Venting I’m so lost I want advice

[songsongsong]

I know this is a little vent about myself but I also want to know if there are others out here that feel the same way I do

Sometimes my thoughts all cloud together into an incomprehensible mix and I just don't think at all. I don't know if it's from the years of insecurities and anxiety I've felt but I have always felt like a shell of myself. It's like I'm on autopilot everyday with nothing else going on inside of my brain. Even typing this on my phone right now seems so difficult to me, it's like I have little to no real comprehension or critical thinking skills. I find it hard to reply to others around me if they say something I don't know the answer to. I always feel like I need to know the exact words to say to someone about any topic, like as if life is a game I need to know the choices to. (If that makes sense)

Throughout the past few years of my life, I have slowly started to lose myself. I used to be involved in so many extracurriculars and hobbies, and was loud about it, but whenever I try to reattempt them they always end up failing. I haven't felt the same true spark of interest I used to in the past few months. Everything I do now is simply just to occupy me against the gut feeling of dread, and I don't really find a joy in anything anymore.

I always try to convince myself that I'm just young and that I'll eventually find myself a way out of this, but I'm honestly just telling myself this lie to make me feel better. It kinda sucks because I somehow feel like I know and don't know what's wrong with me. I know that what Ive been feeling for the past few years isn't normal, but I really don't know what it is. Again, I haven't exactly had proper, clear thoughts in my brain to actually think about it so I just don't know. It's like all the stress I've had have just been pushed aside in the back of my head constantly picking at me while I do everything I can to move on and focus on my studies, social life, etc, which has made time feel unreal. It also sucks how I have a great support system with friends and family yet I can't bring myself to ever tell anyone I know about my real life cause of my mental conflicts. I know I probably shouldn't just admit this on the internet but as I start getting closer to college applications my feeling of guilt and self-hatred has gotten stronger and stronger for the amount of time I've spent doing nothing in my life but procrastinating my inner emotions and issues.

This is honestly all I have to say but I do have a small hope that this feeling of mine is really just something I will be able to get over as I become older. I see everyone around me but myself actually improving so it really is probably my fault that I'm so behind the curve. :(

 

[dragonofenvy]

You're not alone in this. You've described a similar experience to what I've had. I'm curious, what's making you feel guilty about your college applications? Is it shame about you procrastinating?

I've spent doing nothing in my life but procrastinating my inner emotions and issues.

Everyone does this. Especially young people. We don't have very good time management skills. They develop later. When I was in my teens I'd wait till the last possible minute to solve my problems. Whether that was taxes, a school project, or some kind of emotional confrontation. Now I just sort of... do it. I wish I could tell you how, but I think when you get older something clicks. Maybe it's some kind of experience you get. I'm not saying this to justify to you that you should keep putting everything off (you definitely shouldn't).

I see everyone around me but myself actually improving so it really is probably my fault that I'm so behind the curve. :(

Maybe, but it could also just be different speeds of development. I've known people who were total degens who did nothing but game all day suddenly turn things around. Again, I don't know how they did and I wish I could tell you, but I am still suspecting that you need to have that one moment where you decide that you've finally had enough and decide to start kicking things into gear. I was there too. I did nothing other than play video games rent free in my parent's home. Now I've moved out and got a job. Everyone has that moment.

Sometimes my thoughts all cloud together into an incomprehensible mix and I just don't think at all. I don't know if it's from the years of insecurities and anxiety I've felt but I have always felt like a shell of myself. It's like I'm on autopilot everyday with nothing else going on inside of my brain. Even typing this on my phone right now seems so difficult to me, it's like I have little to no real comprehension or critical thinking skills. I find it hard to reply to others around me if they say something I don't know the answer to. I always feel like I need to know the exact words to say to someone about any topic, like as if life is a game I need to know the choices to. (If that makes sense)

I relate to this every day. I'm trying to work on it but don't have a solution. For me though, it's odd. My thoughts are well-formed and dare I say intelligent, but when it's time to convey them I just draw blank and it comes out as a garbled mess. Or maybe I start thinking about something, and when I try to think deeper about it, it just fades away to nothing and no matter how much I chase it I can't get it back. Then I just sit around blankly for the rest of the day.

feel like I need to know the exact words to say to someone about any topic, like as if life is a game I need to know the choices to. (If that makes sense)

I feel this way too, mostly in social interactions. All I can say is that you won't know the right choices, but failure to make a choice is often the incorrect one. I've fucked up my life because I decided to not make important choices. I was stuck in analysis paralysis and never went anywhere. To this day I'm still trying to figure out how to fix those mistakes.

I hope I at least helped you feel less alone. What you're feeling is terrible, and I'm sorry that you're going through it. But I also think that you have the time, willpower, and ability to turn things around. You are, after all, taking the first steps in doing so by reaching out to people.

If you have any questions, I can try to help as best I can.