Venting I’m scared of myself

[willitpass]

As we start planning for me to finally go home after 5 months, I'm truly having to face the reality of the fact that I am terrified of myself. I know what I am capable of. I spent months torturing myself beyond words, in ways I don't even know if I'll ever be able to get myself to speak about. I shared most of what I did on here, but there's even more to it than that. And I know I am capable of setting myself on fire. When the time comes, I know I can and will do it. And that horrifies me. I want to die, but not like that. But I know my mind will do it. I will do it. I am a slave to my mind. And it's horrifying. I will die at the hand of the monster that lives in my head and won't seem to die no matter what I throw at it. I am horrified of myself. I am horrified of my inevitable demise.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

Please don't set yourself on fire, you don't deserve to die in such a horrible way! I hope you find a way to go on living, but if you do opt for suicide, please find a less painful way to do it...

 

[pyranha]

i really wish i knew what to say to make the self destructiveness go away. i've seen your posts all the way from before your attempt to your hospitalization to now. you didn't deserve the things that happened- not one piece of it, and i'm just so sorry that you were put through things in life that made you want to hurt yourself in these manners. i have hope in you, i sincerely believe you can have a better life, and even more so, i sincerely believe that under the self hatred, you want to have a better life.

i don't know what i can say to stop things that might occur in the future, but is there anything you can do when you and your father sign you out that would make you happy? could you and him spend the day at the mall, or if he's busy, then even just stop and sit for some ice cream (even if you can't finish it)? maybe you could stop by the park and sit with him for a while. anything to make the present more memorable than what the future might hold. i believe in you, i always will

 

[willitpass]

I am at the mercy of my ruthless mind.

 

[twilightSparriw]

For what it's worth… you write very well.

 

[willitpass]

I have so much potential in life. So many things I'm talented at. Being in treatment has even brought my passion back. There are so many things I want in life. I love my family. Throughout this journey I've actually found new friends and grown even closer with old ones. The joy that my job brings me that had started to fade as I got sicker has returned. My cat is the light of my life. I can actually experience happiness when I do things I love. I've gotten back into old hobbies and found new ones. I have aspirations in life.

Yet this mental illness will not go away. I've been in therapy since I could count my age on two hands. CBT, DBT, trauma therapy, you name it. Two residentials now. Too many hospitalizations to count, including multiple extended ones. A list of meds I've tried that is so long I'd be lucky to remember half of them. Shock therapy. And now ketamine. There are couple of newer clinical trial treatments or more invasive treatments Id be lucky if my insurance would even approve if I wanted them. I had really set my hopes out of ketamine being my miracle because I really don't have it in me to keep being a guinea pig in hopes that some other novel treatment will be the one. I'm exhausted. A decade and a half I've been fighting. I have tried so fucking hard.

Coming into the hospital in October 99.99999% of me was so fucking certain I hated myself, I wanted to die, I couldn't feel joy anymore. The .00000000001% of me that was terrified at setting myself on fire told me to get help one last time. And this one last time has allowed that hope to grow to maybe even 40% of me wanting to live. I want to experience those joys in life. But the 60% robs me of that. It has always been and will always be the one taking the lead until the day it finally succeeds at its ultimate goal. I wish I had ended it back in October because allowing that hope to grow only makes it more painful to know I will be giving up true passion. I knew I had good things in my life before subjectively, but I didn't feel anything about them. Now I can feel that joy and simultaneously feel the depression tearing it from my hands.

 

[fallingtopieces]

I knew I had good things in my life before subjectively, but I didn't feel anything about them. Now I can feel that joy and simultaneously feel the depression tearing it from my hands.

i'm scared for you too. this is a change, and starting to feel good when we're so used to tearing ourselves apart is a strange place. you don't want to trust it, you don't want to rely on it, you don't want to feel hopeful. we have tons of evidence not to.

I have so much potential in life. So many things I'm talented at. Being in treatment has even brought my passion back. There are so many things I want in life. I love my family. Throughout this journey I've actually found new friends and grown even closer with old ones. The joy that my job brings me that had started to fade as I got sicker has returned. My cat is the light of my life. I can actually experience happiness when I do things I love. I've gotten back into old hobbies and found new ones. I have aspirations in life.

but this is now, and this is something you can believe in, because all of it is also real and true.

 

[rs929]

There are some trials with psilocybin and MDMA going on some parts of the world. I am excited that they will be available in South America for a future depressive episode of mine.
I am sorry I've chosen to feed your hopeful part, although I know it won't really matter. But unlikely other people with an illness who have lost absolutely their hope, it seems there's a spark of life within you, and I hope it's that part that finally wins the battle.

 

[divinemistress36]

I have so much potential in life. So many things I'm talented at. Being in treatment has even brought my passion back. There are so many things I want in life. I love my family. Throughout this journey I've actually found new friends and grown even closer with old ones. The joy that my job brings me that had started to fade as I got sicker has returned. My cat is the light of my life. I can actually experience happiness when I do things I love. I've gotten back into old hobbies and found new ones. I have aspirations in life.

Yet this mental illness will not go away. I've been in therapy since I could count my age on two hands. CBT, DBT, trauma therapy, you name it. Two residentials now. Too many hospitalizations to count, including multiple extended ones. A list of meds I've tried that is so long I'd be lucky to remember half of them. Shock therapy. And now ketamine. There are couple of newer clinical trial treatments or more invasive treatments Id be lucky if my insurance would even approve if I wanted them. I had really set my hopes out of ketamine being my miracle because I really don't have it in me to keep being a guinea pig in hopes that some other novel treatment will be the one. I'm exhausted. A decade and a half I've been fighting. I have tried so fucking hard.

Coming into the hospital in October 99.99999% of me was so fucking certain I hated myself, I wanted to die, I couldn't feel joy anymore. The .00000000001% of me that was terrified at setting myself on fire told me to get help one last time. And this one last time has allowed that hope to grow to maybe even 40% of me wanting to live. I want to experience those joys in life. But the 60% robs me of that. It has always been and will always be the one taking the lead until the day it finally succeeds at its ultimate goal. I wish I had ended it back in October because allowing that hope to grow only makes it more painful to know I will be giving up true passion. I knew I had good things in my life before subjectively, but I didn't feel anything about them. Now I can feel that joy and simultaneously feel the depression tearing it from my hands.

Will you be doing anymore Ketamine treatments?

There are some trials with psilocybin and MDMA going on some parts of the world. I am excited that they will be available in South America for a future depressive episode of mine.
I am sorry I've chosen to feed your hopeful part, although I know it won't really matter. But unlikely other people with an illness who have lost absolutely their hope, it seems there's a spark of life within you, and I hope it's that part that finally wins the battle.

Psilocybin and mdma sound quite promising