Venting I'm no good

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I just need to say this.

I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much. Right down to the core of who I am. I've never hated anyone like I hate myself. There's nothing good in me, nothing. Everyday I live is just another day to prove to myself and other people who worthless I am. I should have killed myself YEARS AGO. If I'd done it back then maybe I'd still have some reason to believe I have some fucking value as a person. But I have no value. I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I'm a coward, and I'm wasteful. I'm a walking monument to human sin. I hate myself.

I don't know how to move past this. I don't know how it's possible to see any way out other than death. I've hated myself so long, I've had every opportunity to grow, to change, I've had every support, but I've stayed EXACTLY THE SAME. I guess one thing did change, I lost my hope that I could ever be better.

Suicide makes sense in that lens. It's the only possible way to free myself from my self hatred, it's my only fucking I hope. I feel horrible for how this will effect my family, but I just don't see another point. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LOVE MYSELF WHEN EVERYTHING I AM CONTRADICTS MY VALUES? It's an oxymoron. It's impossible. It cannot be done. Dying ends the civil war. I mean what's the fucking point huh? I'll never grow, so what is this? Just some ongoing self judgement. A death sentence I except, but 60+ years of TORTURE?

I feel like my family will have to understand. I know this will hurt them BUT HOW CAN I POSSIBLY JUSTIFY KEEPING GOING UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. How can I justify living to accumulate more regrets. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine things being WORSE? I don't want to hate myself more than I do now. I'd rather die. I know for a fact that I'd rather die.

I just can't believe I am who I am. I've literally failed the test of life. God, I fucking hate myself.

 

[Hollowman]

I've failed too.

 

[astroproto]

Real.

I always found it funny when people talk about their self-criticism as voices in their heads. Who needs other voices to tell you you're shit when you already know that for a fact?

I don't know how I managed to delude myself a while back thinking I'm just fine with who I am and that I just simply want to stop living but going back outside, it's become apparent that I really am a piece of shit.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

Real.

I always found it funny when people talk about their self-criticism as voices in their heads. Who needs other voices to tell you you're shit when you already know that for a fact?

I don't know how I managed to delude myself a while back thinking I'm just fine with who I am and that I just simply want to stop living but going back outside, it's become apparent that I really am a piece of shit.

There's just nothing worse than the realization that "holy fuck, I wasn't making it up, I am actually garbage." I don't know how anyone is supposed to survive with rock bottom self esteem like this. Like I genuinely don't get it. I'm in a constant state of mental torture. I'd cut off both my hands if it meant I could like who I am. And at this point, I'd die just to stop feeling this way.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[woofwag]

I understand and feel the same about myself. I will say, it's impossible to not change. We're always adapting to new circumstances, even if things seem to stay the same. It's hard to see when you've become different. Even if it's not for the best, that still counts as change. But just the same as you, the one thing that's truly stayed the same is my desire to die, and I've finally changed my mind about having anymore hope to continue.

I hope you can find the peace you're looking for. Life like this is a horrible thing to be cursed with.

 

[astroproto]

There's just nothing worse than the realization that "holy fuck, I wasn't making it up, I am actually garbage." I don't know how anyone is supposed to survive with rock bottom self esteem like this. Like I genuinely don't get it. I'm in a constant state of mental torture. I'd cut off both my hands if it meant I could like who I am. And at this point, I'd die just to stop feeling this way.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I wish I could say the same. Part of why I'm reluctant to go to a professional is that I'm afraid I'll be free of these thoughts and I'll still be the same me, just less self-aware.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I wish I could say the same. Part of why I'm reluctant to go to a professional is that I'm afraid I'll be free of these thoughts and I'll still be the same me, just less self-aware.

Sometimes I feel that way too. Other times I think "my self awareness is wasted on me since I refuse to change" so I'd just be better off not hating myself.

But it's clearly not that simple.