Venting I'm so out of it

[maplebar]

The whole day has been weird, all the days are for me but today stood out. My head felt so empty, I hardly thought of anything. Somedays I know I should feel sad, but I really can't. I never really express much, nothing's going through my head. I don't even know how to word it, I just can't feel anything. I wish I did, people point out often how neutral I am, or how I am like a robot. Do people ever say that to any of you guys? It is probably true, and maybe I should feel bad about what they say, but I can't. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I think this is what Baumeister calls "cognitive deconstruction." You just focus on the present and eschew abstract thought. I'm there now. I'm procrastinating my day away, again, scrolling and watching TV, unmotivated. But I can report that I'm not in much pain. It is a relief from what I've been feeling lately.

I don't have a way to end my life right now, at least not one I can pull off. FSH is available but I keep backing out. Abstractly, cutting myself with a razor is here too but the odds of me getting to my carotid are about zero. Heck, that's like counting siphoning gas and immolating myself as a method, it's not.

I think about suicide constantly and all it does is numb me and waste time.