Venting I'm so fucking tired

[feder]

I'm so tired of the people around me. Tired of waking up and wanting to ctb. Tired of my mood going from content to suicidal in the span of 1 hour.
Tired of feeling better and spiraling right back to SI.

While reading posts on here a part of me feels guilty for being suicidal I have it so much better thank some people on here and I still feel like shit 95% of the time.

I'm having a holiday in 2 weeks and simultaneously moving out from my partents house, thank god for that cuz they are definitely making me feel worse. I don't feel happy about it though if anything I feel empty.

Cutting myself every time I feel bad is not helping anymore. Matter of fact nothing is. I don't know what's wrong with me honestly. Why are my parents fine and functional, but me and my brother are just suicidal pieces of shit. Why can't I be normal for fucks sake.

P.S. Thank you all for reading this I really appreciate it.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm so tired of the people around me. Tired of waking up and wanting to ctb. Tired of my mood going from content to suicidal in the span of 1 hour.
Tired of feeling better and spiraling right back to SI.

While reading posts on here a part of me feels guilty for being suicidal I have it so much better thank some people on here and I still feel like shit 95% of the time.

I'm having a holiday in 2 weeks and simultaneously moving out from my partents house, thank god for that cuz they are definitely making me feel worse. I don't feel happy about it though if anything I feel empty.

Cutting myself every time I feel bad is not helping anymore. Matter of fact nothing is. I don't know what's wrong with me honestly. Why are my parents fine and functional, but me and my brother are just suicidal pieces of shit. Why can't I be normal for fucks sake.

P.S. Thank you all for reading this I really appreciate it.

I'm right there with you as far as mood swings are concerned. I'm clinically depressed and bipolar type 1 so I don't know how I will be feeling from 1 hour to the next.
And yes, you get to that point where none of your coping mechanisms work anymore.
Hedonistic adaptation is a cruel thing to be sure.
So sorry you are going through this. Life is a waking nightmare for some of us.

 

[MrDarkness]

I have severe anxiety and possibly bpd, I'm always worrying about if something bad going to happen or all my friends leaving me, I'm sick of worrying how I will feel tomorrow, I wanna be numb, I don't wanna feel anything tbh

 

[Kerock]

Yeah it sucks you want to CTB but you cant so you just feel like shit 24/7. Like you have to wait/make your life shittier to begin crossing the line.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to go through is horrible. Yes up 2 some point reading other posts and supporting people here helps oneself with own problems but there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for being suicidal. It's legitimate to consider it when one sees a relief in it. I don't know how I could help you but do you have an idea what's the reason and source for your suicidal thoughts and the mood swings could be? Imo that's the anchor point that must be changed to get better. I know it's more difficult rather than easy at all. I wish you all the best!

 

[feder]

I'm sorry what you have to go through is horrible. Yes up 2 some point reading other posts and supporting people here helps oneself with own problems but there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for being suicidal. It's legitimate to consider it when one sees a relief in it. I don't know how I could help you but do you have an idea what's the reason and source for your suicidal thoughts and the mood swings could be? Imo that's the anchor point that must be changed to get better. I know it's more difficult rather than easy at all. I wish you all the best!

The issue with trauma is that even when I know why I feel suicidal and I understand how it happened it doesn't really make me feel better or numb the feelings. I have no clue about the mood swings I've just been like that since childhood it was even worse back then. Told my parents a couple times I wanted to ctb when I was 7 or 8 but they dint really take it seriously. Thank you for the kind words, wish you the best too.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The issue with trauma is that even when I know why I feel suicidal and I understand how it happened it doesn't really make me feel better or numb the feelings. I have no clue about the mood swings I've just been like that since childhood it was even worse back then. Told my parents a couple times I wanted to ctb when I was 7 or 8 but they dint really take it seriously. Thank you for the kind words, wish you the best too.

mhmm it makes me so sad when parents don't take the problems and desires of their children seriously. So many "problems" in the future could be avoided. I really hope you can find a way out of this perhaps with professional therapy, did you try this and do you have the options?

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, being content in this hellish reality where there's unlimited potential to suffer could never be "normal". This world truly is a horrific place and I think that wanting suicide is perfectly logical, wanting to die will always be a valid way to feel even if other people appear to be in more unbearable situations.

 

[feder]

mhmm it makes me so sad when parents don't take the problems and desires of their children seriously. So many "problems" in the future could be avoided. I really hope you can find a way out of this perhaps with professional therapy, did you try this and do you have the options?

Haven been to a therapist yet cuz my parent will bog me with endless questions and probably think there's something wrong with me, I mean there is, but I don't want them to think that. But when I move out and save a bit of money I'm definitely going to one.