Help I’m So Scared I’m Going to CTB

[hailspark]

I've recently realized I don't want to die. But I'm going to do it and thats what scares me.
A few days ago I was so sure, I finished a letter (not a kind one, one where I told the people that made me this way how much I wanted to die because of how much they've fucked me up).

Today for the first time in years I was happy, and I am really scared by the idea that if I had gone through with it I wouldn't have had today. And I actually think those people might have cared, they would have been devastated. I feel so guilty, because I know it will come back no matter how badly I don't want it too.

It's easy for me to do, I have supplies and if the feeling comes back I know I'll do it. I really don't know what to do because I could be dead in a week and I don't want to die. I don't know when it will come back but I completely lose control, I see nothing but pain and I can't see that any of the good I had just experienced was good.

I can't explain it but I don't know what to do. If anyone has any tips or ideas because I'm really afraid, right now I'm actually happy and I know good things will come but if one bad thing triggers me I will ruin everything because I convince myself none of it was real.

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

My only bit of advice would be to focus on, and remember the happiness you feel/felt today. Guaranteed it's going to happen again, and maybe more often. There may even come a day in the not-too-distant-future, when the happiness will outweigh the pain. I can tell you from experience, you really don't want to miss out on that!

I had a lot of good years up until recently, and even just the memory of those years makes me want to hang in there. If there is even a chance of more good ones in the future, then I'm gonna keep on truckin'!

I really hope you do the same, and find the peace and happiness that we all deserve!

 

[Dot]

If ur deepr convictn = tht u d/ nt wn2 di thn wld sggest throwng awy ur mterials tht u wld us fr an implsve ctb

= gts 2 a stge whre u nd t/ protct urslf frm urslf

U cld also also mke a crsis pln s/ tht u hve pre-detrmnd stps t/ follw whn u recgnise thse feelngs comng bck

D/ u hve n.e1 wh/ u cld contct fr spport

Thre = lnk t/ crsis pln b-low

Dropbox

www.dropbox.com

 

[orpheus_]

I feel ya. Not a long time ago I decided I will actually try to live, and got determined to try to recover, but on every slightly bad day the will to do it comes back. Sometimes on the "good" days, when I have some small glimpses hope for the future, I'm just terribly scared that tomorrow I will have a breakdown and just jump under the train, and ruin it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to end my life by my own hand, which is funny since I don't really believe in things such as "destiny".

Get rid of means to off yourself, that is my advice (that I still haven't followed through with myself lol). Maybe have someone in your life who you can call/message/visit when you're on that last bit of sanity, just when things are starting to get bad again, but you're still rational enough to be trying to save yourself. Though I know that not everyone has the privilege of having supportive people in their lives, so it's not that easy. But if you do have someone - don't hestitate to reach out to them.

Keep things that remind you of good memories. Items. Photos. Just anything that will "ground you" when things are bad, something that will remind you of the good moments. Sometimes when I felt terrible I looked at old pictures from my travels, and it made me feel better, a bit, you know, just knowing that there were these moments that made me happy, and they can happen again. Maybe you have some comfort songs/games/movies, any media that reminds you of good memories? That might help too, I guess.

I recently saw this video with more tips, some of which you might find helpful:
"How To Stay On Earth, When You Really Want To Leave..." by Of Herbs And Altars

Wishing you all the best. If you do want to live, even sometimes, there's hope, and if you felt happiness - that means it can happen again. Sending hugs!