Venting im so done

[meddle]

god knows i tried. i really tried. at first, i just endured it. then i got tired and began my search for help. a paid doctor, a free doctor, a hospital, a hundred psychologists, various schemes of ad and antypsychotics... i quit my hated job, found a nice guy and started a relationship, i go to the gym, i have a wonderful family, my beloved cats, hobbies... and i still feel bad. having all of this and still not finding any joy, makes me feel like there really isnt anything left for me anymore

im writing my note. not sure if i ctb, because i know that my parents wont ever get over this, but just in case, lol. god, i wish i just died in my sleep. or that i got hit by a car. i can even save someone, right? i can shield some careless child with my body. god, if you exist, please, give me that opportunity, im begging you. i cant kill myself, because that will kill my parents for sure. i cant do that to them

 

[webb&flow]

i'm sorry to hear about this meddle. i know you feel dissonated with getting things you were striving for, yet still feeling dissatisfied. i think i might know some potential reasons for this

A lot of the time, what gives us happiness and meaning is not having nice things, but having something to strive for. This idea is elaborated in the philosophies of Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Camus, and Viktor Frankl. David Foster Wallace himself, after becoming a famous author, confessed on Charlie Rose that fame didn't really make him happy, and that he was 'looking for next brass ring', so to speak.

You can have nice things and still be bothered by factors in your life that are not so nice. No matter what kinds of pains and wounds you bear in your life, they are not invalidated or made unworthy of recognition, by any positive thing you possess in your life. You don't have to give up any legitimacy of your struggles, to have nice things in your life.

Have you read the poem Richard Cory? It illustrates the point we are moving towards here. It shows that a good life is more than just having nice things. It's also a kind of resonance, where the harsh painful sounds are given harsh desired sounds to make a kind of harmony, where cacophony still exists, but becomes part of some kind of symphony.

I know it can be very frustrating to try and figure out just what the fuck is going on. You may look at your life and think "I've got it all, according to the playbook, I've got it made. Why don't I feel alright?".

Do you think you feel your psychological conditions feel unmitigated under the hood? Or potentially you feel a lack of meaning behind everything you're doing. There are many kinds of afflictions one can feel, even in the midst of what may seem from the outside to be a perfect life. I'm sorry you feel this cognitive dissonance. It's another difficult confusion on top of what is already a very straining situation for you. Feel free to write absolutely anything you like, and my apologies if I misunderstood anything at all. I truly hope that you will find the cause of your struggles one day. I wish you harmony .

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[meddle]

i'm sorry to hear about this meddle. i know you feel dissonated with getting things you were striving for, yet still feeling dissatisfied. i think i might know some potential reasons for this

A lot of the time, what gives us happiness and meaning is not having nice things, but having something to strive for. This idea is elaborated in the philosophies of Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Camus, and Viktor Frankl. David Foster Wallace himself, after becoming a famous author, confessed on Charlie Rose that fame didn't really make him happy, and that he was 'looking for next brass ring', so to speak.

You can have nice things and still be bothered by factors in your life that are not so nice. No matter what kinds of pains and wounds you bear in your life, they are not invalidated or made unworthy of recognition, by any positive thing you possess in your life. You don't have to give up any legitimacy of your struggles, to have nice things in your life.

Have you read the poem Richard Cory? It illustrates the point we are moving towards here. It shows that a good life is more than just having nice things. It's also a kind of resonance, where the harsh painful sounds are given harsh desired sounds to make a kind of harmony, where cacophony still exists, but becomes part of some kind of symphony.

I know it can be very frustrating to try and figure out just what the fuck is going on. You may look at your life and think "I've got it all, according to the playbook, I've got it made. Why don't I feel alright?".

Do you think you feel your psychological conditions feel unmitigated under the hood? Or potentially you feel a lack of meaning behind everything you're doing. There are many kinds of afflictions one can feel, even in the midst of what may seem from the outside to be a perfect life. I'm sorry you feel this cognitive dissonance. It's another difficult confusion on top of what is already a very straining situation for you. Feel free to write absolutely anything you like, and my apologies if I misunderstood anything at all. I truly hope that you will find the cause of your struggles one day. I wish you harmony .

[Hidden content]

thank you for your thoughtful reply, webb. your kind words definitely made me feel a little better. and thank you for sharing this beautiful poem, i really liked it

yeah, some things bother me. i really hate the current state of the world we are living in. i mean, wars, poverty, hunger... all of this. and im struggling to find a point in all of this suffering. im no religious. i think that there is no god, there is no plan, no karma, no judgement day. that if something bad happens to someone, its not because god decides to try him, not because this struggle will make him a better man, not because he has to learn something from his suffering... bad things just happen. there is no high meaning behind them. and i see that we cant really change anything for the better, because money and pover corrupt. we can overthrow the bad government, but the new one will be no better. he who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself. and many lifes will be lost in this pointless revolution

i also cant help but see how little my efforts are. and that no matter how you try to change something, something will always go wrong and the things will not change. i know i could never be a volonteer and save stray cats and dogs. because i cant even imagine how devastating this feels: yesterday you saved 5 hungry sick frozen cats and today you see another 5 hungry sick frozen cats literally at the same spot i could never get used to it, so i just donate some money to charity and hope that even my little help counts a little, haha

so... idk. im just sad and tired. wish i had a purpose in life. wish our world was a little bit better

thank you for your kind words again