i'm putting on an act for everyone around me

[justfloating]

I have tried the talking to people in hopes to get out of this state, however it made my situation worse as I was removed from my college, and the two people I care most about have cut me off completely.

I think I will likely CTB down the line but at the moment I am giving life a chance in hopes it will get better, and if not I hope I will be able to get the closure I need to CTB. I have to tell everyone im doing okay, I don't tell people I feel as suicidal as ever because no-one asks the question, but its hard putting on this act for everyone. I have to be all smiles, I do get low in front of people sometimes but I can't do it for long else they'll start asking. I want to be able to talk about what im going through, but I also don't want to because it only makes my situation worse, and will push people further away.

No-one wants me unless i'm that happy person who smiles for no reason, who can have a laugh any time. no-one wants me unless i'm a person I used to be, but am now a stranger to.

 

[CuddleHug]

I can relate so much. You are not alone, I think most of us have had similar experiences. Putting on an act whenever you are around people is so damn exhausting, yet the alternative is even harder. If we let people see what we're really feeling, they would disappear rather than give us the support we need.

They ask how we are because they care. Not about us, but about their own peace of mind. Even if they know we are struggling, all they want to hear is that we're doing okay.

In here, it's different. We will not judge or withdraw no matter what you share. It'd ironic, isn't it? A forum about suicide is the only place we can find comfort and support, the only things truly missing in our actual lives. Unfortunately, it's often too late, but we all believe in you. If you wish to keep fighting, for another day, a week, a month or even more, we will be here for you. And if you give up, we will still be here for you with warm words of love and hugs.

I just wanted to say that. Be kind to yourself <3

 

[justfloating]

I can relate so much. You are not alone, I think most of us have had similar experiences. Putting on an act whenever you are around people is so damn exhausting, yet the alternative is even harder. If we let people see what we're really feeling, they would disappear rather than give us the support we need.

They ask how we are because they care. Not about us, but about their own peace of mind. Even if they know we are struggling, all they want to hear is that we're doing okay.

In here, it's different. We will not judge or withdraw no matter what you share. It'd ironic, isn't it? A forum about suicide is the only place we can find comfort and support, the only things truly missing in our actual lives. Unfortunately, it's often too late, but we all believe in you. If you wish to keep fighting, for another day, a week, a month or even more, we will be here for you. And if you give up, we will still be here for you with warm words of love and hugs.

I just wanted to say that. Be kind to yourself <3

the people I was closest too have disappeared, and my surface level friends just check up every now and then for peace of mind as you say. people ask the question one e and never push any harder because no-one wants to know the truth, they just want to be able to say they tried. I don't let anyone hug me except one person, and all I need right now is one of those hugs so I can breathe again, but he's cut me off so I can't. I don't understand how people can treat people the way they do, especially when they are 'fragile' because they are suicidal.

this forum is great because no-one tells you that what you are feeling is wrong, that you just need to get over the shit in your life and move forward. people take your word for truth and they relate. I wish the people who are actually in my life could do that, I don't expect them to relate, I just want them to be there for me, because if they had I wouldn't be I the state I am.

if I do decide to CTB I am glad to have found this forum so I can not be alone. and if I choose not to then I can be here for others.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

This forum has kept me going , the support on and off the forum with people from this place has been amazing.
The real world sucks, a mask is normal for many people, mine is currently breaking and i'm panicking, people in the world don't understand and never will unless they have been to the depths we have.
Never feel bad for putting on a front, sometimes needs must to ensure our own well being, its not selfish, its life.
Where ever life takes you next, I hope this forum and the people within it can offer you some comfort and support along the way

 

[nbn]

the people I was closest too have disappeared, and my surface level friends just check up every now and then for peace of mind as you say. people ask the question one e and never push any harder because no-one wants to know the truth, they just want to be able to say they tried. I don't let anyone hug me except one person, and all I need right now is one of those hugs so I can breathe again, but he's cut me off so I can't. I don't understand how people can treat people the way they do, especially when they are 'fragile' because they are suicidal.

this forum is great because no-one tells you that what you are feeling is wrong, that you just need to get over the shit in your life and move forward. people take your word for truth and they relate. I wish the people who are actually in my life could do that, I don't expect them to relate, I just want them to be there for me, because if they had I wouldn't be I the state I am.

if I do decide to CTB I am glad to have found this forum so I can not be alone. and if I choose not to then I can be here for others.

Sorry to hear that. I cannot give a physical hug to u. I can give a big virtual hug......

 

[justfloating]

This forum has kept me going , the support on and off the forum with people from this place has been amazing.
The real world sucks, a mask is normal for many people, mine is currently breaking and i'm panicking, people in the world don't understand and never will unless they have been to the depths we have.
Never feel bad for putting on a front, sometimes needs must to ensure our own well being, its not selfish, its life.
Where ever life takes you next, I hope this forum and the people within it can offer you some comfort and support along the way

putting on a front is the better of two horrible choices, I hate that society encourages us to talk but refuses to listen and help, its so fucked.

suicidal people are treated like absolute shit. people pretend to care because they feel they have to, but at the end of the day we are pushed to the side and people just hope we won't hurt ourselves

 

[issyishere]

I understand what you're going through. I have to put on a facade of happiness around my friends and family when i'm actually not feeling good at all. It's like living a double life. Really takes a toll on you.

 

[Cherrybreeze]

I could've written this post, I relate so, so much. The worsening struggle that my life has become has created irreparable distance from my family, who before this, I was very, very close to. It causes me so much additional pain.

I used to be a totally different person. I don't know why she had to go away, or why this one is in her place now, but I miss her. I just know at this point there's no way to get her back. :(

 

[justfloating]

I could've written this post, I relate so, so much. The worsening struggle that my life has become has created irreparable distance from my family, who before this, I was very, very close to. It causes me so much additional pain.

I used to be a totally different person. I don't know why she had to go away, or why this one is in her place now, but I miss her. I just know at this point there's no way to get her back. :(

its so hard being a stranger to yourself. I no longer know what makes me happy, and I miss myself more than anything.

I was open about my suicidal thoughts and people think I got better but in reality its just as bad. I feel like if id been able to go though my dark times without feeling constant pressure to magically be the old me, without my friends cutting me off, without being called 'crazy' and 'manipulative' for being honest, then maybe I would have been able to eventually find myself.

im not sure if ill ever be the person I once was, but I don't know how not to be her

 

[Cherrybreeze]

its so hard being a stranger to yourself. I no longer know what makes me happy, and I miss myself more than anything.

I was open about my suicidal thoughts and people think I got better but in reality its just as bad. I feel like if id been able to go though my dark times without feeling constant pressure to magically be the old me, without my friends cutting me off, without being called 'crazy' and 'manipulative' for being honest, then maybe I would have been able to eventually find myself.

im not sure if ill ever be the person I once was, but I don't know how not to be her

This. Any time I try to just be honest and explain my feelings, my (twin) sister calls me manipulative. And somehow, everyone follows her as the leader. So, if she says not to talk to me, no one talks to me. I've seen texts between her and my BF, with her basically telling/encouraging him to leave me for the last 6 months + (he originally reached out to her for help out of concern for me).

No one is on my side anymore. Not even me.

I was convinced for a long time that I'd snap out if this funk and go back to being who I used to be. I wanted to, hell, I still want to. I just no longer have the physical, mental, or emotional energy. I'm past exhaustion. I hope my loved ones remember her when they think of me, and not THIS me.

 

[justfloating]

This. Any time I try to just be honest and explain my feelings, my (twin) sister calls me manipulative. And somehow, everyone follows her as the leader. So, if she says not to talk to me, no one talks to me. I've seen texts between her and my BF, with her basically telling/encouraging him to leave me for the last 6 months + (he originally reached out to her for help out of concern for me).

No one is on my side anymore. Not even me.

I was convinced for a long time that I'd snap out if this funk and go back to being who I used to be. I wanted to, hell, I still want to. I just no longer have the physical, mental, or emotional energy. I'm past exhaustion. I hope my loved ones remember her when they think of me, and not THIS me.

my ex, who was my friend and said I could talk about things with him and he was not going to cut me off and would tell me if its too much for him, he called me manipulative when I would tell him id been feeling suicidal. it really sucked because I have no-one else to talk to and he was clear to me that he was going to be there for me.

I feel like people are angry at me for not being me, but they don't want to help me get past this. Its as if they think I chose to feel this way.

im terrified that if I do CTB people will remember me as 'manipulative' or 'crazy' as he called me. I just want people to think of the person who was all smiles and laughter, just being the warm and happy person I used to be

 

[LonelyLight]

Very relatable. Unfortunately.

 

[TimeTheTaleWereTold]

took the words straight out of my mouth. i'm sorry you feel this way. here if you need a chat

 

[Anon2662]

I can totally relate to this but I fear my mask is slipping recently. It's becoming more and more tough to pretend.. like they know I'm not okay as I don't leave the house but they don't know the half of it.
Sorry people cut you off when you tried to open up about it. I know how exhausting keeping up the act is. At least you've got this place where you can talk freely and don't have to pretend to be 'that happy person' you can just be you Here if you ever need a chat :)

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I am drunk atm and for the first time after months of 24/7 suicidal thoughts/ planning admitted to someone I was considering it :-/. It was completely the wrong person to talk to even, so I decided to go all in and defend my position, told him I wasn't going to go into defence for what I feel, wasn't going to let myself be labeled insane, but also that I am not blaming anyone around me and that I understand their defense mechanismy behaviour.

It's pretty likely he will stick this to all my other friends and possibly family members though. I'm getting ready to defend my position logically and prove I am a rational and sane person.
.
Totally relate to the 'happiness imperative' thing; he told me it was my 'illness' and that I only have to get to point where I can see a positive future for myself again and all that crap; at least he realized immediately that he was spouting platitudes and I gently called him out on it.

 

[OverItAll]

I can definitely relate here.

I did have a lengthy post ready to go, but reading over it made me see that it was all about me. And I'm fucking sick of me.