Venting Im not okay

[falloutcarter13]

I say all of the time here that I'm totally comfortable with my decision to ctb, and to be fair to myself (which I always like to be) 97% of the time, I really mean it. But I get scared, confused, lost, miserable, and heartbroken about all of this, just like everybody else. I just ate frozen Oreo cookies to try to feel better and I cried the whole time. I'm sure it would have made a hilarious gif. But I get lonely and scared and sad at night, when I'm the last one awake and it feels like I'm the last person on earth. Not that anyone should care, you're all in at least as much pain as I am. I just want to be a real person here, I don't want to spend my last few weeks here bullshitting like I'm all the way okay. I've been doing that my whole life, and I don't want to do that here. I deserve better and all of you deserve to know the real me. I can't ask you to care if you don't even know who I really am. I really appreciate all of you inviting me in and treating me like one of you. Sometimes, it's the only thing I have left to hold onto.

 

[stationarymillennial]

I mean, we can still care about you because we don't know your name or whatever IRL, but we still know you from your posts. I agree. I'm not doing great either. Awful, actually. I feel somewhat of a dumpster fire of expired cat food; a pipe bomb made of self-medicating single-cell organisms; a mess, if you will. I'm sure you would have made for a great gif indeed. I don't think I'll be trying those frozen oreos on time, btw.

I get you though. There's a lot of sadness in between the methodical planning, research, and acquiring different things. We're ultimately acquiring these things for our demise, and that fucking sucks. I'm with you, dude (/dudette/dudx/whatever).

Edit: But I know a bit about your situation too, and I know enough to know I can't relate completely. I know you're upset about your circumstances too. Sigh.

 

[SoIntoYou]

It's OK, man. People usually react this way when confined to a prison world. Everyone on Earth is suffering, even those who inflict the pain, so suffer as least as you can. If you decide to KYS, just know that it's probably the most powerful thing you could have done with your life.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I mean, we can still care about you because we don't know your name or whatever IRL, but we still know you from your posts. I agree. I'm not doing great either. Awful, actually. I feel somewhat of a dumpster fire of expired cat food; a pipe bomb made of self-medicating single-cell organisms; a mess, if you will. I'm sure you would have made for a great gif indeed. I don't think I'll be trying those frozen oreos on time, btw.

I get you though. There's a lot of sadness in between the methodical planning, research, and acquiring different things. We're ultimately acquiring these things for our demise, and that fucking sucks. I'm with you, dude (/dudette/dudx/whatever).

Edit: But I know a bit about your situation too, and I know enough to know I can't relate completely. I know you're upset about your circumstances too. Sigh.

Thank you, my friend. Means the world. I'm sorry you're feeling bad yourself, it's really no fun..

By everybody knowing who I am, I meant just not putting up a wall between us where I tell everybody it's all good and I'm 100% cool with murdering myself. I'm suicidal, not insane lol...i just wanted everybody to know that. I have sadness about all of this too, that's all

 

[stationarymillennial]

I'm suicidal, not insane lol...i just wanted everybody to know that. I have sadness about all of this too, that's all

I know. me too :(

 

[LifeIzPain]

I feel the same way. My house is my prison and my room is my cell. It's hard maintaining a mask and pretending to be okay when you're not. That's one of the things I find so comforting about this forum. The fact that people can be open and honest about the way they're feeling.

Your posts here on this forum have been nothing but kind and informative. I'm sure lots of people here care about you. I know I do, I hope you feel better.

 

[falloutcarter13]

What sparked all this off was getting a call from a friend. She's a single mom, we used to bartend together years ago. In her breaks between abusive bfs, we would do a sorta fwb thing. It's been a few months, so I told her about the shit circus that's going on in my life. I mean I told her everything, including hanging myself in jail and the two weeks in the psych ward. The only thing I didn't tell her was my plan to ctb right and not fuck it up this time. Her answer to these problems were coming to smuggle me out of my grandparents house, get drunk and fuck. My stomach literally turned as I realized that for years, this person I thought I had a real emotional connection with only cares about me if she's getting something out of it. I almost hung up on her, how tf can you hear all of that and be like "cool, so anyway, why don't we make things even worse by sneaking you out, getting drunk (which is clearly the cause of this whole mess), and letting me use you for sex since I'm in between bfs right now." It just makes me feel like even more of an alien. I'm sad as can be about ctb sometimes, but shit like this makes me feel like I can't wait to leave

 

[inactive]

You keep intriguing me with these "frozen oreo cookies" you mention in your posts. Which ones do you freeze? Double stuf?

In my eyes, you've made yourself a highly memorable member of this forum so far with your lovely and honest contributions. I feel confident in saying that lots of us will remember you fondly once you've achieved your peace :)

 

[falloutcarter13]

You keep intriguing me with these "frozen oreo cookies" you mention in your posts. Which ones do you freeze? Double stuf?

In my eyes, you've made yourself a highly memorable member of this forum so far with your lovely and honest contributions. I feel confident in saying that lots of us will remember you fondly once you've achieved your peace :)

That's so nice, to think there's somewhere where I'll be thought of as something other than mentally defective and a non-functional life form.

And double stuf, you know it. Regular Oreos are bullshit, nobody eats them for the chocolate cookie part. ...do they???

 

[so tired or manic]

as a very, very drunk person, I'm glad you're here, even if for a short while. you've become a common name. I will miss you, but that doesn't mean I won't be grateful you won't be waiting out jail time.

I don't know how legible this will be. I seem to be editing everything.

 

[falloutcarter13]

as a very, very drunk person, I'm glad you're here, even if for a short while. you've become a common name. I will miss you, but that doesn't mean I won't be grateful you won't be waiting out jail time.

I don't know how legible this will be. I seem to be editing everything.

I read you just fine, chief. Big 10-4, and the message was soooo appreciated

 

[timeisnigh]

I'm going to enter a dissenting opinion

 

[falloutcarter13]

I'm going to enter a dissenting opinion

...go for it? Though I wasn't really offering an opinion on anything for someone to dissent against...just venting my feelings in a "venting" post

 

[stationarymillennial]

Though I wasn't really offering an opinion on anything for someone to dissent against

they might have been talking about this extremely hot take:

Regular Oreos are bullshit

which... lmfao. dude you are hilarious. and correct

edit: oop

 

[timeisnigh]

Prison is bullshit. Especially in the States. I've read your details. Your situation is pretty untenable, but not totally so.

And let me be clear. The antinatalist/ efilist streak on SS is much less than it was when @WhyIsLife56 was here. So, I'm as pro choice, against birth as they come, but I'm not totally convinced your oreo eating ass is miserable enough to get off the train: because your writing doesn't seem convinced.

All of your hitches have been in jails. 16 years means you're going to the big house. That sucks ... way LESS than going to county!

 

[falloutcarter13]

Prison is bullshit. Especially in the States. I've read your details. Your situation is pretty untenable, but not totally so.

And let me be clear. The antinatalist/ efilist streak on SS is much less than it was when @WhyIsLife56 was here. So, I'm as pro choice, against birth as they come, but I'm not totally convinced your oreo eating ass is miserable enough to get off the train: because your writing doesn't seem convinced.

All of your hitches have been in jails. 16 years means you're going to the big house. That sucks ... way LESS than going to county!

I would have been more comfortable if you'd offered a counterargument to my "regular Oreos are bullshit" theory. We will agree to disagree on this one for sure...i was barely making it out here in the regular world. I try so hard to make it clear that an upcoming prison sentence isn't my reason for ctb, I've been on that path for over half of my life. The certainty of going to prison is just making it so I no longer have a will or a reason to back out of it.

 

[timeisnigh]

Thanks for the frowny faces, @so tired or manic and @ropebunny

anyway, that's why it's called a dissenting opinion

as for "not making it outside of the gates," has it occurred to you that correctional treatment could benefit you, given how poorly everything has consistently gone for so long?

 

[stationarymillennial]

Umm..

that correctional treatment could benefit you,

O rly? But I thought

Prison is bullshit. Especially in the States.

And it seems you missed

.i was barely making it out here in the regular world. I try so hard to make it clear that an upcoming prison sentence isn't my reason for ctb

I mean, come on. We're not all gathered here at the post office. It's an end-of-life forum. Maybe it's not the best place to push dissenting opinions on people who disagree, especially when it's their entire life we're talking about

 

[falloutcarter13]

Thanks for the frowny faces, @so tired or manic and @ropebunny

anyway, that's why it's called a dissenting opinion

as for "not making it outside of the gates," has it occurred to you that correctional treatment could benefit you, given how poorly everything has consistently gone for so long?

Dude, I'm sure. Thanks for caring, and I really do mean that. It kinda sucks to be in the place I'm at (And have been at for many, many years) with having a craving for an escape through death, just to be invalidated by someone saying my "Oreo eating ass isnt ready to get off the train." All due respect, you only know me through my posts, and I feel I've been pretty clear about how long I've been suicidal and how committed I am to finally bring it off this time.

I'm not looking for an argument or a back and forth on this. I just wanted to let you know how your comments hit me. It's okay to have your own opinions, but whatever conclusions you've drawn about me from whatever posts of mine you've read, I can definitely say you're wrong about me not being ready to go.

 

[timeisnigh]

@stationarymillennial I'm not backing US prisons: you missed "not totally untenable." as for standing around the post office, it is @falloutcarter13 's life and I'm just seeing more fence sitting than I had before. so I'm not going to apologize for being devil's advocate. I'm not pushing an opinion. we're all on the same team, so assume good faith

@falloutcarter13 we cool. wasn't invalidating. kinda thought you were running with the oreo thing, wasn't aiming to hurt feelings doubling down on that. good luck whichever way it goes

anyone else, mods included: I intended to do no harm, hope I receive no foul. I'm out of this thread.

 

[falloutcarter13]

@stationarymillennial I'm not backing US prisons: you missed "not totally untenable." as for standing around the post office, it is @falloutcarter13 's life and I'm just seeing more fence sitting than I had before. so I'm not going to apologize for being devil's advocate. I'm not pushing an opinion. we're all on the same team, so assume good faith

@falloutcarter13 we cool. wasn't invalidating. kinda thought you were running with the oreo thing, wasn't aiming to hurt feelings doubling down on that. good luck whichever way it goes

anyone else, mods included: I intended to do no harm, hope I receive no foul. I'm out of this thread.

I see you lit the match and now you're gonna bail lol, which is fine...ive been known to do the same, from time to time. All I want to say is admitting to being sad about my own demise doesn't make me any less committed or constitute "fence sitting." Go in peace, my son, it's all good and this didn't make me feel/think any sort of way about you. It actually served as a distraction from my own head, which was nice. So thanks!

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I could have written that (except my midnight snack these days is roasted seaweed lol).

It may sound weird but it seems like you and I are at the same place in our journey - ready, confident, just tying up loose ends and resenting the fact that it's come to this.

People who know me but not too well say I'm a wonderful, friendly and giving person. (The fools who know me really well know the side of me that needs to ctb). If the world were a different place, life wouldn't have turned out this way. We would feel like the last people on earth, we wouldn't get so dark so often and we"d be able to find the beauty we find here in the real world.

It's not fair that some people get to live a real, happy life and some of us can't.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

But I get scared, confused, lost, miserable, and heartbroken about all of this

I understand. I wish there was some way I could comfort you and just make the sadness about all this go away.

" In my eyes, you've made yourself a highly memorable member of this forum so far with your lovely and honest contributions. I feel confident in saying that lots of us will remember you fondly once you've achieved your peace :)"

I totally agree with @ropebunny here

"That's so nice, to think there's somewhere where I'll be thought of as something other than mentally defective and a non-functional life form."

From all the posts I've read by you, I get the impression of a highly intelligent, articulate and compassionate person.
Thanks for having been so open about your story and feelings, it has meant a lot to a lot of people here.
You're great.

 

[Cherrypea]

Your friend doesn't sound particularly stable, I'd say she thought she would be helping you with the plan to have drunk sex, that I'td be fun and take you away from your life. I agree though it's sad when you feel let down like that x

 

[Deleted member 14573]

No need to pretend to be okay here. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. You seem like a lovely person. Hugs

 

[radrobin]

Planning a ctb and just counting the days while pretending everything is normal on the outside is emotionally exhausting. I sometimes feel something akin to grief for everything that will be lost.

There is no need to pretend here of all places, @falloutcarter13 thank you for your honesty

 

[feast or famine]

I relate to this on so many levels. Since I'm not quite sure when I will ctb (preferably within the next month), I try to avoid thinking about it in a way because if I think about it too much, I start to crumble a bit. It's completely okay not to be okay. As humans, we are complex creatures with so many different emotions and when it comes to planning our own deaths, it's hard to completely wrap our minds around that concept.

In any case, I've noticed a lot of similarities between us. The method, time frame, feelings, etc. If you ever need to vent or talk about anything, please feel free to PM me. Much love to you.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I relate to this on so many levels. Since I'm not quite sure when I will ctb (preferably within the next month), I try to avoid thinking about it in a way because if I think about it too much, I start to crumble a bit. It's completely okay not to be okay. As humans, we are complex creatures with so many different emotions and when it comes to planning our own deaths, it's hard to completely wrap our minds around that concept.

In any case, I've noticed a lot of similarities between us. The method, time frame, feelings, etc. If you ever need to vent or talk about anything, please feel free to PM me. Much love to you.

I really appreciated this message, and the offer to pm. Don't be surprised if I take you up on it! Thanks for caring, it really does help.

 

[feast or famine]

I really appreciated this message, and the offer to pm. Don't be surprised if I take you up on it! Thanks for caring, it really does help.

You're welcome. And I wouldn't mind at all! After all, there's not many people we can have honest talks with about offing ourselves (haha).

 

[mediocre]

I get so scared and lonely during the day but especially at night because I can't go to sleep most of the time. It's horrible :(