I'm not good enough at anything

[witchcraft]

So why am I here?

I don't need (or want, honestly) to be famous by the way. I mean yeah, part of me thinks it would be nice... until I actually sit and contemplate it more seriously. I'm introverted and ultimately prefer peace and privacy. For example, if I became a financially successful author, it'd be under a pseudonym.

It's like torture at this point. Anything and everything I've ever tried, including things I've obsessively put a lot of time and effort into for years, has never worked out. So much wasted for no results.

And it often feels like I'm so close. Juuust barely not good enough to be a professional gamer. Juuuust barely not good enough to be a full-time streamer. Juuuust barely not good enough at making videos, at writing, at literally fucking anything. No explanation as to how to get better either. No mentor. Nobody and nothing. Only stuck with no way out. Hey, at least I was good enough to get a degree in something I hated doing so much it led me to considering CTB.

Is this some kind of cosmic fucking joke? Why can I not just be good enough at one singular fucking thing? Why is existence just a constant cucking, blue-balling, edging nightmare?

If there was Universal Basic Income here then maybe I wouldn't care as much. Yeah, it'd be kind of disappointing—doomed to be average—but at the end of the day I'd have a roof over my head, a small place, and time to do things simply for my own enjoyment. No more worrying about "getting good enough" to be financially secure. I could make peace with that.

To be clear: I'm not actively pursuing "professional gamer" right now. I'm just talking over the course of my life. I'm nearly 30 and have never become anything or anyone. I suppose most people don't, but becoming something or someone is seemingly the only way to have a decent life free from the 9-5 hellscape. You can't be average and live a life free from the daily barrage of ridiculous bullshit.

I want to commit suicide because I do not want to work my entire life. I've worked for 10 years in about a couple dozen different jobs (painting houses, construction, warehouse, factory, office, teaching, barista, fry bagger, property inspector) and all of it sucks fucking balls and makes being alive not worth it. The thing I have to do to go on living makes going on living not worth it. Make it make sense please.

Having to be somewhere every single fucking day, all day, a place you don't want to even be at to begin with, leaving you no time or energy to do things that you want to do when you get home or on your days off. Been there done that. It's misery and it never goes anywhere, never changes, never gets better. I might last 3 months, 6 months, a year, it doesn't matter. It's unsustainable. I start calling in sick when I'm not sick. That's when I know it's over. Unable to sleep because you're worried that you'll oversleep, show up late to work, no-show, get berated, get disciplined, get fired. It's a never-ending cycle. Inevitably I just say fuck it, I quit. Jobs don't pay enough and don't respect you enough and don't give you enough time off.

Unemployed for three years now. Living with my mom. Waiting for my parents to pass so I can inherit my dad's guns and fucking kill myself. I don't even know if I want to be successful in this world anyway.

 

[DeathWish3301]

So why am I here?

I don't need (or want, honestly) to be famous by the way. I mean yeah, part of me thinks it would be nice... until I actually sit and contemplate it more seriously. I'm introverted and ultimately prefer peace and privacy. For example, if I became a financially successful author, it'd be under a pseudonym.

It's like torture at this point. Anything and everything I've ever tried, including things I've obsessively put a lot of time and effort into for years, has never worked out. So much wasted for no results.

And it often feels like I'm so close. Juuust barely not good enough to be a professional gamer. Juuuust barely not good enough to be a full-time streamer. Juuuust barely not good enough at making videos, at writing, at literally fucking anything. No explanation as to how to get better either. No mentor. Nobody and nothing. Only stuck with no way out. Hey, at least I was good enough to get a degree in something I hated doing so much it led me to considering CTB.

Is this some kind of cosmic fucking joke? Why can I not just be good enough at one singular fucking thing? Why is existence just a constant cucking, blue-balling, edging nightmare?

If there was Universal Basic Income here then maybe I wouldn't care as much. Yeah, it'd be kind of disappointing—doomed to be average—but at the end of the day I'd have a roof over my head, a small place, and time to do things simply for my own enjoyment. No more worrying about "getting good enough" to be financially secure.

To be clear: I'm not actively pursuing "professional gamer" right now. I'm just talking over the course of my life. I'm nearly 30 and have never become anything or anyone. I suppose most people don't, but becoming something or someone is seemingly the only way to have a decent life free from the 9-5 hellscape.

I want to commit suicide because I do not want to work my entire life. I've worked for 10 years in about a couple dozen different jobs (painting houses, construction, warehouse, factory, office, teaching, barista, fry bagger, property inspector) and all of it sucks fucking balls and makes being alive not worth it. The thing I have to do to go on living makes going on living not worth it. Make it make sense please.

Having to be somewhere every single fucking day, all day, a place you don't want to even be at to begin with, leaving you no time or energy to do things that you want to do when you get home or on your days off. Been there done that. It's misery and it never goes anywhere, never changes, never gets better. I might last 3 months, 6 months, a year, it doesn't matter. It's unsustainable. I start calling in sick when I'm not sick. That's when I know it's over.

Unemployed for three years now. Living with my mom. Waiting for my parents to pass so I can inherit my dad's guns and fucking kill myself. I don't even know if I want to be successful in this world anyway.

You'd be a great writer. You have excellent spelling, grammar and punctuation. Obviously, I don't know you but you sound intelligent based off your post.

Most people get college degrees and either don't use them for whatever reason, end up changing fields/professions or hating what they thought they'd like. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I'm around your age and thankfully a good chunk of younger people are realizing college is a scam. Good for them.

You are smart enough to realize, as you stated, that the majority of people don't achieve fame or massive success. We have an inherent bias to notice the successful stories and ignore the majority who don't succeed.

I could be wrong but I believe it was Bo Burnham (Comedian & Musician) said on a late night show that he just got lucky and that's all it was. I remember his honesty standing out to me.

As far as working goes, money makes the world go round. Nobody wants to, they have to. That's just how it is.

My opinion is that you're not supposed to enjoy work. It's to make money, and the goal should be to find something you can tolerate. If you happen to enjoy it too, then great.

I think the lie of "following your dreams" in terms of employment is what leads a lot of people, including you, to end up disappointed and with a lot of debt.

There's always the option of getting into a high paying job, grinding it out for a few years, building up the wealth then investing. Make your money work for you. Then you don't have to work anymore.

It sounds like you have a lot of interests and passions. You sound driven but let down. You should do the gaming, videos, writing, etc. because you enjoy them; if they end up making money, even better.

Sorry if this wasn't helpful, just trying to help.

 

[witchcraft]

You'd be a great writer. You have excellent spelling, grammar and punctuation. Obviously, I don't know you but you sound intelligent based off your post.

Most people get college degrees and either don't use them for whatever reason, end up changing fields/professions or hating what they thought they'd like. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I'm around your age and thankfully a good chunk of younger people are realizing college is a scam. Good for them.

You are smart enough to realize, as you stated, that the majority of people don't achieve fame or massive success. We have an inherent bias to notice the successful stories and ignore the majority who don't succeed.

I could be wrong but I believe it was Bo Burnham (Comedian & Musician) said on a late night show that he just got lucky and that's all it was. I remember his honesty standing out to me.

As far as working goes, money makes the world go round. Nobody wants to, they have to. That's just how it is.

My opinion is that you're not supposed to enjoy work. It's to make money, and the goal should be to find something you can tolerate. If you happen to enjoy it too, then great.

I think the lie of "following your dreams" in terms of employment is what leads a lot of people, including you, to end up disappointed and with a lot of debt.

There's always the option of getting into a high paying job, grinding it out for a few years, building up the wealth then investing. Make your money work for you. Then you don't have to work anymore.

It sounds like you have a lot of interests and passions. You sound driven but let down. You should do the gaming, videos, writing, etc. because you enjoy them; if they end up making money, even better.

Sorry if this wasn't helpful, just trying to help.

Some of it was helpful or at least encouraging, thank you. You might not be surprised to hear my response to "money makes the world go round, nobody wants to work, they have to, that's just how it is" would be: CTB. Of course, I would never advocate / suggest that for others. Merely speaking for myself.

And yeah honesty like that is rare and refreshing.

 

[DeathWish3301]

Some of it was helpful, thank you. You might not be surprised to hear my response to "money makes the world go round, nobody wants to work, they have to, that's just how it is" would be: CTB. Of course, I would never advocate / suggest that for others. Merely speaking for myself.

And yeah honesty like that is rare and refreshing.

At least there's that, and you're welcome.

I'm not surprised as you preemptively guessed but I can empathize.

It just sounds like you have a lot of potential, though.

Like I said, you sound driven with a solid work ethic. I think you just haven't found a niche that you can put that into that also covers finances.