or real love from anybody IRL
That I have never had a boyfriend and never will have anything resembling a love life
Loneliness
No hobbies or anything that brings me joy (tied to depression of course)
A bad childhood and bad school years.
How my life has amounted to nothing

I think I could go on, but I'll leave it at that.

I think Fentanyl is pain free. And maybe GHB is pain free.

I thank you for the suggestion, but those are virtually impossible to get.

 

[Sensei]

I thank you for the suggestion, but those are virtually impossible to get.

There's also GBL and 2M2B.

 

[Mizzmini45]

The thing is......I can't......I have fairly bad hyperacusis (and tinnitus) which means I get pains in my ears from even low/moderate sounds, so screaming would cause horrible pain in my ears and possibly worsen my condition and my tinnitus :/

Exactly. Knowing there is an exit brings comfort in some weird way. As of now I can't find an exit anywhere


Oh boy, it's a long list:

Tinnitus
Hyperacusis that causes pains in my ears from many every day sounds
Horrible anxiety
Bad depression
Physical agony including back problems (probably due to depression, and anxiety)
Eye floaters (grey mess swirling all over my vision)
That I got virtually no support or real love from anybody IRL
That I have never had a boyfriend and never will have anything resembling a love life
Loneliness
No hobbies or anything that brings me joy (tied to depression of course)
A bad childhood and bad school years.
How my life has amounted to nothing

I think I could go on, but I'll leave it at that.


I thank you for the suggestion, but those are virtually impossible to get.

Girl I feel you. That's all imma say

 

[S1mpleme]

Don't get me wrong, I understand you're in panic, but let me tell you something. I had so much pain in my life and I thought there is no plan B or any exit. Then I just said to myself: " I want to see what else this life prepared for me". I just wanted to see how worse it could be, if I'm already on the bottom of the shit, then there is only way up.

 

[MysticPerception]

Oh boy that is exactly how I felt two years ago. Absolutely trapped and not finding a single option online that was painless at the time. I ended up deluding myself into thinking I could crash a car into some tree or building at night and just die in the crash. That obviously didn't pan out and is not a good idea. I feel infinitely calmer finally having a method with SN. I suggest you look into it if you haven't already. It's no N but it's the closest thing and should be relatively painful beyond possibly throwing up. If that's still no good at least know that like others have said you can vent all you want and there are plenty of people who are willing to speak privately with you if that's what suits you more.

 

[sleepy dog]

It seems every option of cbt involves risk of pain, and just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N :´(

I can't stand this. This utter devastating feeling of being TRAPPED!! I swear it's the WORST feeling in the world. The feeling of being trapped and that all you seeing in your future is eternal suffering. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and never stop. FUCK this Hellhole they call earth and life! FUCK my parents for putting me into this world!! FUCK society for their pathetic excuse of "help". FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!


(hope I'm not violating any rules but I'm so angry and devastated right now.)

I'm not ready to go yet, or I don't think I am, but I NEED to have an exit available and one that it reliable, quick and not too painful. I CAN'T deal with my issues if I don't have this comfort blanket!!

I see you are suffering. I don't want you to. I hope you can find some type of coping skill or peaceful, comfortable thing in your life.

I have researched for over a year. It is just now seeming that no new info is erasing what I had already learned. So I am more sure about my methods.

Please be careful with reading things on this website, and other places on the internet. It is too easy to type into a box and press enter. That doesn't mean what is typed is truth. Many members on SS have their agendas. So they type into the box and press enter. Some are anti suicide. Some are religious. Some are trying to sell so they discredit competition. There are many things happening on this site.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Welcome to the forum

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

You are among friends here. I can certainly relate to that fear of being trapped in a life that has become unmanageable.

I, too, am shopping for a method I can keep in my "back pocket" for when I need it. My previous method of choice can't be used now. If anyone saw the required items come into the house, they'd know immediately.

Remember to breathe deeply when you can. Deep breathing can stop a panic attack in its track, end fight-or-flight responses, and can give your mind a second to clear.

Be gentle with yourself. All the information you need is here somewhere. This is a place of great support and information and you are not alone. You may find, as I did, that just being here helps relieves some of the pressure.

 

[nonamegirl]

I've been at rock bottom a loooooong time now, and it seems their is no way out. I done the therapy and whatnot and it's not catching on and making a difference :(

 

[Pan]

It seems every option of cbt involves risk of pain, and just read that A is no longer reliable in obtaining N :´(

I can't stand this. This utter devastating feeling of being TRAPPED!! I swear it's the WORST feeling in the world. The feeling of being trapped and that all you seeing in your future is eternal suffering. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and never stop. FUCK this Hellhole they call earth and life! FUCK my parents for putting me into this world!! FUCK society for their pathetic excuse of "help". FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!


(hope I'm not violating any rules but I'm so angry and devastated right now.)

I'm not ready to go yet, or I don't think I am, but I NEED to have an exit available and one that it reliable, quick and not too painful. I CAN'T deal with my issues if I don't have this comfort blanket!!

What we all need is the right to make our own choices to exit this life as we wish. In my best of all possible worlds, Nembutal would be readily available to any who wish it. You.are not a coward either; fearing pain through ctb is to be expected. One should be able to drift off to sleep quietly and without issue.

 

[freaky3600]

That really sucks. I've heard some horror stories about tinnitus. Sorry you're suffering through all of that stuff.