byebyered
sunshine ☀️
- Mar 9, 2022
- 67
I thought things were getting better. For a moment I saw a slither of hope. Ha. Delusional. Everything's bad again. I wanna be numb. I hate everybody & the world. Im not meant to be here. Im the problem. Everything is my fault. Im the cause of every pain & suffering I've experienced. That realization makes me hate myself more. I can't forgive myself. Nobody forgives me. I give people chance after chance and no one does the same for me. When I make a mistake that's just it for me. Oh well. I really don't want to be here anymore. "It's all in your head" "you're just overthinking" nah bro every single negative self thought is something someone has actually said to my face at one point.
It's not in my head when people GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to make me feel like shit or "kick me down a peg" wtf is wrong w/ people? Genuinely. I've been bullied & talked about at every job just because I'm quiet and mind my business. Why are you offended because I clock in , work , clock out ? Why do you feel like I'm obligated to have a conversation with you? I have so much anxiety now applying for jobs. I wanna work from home because I can't be around people anymore. I've been disrespected over, and over again. Im fucking tired. Im a good person. I never deserved any of the shit I went through.
Because I was nice & quiet it made me and easy target. What kind of backward ass shit is that. I didn't even get a CHANCE to build confidence or self love. All I know is self hatred. I've never loved myself once in my entire life. I don't know what that feels like. I've been betrayed, used, taken advantage of, etc. my trust is so so fucked up. I can't even trust myself. I constantly gaslight myself until it drives me fucking insane & I have to go for a drive for 6 hours. I cry all the time. Im so tired of feeling pathetic & miserable all the time. Im so envious of others and I hate it. I mean I'm happy for them but you know….why me? Why can't I have SOMETHING good? Something to make me want to put effort into living? Like friends , suddenly find my purpose , better relationship with family….idk a fucking miracle?
When I look around everybody has atleast one thing I guess they get joy or entertainment from. I have nothing (except for weed I guess? oof) I tried signing up for boxing classes in attempt to find a hobby. The door was locked and all the trainers were just staring at me as I tried to open the door looking like a dumbass. I thought someone would come to the door & see what I wanted but nope lol maybe they were having a private class or something . Either way when I actually put forth effort it just backfires. Like the universe spitting in my face. "Oh you could try again Don't give up" that's the thing….after so many attempts of actually putting forth effort & shit doesn't even work in my favor, I'm gonna get discouraged. I can't help that. The many times I've spent energy & time building up the courage to talk to someone or try to make a friend (I have social anxiety) and them just not even giving me the time of day. Or finally deciding to join in group conversation because hey! I actually have something to add this time! And then I just get fucking talked over or everyone ignores me.
It's crazy because I WANTED to get better. Who tf wants to die? (I do) I know life isn't perfect and everyone has a struggle…but if my life went somewhat decent I wouldn't think about suicide. I probably wouldn't even have depression. I would be living my best mf life probably preparing to go out tonight w/ friends or something. But no. I've been in the house all week. Crying because I pushed my ex away. Im so fucked up in the head I feel like I did him a favor. I was too insecure, miserable, jealousy issues, ETC. I fucking love him though. so so much. He wanted to help me. We shouldn't be codependent though. He can't be the only thing that makes me happy. I didn't want to be a burden. I can't do this shit anymore. I hate my life. I feel so fucking alone. If I was only somewhat normal…things would be different. So so different. It hurts knowing what could've been. I wish my mom aborted me. She was only 18, she should've. Im dealing with consequences that's not even my fault. My first therapy session ever is in a couple days. I guess I should figure out what's wrong with me before I drink SN.
I really needed to vent some. Im SOOOOO tired of this life. I want to scream. I daydream about taking my anger out on someone who provokes me. Just beating the shit out of them. Letting out all of my emotions. It makes me happy thinking about doing that. I would feel so much relief. Screaming and crying as I can't control my physical actions. Complete meltdown.Im literally stuck in between choosing recovery or going into my villain era…then CTB. I never asked for much in this life. All I ever wanted was to feel like I belonged somewhere. My inner child just wanted to feel wanted. Loneliness isn't a foreign feeling to me. I just wanted a community. A support system. Friends , family, who loved & supported me no matter what.
Im the black sheep in the family. Both of my parents are disappointed in me & resent me because of whatever mental illness I have. I've never been able to maintain friendships or bonds for too long in my life. I don't have that friend I've known since kindergarten or middle school. I don't talk to anyone consistently. If I get a flat tire , I'll probably just end up calling roadside service. I won't have anyone to call to help me.
Anyways, time to go smoke free weed with some stranger that stares at me the whole time because i have nothing better to do and I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
I didn't know I wrote this much but it made me feel slightly better to get that off my chest. If you read everything ,I appreciate you .
It's not in my head when people GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to make me feel like shit or "kick me down a peg" wtf is wrong w/ people? Genuinely. I've been bullied & talked about at every job just because I'm quiet and mind my business. Why are you offended because I clock in , work , clock out ? Why do you feel like I'm obligated to have a conversation with you? I have so much anxiety now applying for jobs. I wanna work from home because I can't be around people anymore. I've been disrespected over, and over again. Im fucking tired. Im a good person. I never deserved any of the shit I went through.
Because I was nice & quiet it made me and easy target. What kind of backward ass shit is that. I didn't even get a CHANCE to build confidence or self love. All I know is self hatred. I've never loved myself once in my entire life. I don't know what that feels like. I've been betrayed, used, taken advantage of, etc. my trust is so so fucked up. I can't even trust myself. I constantly gaslight myself until it drives me fucking insane & I have to go for a drive for 6 hours. I cry all the time. Im so tired of feeling pathetic & miserable all the time. Im so envious of others and I hate it. I mean I'm happy for them but you know….why me? Why can't I have SOMETHING good? Something to make me want to put effort into living? Like friends , suddenly find my purpose , better relationship with family….idk a fucking miracle?
When I look around everybody has atleast one thing I guess they get joy or entertainment from. I have nothing (except for weed I guess? oof) I tried signing up for boxing classes in attempt to find a hobby. The door was locked and all the trainers were just staring at me as I tried to open the door looking like a dumbass. I thought someone would come to the door & see what I wanted but nope lol maybe they were having a private class or something . Either way when I actually put forth effort it just backfires. Like the universe spitting in my face. "Oh you could try again Don't give up" that's the thing….after so many attempts of actually putting forth effort & shit doesn't even work in my favor, I'm gonna get discouraged. I can't help that. The many times I've spent energy & time building up the courage to talk to someone or try to make a friend (I have social anxiety) and them just not even giving me the time of day. Or finally deciding to join in group conversation because hey! I actually have something to add this time! And then I just get fucking talked over or everyone ignores me.
It's crazy because I WANTED to get better. Who tf wants to die? (I do) I know life isn't perfect and everyone has a struggle…but if my life went somewhat decent I wouldn't think about suicide. I probably wouldn't even have depression. I would be living my best mf life probably preparing to go out tonight w/ friends or something. But no. I've been in the house all week. Crying because I pushed my ex away. Im so fucked up in the head I feel like I did him a favor. I was too insecure, miserable, jealousy issues, ETC. I fucking love him though. so so much. He wanted to help me. We shouldn't be codependent though. He can't be the only thing that makes me happy. I didn't want to be a burden. I can't do this shit anymore. I hate my life. I feel so fucking alone. If I was only somewhat normal…things would be different. So so different. It hurts knowing what could've been. I wish my mom aborted me. She was only 18, she should've. Im dealing with consequences that's not even my fault. My first therapy session ever is in a couple days. I guess I should figure out what's wrong with me before I drink SN.
I really needed to vent some. Im SOOOOO tired of this life. I want to scream. I daydream about taking my anger out on someone who provokes me. Just beating the shit out of them. Letting out all of my emotions. It makes me happy thinking about doing that. I would feel so much relief. Screaming and crying as I can't control my physical actions. Complete meltdown.Im literally stuck in between choosing recovery or going into my villain era…then CTB. I never asked for much in this life. All I ever wanted was to feel like I belonged somewhere. My inner child just wanted to feel wanted. Loneliness isn't a foreign feeling to me. I just wanted a community. A support system. Friends , family, who loved & supported me no matter what.
Im the black sheep in the family. Both of my parents are disappointed in me & resent me because of whatever mental illness I have. I've never been able to maintain friendships or bonds for too long in my life. I don't have that friend I've known since kindergarten or middle school. I don't talk to anyone consistently. If I get a flat tire , I'll probably just end up calling roadside service. I won't have anyone to call to help me.
Anyways, time to go smoke free weed with some stranger that stares at me the whole time because i have nothing better to do and I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
I didn't know I wrote this much but it made me feel slightly better to get that off my chest. If you read everything ,I appreciate you .
