i actually don't completely hate life, i think some aspects of it are quite pleasant. however i hate myself and my brain so much it's fucking overwhelming. i have c's through f's in all of my classes, and it's not even because i'm stupid (pretty naturally smart, used to be anyway) but because i don't do shit all day. i go to school in the same clothes and sit there quietly like some shell of a person and go home and watch tiktok and get angry at my family who are perfectly good people and talk to my few online friends pretending to be a better person than i am. i have very few interests that i never end up pursuing because why would i wanna get up and do something with my life when i could lie in bed all day thinking about having a good life.
the only thing i really do that's not on my phone is draw- i draw pictures over and over of the girl i wish i was. she looks different every time but it's always the same concept- naturally pretty, happy, bubbly with lots of friends and a general passion for being alive i've never had, even as a kid. also i'm just not fucking good at anything. i like singing but i can't hit most notes to save my life, i like theater but i auditioned for both my school shows and didn't get in because of course i didn't. i can't even do common sense things, it's some sort of miracle i managed to get the rope and tie the right knots for my hanging setup lol.
and then there's my looks. i don't think i was always horribly ugly (if i got ready for a while, anyway) but it's getting worse and worse because i just don't take care of myself. my skin is breaking out, my hair is always greasy, i'm gaining weight like crazy because stress eating is one of the few things that brings me comfort anymore, i have no fucking eyebrows (shaved them off impulsively one night), my teeth are probably rotting and i never bother to do hair or makeup atp. i feel revolting, not even human. people my age are falling in love and driving (no license) and having jobs but i'm fighting a fucking mental war over brushing my teeth.
i'm 18 btw, hs senior. i know this probably seems young to be on this forum but i feel like i've been stuck in this hellish existence for several eternities. also by "few online friends" it's mostly just this one guy who i have a big love/hate relationship with. i genuinely liked talking to him but i think he just wants me sexually, which is becoming more and more clear through the shit he sends. it wasn't sexual at first but now it is and i think he was just being so nice and genuine to get me comfortable. this isn't my first experience with a man like that, not by a long shot but it still surprised me and i can't find the strength to cut him off because of course i can't. i wish i had some value to someone apart from the object of a long-distance fantasy. i have no value.
my 13-year-old sister is beautiful with lots of friends and perfect grades and everyone loves her more because that's what she deserves. and i love her a lot, so much but it's hard not to get jealous because it's so incredibly obvious. but i also feel deranged being jealous of a middle schooler who's supposed to be looking up to me. i sure don't give her anything to look up to lol. i hope she ends up absolutely nothing like me.
another twisted confession: sometimes i feel jealous of others my age who have died by suicide. i research them and read their obituaries, seeing what clearly wonderful people they were who were important to their school, community, etc. meanwhile when i die there will be nothing to write about. my family will have to make some shit up about how i was all nice and sweet because i wasn't, i was a total bitch all the time to my poor undeserving parents. i gave my mom a hug before i left her house a few days ago and she got fucking suspicious i wanted money. i went home and cried.
i don't know where this post is leading so i'll wrap it up. i wish i could restart my life, i wonder if it would end up the same way. i'm pretty sure i have autism (been recommended to get tested for years) btw but no official diagnosis. i think my family will be upset when i leave, but they'll soon be way better off without my annoying leeching presence. planning to full suspension hang before school tomorrow (please give tips to be 100% it'll work btw, don't wanna trouble anyone with a failed attempt before christmas). i don't know why i'm like this.
the only thing i really do that's not on my phone is draw- i draw pictures over and over of the girl i wish i was. she looks different every time but it's always the same concept- naturally pretty, happy, bubbly with lots of friends and a general passion for being alive i've never had, even as a kid. also i'm just not fucking good at anything. i like singing but i can't hit most notes to save my life, i like theater but i auditioned for both my school shows and didn't get in because of course i didn't. i can't even do common sense things, it's some sort of miracle i managed to get the rope and tie the right knots for my hanging setup lol.
and then there's my looks. i don't think i was always horribly ugly (if i got ready for a while, anyway) but it's getting worse and worse because i just don't take care of myself. my skin is breaking out, my hair is always greasy, i'm gaining weight like crazy because stress eating is one of the few things that brings me comfort anymore, i have no fucking eyebrows (shaved them off impulsively one night), my teeth are probably rotting and i never bother to do hair or makeup atp. i feel revolting, not even human. people my age are falling in love and driving (no license) and having jobs but i'm fighting a fucking mental war over brushing my teeth.
i'm 18 btw, hs senior. i know this probably seems young to be on this forum but i feel like i've been stuck in this hellish existence for several eternities. also by "few online friends" it's mostly just this one guy who i have a big love/hate relationship with. i genuinely liked talking to him but i think he just wants me sexually, which is becoming more and more clear through the shit he sends. it wasn't sexual at first but now it is and i think he was just being so nice and genuine to get me comfortable. this isn't my first experience with a man like that, not by a long shot but it still surprised me and i can't find the strength to cut him off because of course i can't. i wish i had some value to someone apart from the object of a long-distance fantasy. i have no value.
my 13-year-old sister is beautiful with lots of friends and perfect grades and everyone loves her more because that's what she deserves. and i love her a lot, so much but it's hard not to get jealous because it's so incredibly obvious. but i also feel deranged being jealous of a middle schooler who's supposed to be looking up to me. i sure don't give her anything to look up to lol. i hope she ends up absolutely nothing like me.
another twisted confession: sometimes i feel jealous of others my age who have died by suicide. i research them and read their obituaries, seeing what clearly wonderful people they were who were important to their school, community, etc. meanwhile when i die there will be nothing to write about. my family will have to make some shit up about how i was all nice and sweet because i wasn't, i was a total bitch all the time to my poor undeserving parents. i gave my mom a hug before i left her house a few days ago and she got fucking suspicious i wanted money. i went home and cried.
i don't know where this post is leading so i'll wrap it up. i wish i could restart my life, i wonder if it would end up the same way. i'm pretty sure i have autism (been recommended to get tested for years) btw but no official diagnosis. i think my family will be upset when i leave, but they'll soon be way better off without my annoying leeching presence. planning to full suspension hang before school tomorrow (please give tips to be 100% it'll work btw, don't wanna trouble anyone with a failed attempt before christmas). i don't know why i'm like this.
