anhedonicNfoggy
i don’t know
- Aug 7, 2023
- 97
Sometimes, something triggers me. I cry. Then sleep. I wake up and I still feel terrible. My heart is still beating fast. The chest pain is tightening. I have a headache and heavy eyelids. I have unexplained body aches like my limbs feel sore for no reason, my stomach feels nauseous, my ankles and knees have a sting of pain. My mind feels hazy and disoriented. I feel so exhausted mentally that I want to do nothing. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to brush my teeth. I don't want to eat at all. I'm not sure when I'll feel better.
During that time, I really truly want to CTB. It's a solution to escape my problems — how I'm worthless, I'm burden to others, everyone dislikes me, no one is on my side or I'm such a failure, I can't change the outcome no matter how much effort I put in, all my capabilities are molded at birth or I'm sick of this rat race, everything is boring and tiresome, I'm lost and aimless. To the average person, these worries seem stupid. After all, I am not suffering from paralysis or dementia or war or poverty. But still I feel hopeless and I feel I lack control over my life.
I get a little better. Maybe it's the passage of time that allows me to breathe a little easier. Maybe it's the rest healing my mind and body. Or maybe the pause in responsibilities and locked door is the real reason. After all, if I don't participate in life, there's no reason to make a painful, high-risk decision. I don't know, I really did feel like I wanted to CTB no matter what when I was feeling bad but also I was so exhausted from the emotion overload that I didn't have the energy to plan and execute. I still don't like life though. I dislike facing rejection/judgement/uncertainty from people, I dislike being confined to a job of living to survive rather than surviving to live, I dislike how meaningless and dull existing is regardless of the event.
There comes this tranquil understanding that this whole thing just isn't worth it, but also I recognize to others, what I feel is such an overreaction. I don't know what is the right decision. I really don't. I'm 20 now. I have a lot of time ahead of me to determine that. But it's frustratingly complex. I'm in this repetitive cycle like I'm pulling the petals from nearby flowers saying "Will" then "Will not" but I'm nowhere close to finishing the mass.
During that time, I really truly want to CTB. It's a solution to escape my problems — how I'm worthless, I'm burden to others, everyone dislikes me, no one is on my side or I'm such a failure, I can't change the outcome no matter how much effort I put in, all my capabilities are molded at birth or I'm sick of this rat race, everything is boring and tiresome, I'm lost and aimless. To the average person, these worries seem stupid. After all, I am not suffering from paralysis or dementia or war or poverty. But still I feel hopeless and I feel I lack control over my life.
I get a little better. Maybe it's the passage of time that allows me to breathe a little easier. Maybe it's the rest healing my mind and body. Or maybe the pause in responsibilities and locked door is the real reason. After all, if I don't participate in life, there's no reason to make a painful, high-risk decision. I don't know, I really did feel like I wanted to CTB no matter what when I was feeling bad but also I was so exhausted from the emotion overload that I didn't have the energy to plan and execute. I still don't like life though. I dislike facing rejection/judgement/uncertainty from people, I dislike being confined to a job of living to survive rather than surviving to live, I dislike how meaningless and dull existing is regardless of the event.
There comes this tranquil understanding that this whole thing just isn't worth it, but also I recognize to others, what I feel is such an overreaction. I don't know what is the right decision. I really don't. I'm 20 now. I have a lot of time ahead of me to determine that. But it's frustratingly complex. I'm in this repetitive cycle like I'm pulling the petals from nearby flowers saying "Will" then "Will not" but I'm nowhere close to finishing the mass.
