DarkWolf
Worthless Loser
- Mar 29, 2021
- 201
I was diagnosed with selective mutism(nothing else probably should have was clearly not normal) when I was a child. I never really got any help for it. Everyone thought I'd grow out of it but I didn't. I learnt to force myself to speak although its not always possible but the fear never really left.
I often say I have social anxiety but I'm not so sure. I don't feel comfortable around anyone even people who are nice or I have known a long time. Everyone just feels threatening no matter who they are. Once a threat always a threat. I just want people go away.
I live in a shared house and I pretty much never leave my room. I won't even be in the kitchen because I find being near other people so uncomfortable. I just eat ready to go food so I don't have to cook anything.
I almost feel a bit like a feral animal on the inside.
I went to a healing session (I know lol) yesterday and it was awful. I was literally frozen in fear and was shutting down. I often freeze and dissociate. She thought me shutting down was me relaxing.......
Its like a form of torture
It's because I can't stand anyone that close to me. I really am in a different realm to your average person. I tried to say I don't want to come back but I can't say no cos I'm such a dog.
I hate it when people tell me face the fear or get out of my comfort zone. Yeah I do that everyday. I strive to do that. Everytime I have to go outside or use the phone or go to work. They don't understand. I am broken. I think I appear a lot more higher functioning than I am. Truth is I'm really suffering it's just that I'm really good at hiding it and repressing myself because I have to. I have to stand on my own two feet I always have.
I had someone tell me a couple of weeks ago I'm quite hard to read. I dunno.
It is no quality of life. I hate this world.
I hope I can die soon. I hope an afterlife doesn't exist. I'm tired of being afraid and im tired of being tired.
I feel like a little lamb in a world of lions where everyone speaks a different language to me and I have to fake it so I don't get eaten alive.
There is no point to this thread. I just felt like putting it out there. I don't I think I have much longer left.
I often say I have social anxiety but I'm not so sure. I don't feel comfortable around anyone even people who are nice or I have known a long time. Everyone just feels threatening no matter who they are. Once a threat always a threat. I just want people go away.
I live in a shared house and I pretty much never leave my room. I won't even be in the kitchen because I find being near other people so uncomfortable. I just eat ready to go food so I don't have to cook anything.
I almost feel a bit like a feral animal on the inside.
I went to a healing session (I know lol) yesterday and it was awful. I was literally frozen in fear and was shutting down. I often freeze and dissociate. She thought me shutting down was me relaxing.......
Its like a form of torture
It's because I can't stand anyone that close to me. I really am in a different realm to your average person. I tried to say I don't want to come back but I can't say no cos I'm such a dog.
I hate it when people tell me face the fear or get out of my comfort zone. Yeah I do that everyday. I strive to do that. Everytime I have to go outside or use the phone or go to work. They don't understand. I am broken. I think I appear a lot more higher functioning than I am. Truth is I'm really suffering it's just that I'm really good at hiding it and repressing myself because I have to. I have to stand on my own two feet I always have.
I had someone tell me a couple of weeks ago I'm quite hard to read. I dunno.
It is no quality of life. I hate this world.
I hope I can die soon. I hope an afterlife doesn't exist. I'm tired of being afraid and im tired of being tired.
I feel like a little lamb in a world of lions where everyone speaks a different language to me and I have to fake it so I don't get eaten alive.
There is no point to this thread. I just felt like putting it out there. I don't I think I have much longer left.