I'm killing myself because of my appearance

[antivita]

Of course I am also severely depressed and anxious, but my ugliness is the one thing that makes my life truly unlivable. I've always kind of known this because I blamed my desire to kill myself on loneliness in general, but I've just recently come to terms with the fact that everything I feel has to do with my looks.

If I were actually normal looking, which I believe most people with body dysmorphia are, I might consider that reasoning shallow, but my body is genuinely ruined. I have loose skin from years of obesity and terrible acne scarring on not only my face, where I have rolling scars covering my right cheek, but on my body as well, which is covered in white bumps. I also have large keloid spots on my shoulders from a particularly bad period and stretch marks all over my torso. I will never be able to let someone see me naked. Ever. And it fucking breaks my heart.

I might be happy living alone and asexual, but the social and familial judgement makes that option a non-starter. I've honestly debated not even leaving any notes when I go because everyone would just assume that I killed myself because of my appearance anyway, and they would be right.

 

[MysticPerception]

Don't take this as insulting or anything please but, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your appearance shouldn't define who you or how others see you but I know how mean they can be so I get it. This place is a perfect example though of it not mattering. You can be yourself on this forum, your appearance doesn't matter. What matters is who you are as a person. You don't sound like a bad person to me at all. You sound like you're scared of changing things due to those around you. You shouldn't let their opinions push you into doing something you clearly don't want to do. You said you would be happy living alone then I'd say strive towards that and see if it works for you as a start. Maybe I'm just being preachy and it doesn't matter. If taking your own life is what would make you happiest then I'd say go for it but you really seem to have some serious doubts.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

I have a skull face deformity and want to ctb too but your condition is treatable with cosmetic surgery im not a pro life guy but i would think twice about ctbing if this is your only isue kind regards

 

[Qverty7455]

I know how are you feeling :( I will CTB because of my body dysmorphobia aswell. I hate my face and imperfections and my skull is fuc*** aswell...I am sure I would be able to live hapily if I had my skull and other stuff like everybody else...I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain and I know how does it feel to hate yourself because I hate myself everyday... :(

I am thinking everyday how I could be happy if I liked myself or how things would be amazing if I had no flaws or normal skull but it will never happen and it drives me crazy because most of the stuff you can actually change or run away from but you can't run from yourself :(

 

[Fragile]

i really feel this, if i could accept myself in the mirror then i'm sure i could live this life even while being chronically ill like i am.

feeling this way really sucks, people don't understand how hard it is to hate oneself just because of how we look, then called shallow when even looking at the mirror can cut deep within ourselves.

i'm sorry that you are feeling this way, some people may think that this is not a good reason to CTB and act like this is nothing, but they don't know how much body dismorphia can ruin a life. you are not shallow and i know you are hurting, just know that you are not alone in this.

 

[Qverty7455]

i really feel this, if i could accept myself in the mirror then i'm sure i could live this life even while being chronically ill like i am.

feeling this way really sucks, people don't understand how hard it is to hate oneself just because of how we look, then called shallow when even looking at the mirror can cut deep within ourselves.

i'm sorry that you are feeling this way, some people may think that this is not a good reason to CTB and act like this is nothing, but they don't know how much body dismorphia can ruin a life. you are not shallow and i know you are hurting, just know that you are not alone in this.

People really don't know how desperate it is to have this illness and it makes me sad...no one I know not even my family or close friends understand how I feel...they don't know how does it feel to look into mirror and see the thing you hate. If it's only nose you can probably get a nose job but how do you change freaking skull or face that is too narrow and with bad proportions...you won't you will hate it forever and ask yourself why you why you can't change it and how normal you could be if this wasn't a thing, but everyone will just tell you to accept yourself but I will never..

 

[SenMorta]

Of course I am also severely depressed and anxious, but my ugliness is the one thing that makes my life truly unlivable. I've always kind of known this because I blamed my desire to kill myself on loneliness in general, but I've just recently come to terms with the fact that everything I feel has to do with my looks.

If I were actually normal looking, which I believe most people with body dysmorphia are, I might consider that reasoning shallow, but my body is genuinely ruined. I have loose skin from years of obesity and terrible acne scarring on not only my face, where I have rolling scars covering my right cheek, but on my body as well, which is covered in white bumps. I also have large keloid spots on my shoulders from a particularly bad period and stretch marks all over my torso. I will never be able to let someone see me naked. Ever. And it fucking breaks my heart.

I might be happy living alone and asexual, but the social and familial judgement makes that option a non-starter. I've honestly debated not even leaving any notes when I go because everyone would just assume that I killed myself because of my appearance anyway, and they would be right.

Maybe an FU note to society could do the job?

 

[Deformationalplagio]

i really feel this, if i could accept myself in the mirror then i'm sure i could live this life even while being chronically ill like i am.

feeling this way really sucks, people don't understand how hard it is to hate oneself just because of how we look, then called shallow when even looking at the mirror can cut deep within ourselves.

i'm sorry that you are feeling this way, some people may think that this is not a good reason to CTB and act like this is nothing, but they don't know how much body dismorphia can ruin a life. you are not shallow and i know you are hurting, just know that you are not alone in this.

Can i ask you whats wrong with your skull is it asymetric?

 

[Roro90]

I'm sorry to hear that but i really deeply think that no one is ugly and the appearance really doesn't matter to me and i know a lot of people think like that too and will love you for who you are , and I think you can solve your problems by cosmetic surgery and products they are easy to fix you just need time and patience

 

[pole]

definitely sucks and i could sort of relate while dealing with body dysmorphia myself.

if that reason alone hurts you so deeply, that REASON ALONE is a perfectly suitable and valid reason to ctb. you're reasoning to ctb is just as good as anyone elses reasoning to ctb. don't let anyone question or force you to think twice about how you feel.

hope you find peace.

 

[Fragile]

Can i ask you whats wrong with your skull is it asymetric?

asymmetrical, oddly shaped and overall deformed, there is no surgery for that, and even if there was, i heal very poorly from surgeries.

 

[antivita]

I have a skull face deformity and want to ctb too but your condition is treatable with cosmetic surgery im not a pro life guy but i would think twice about ctbing if this is your only isue kind regards ♥

I appreciate the sentiment and you're not the first person to say cosmetic surgery, but I really mean it when I say I'm physically completely fucked. Cosmetic surgery may be able to deal with a handful of genuinely superficial things such as loose skin, but the scars are immense for the type of surgery I would need and the loose skin never really goes away. In terms of the acne scarring, there is essentially zero way for me ever to have normal skin considering the type of damage I have. I had incredibly severe cystic acne leaving me with really deep grooves now. Even accutane, the strongest meds on the market, couldn't help me. So I just kept getting acne and scarring. As for my body, there is literally no way for me to deal with the stretch marks and white scars. The products you buy at stores and even at the dermatologist only do so much, if anything. Trust me, I've tried.

I have thought about and pursued cosmetic surgery for literal years. I was previously obsessed with before and after shots/consultations and I even went so far as to build a budget around the type of surgeries I wanted so I could get everything done within just a few years. But I slowly realized that, for some people, it will not help. And I'm not talking about just normal "ugly," I'm talking about deformity. I literally physically do not fit in.

I'm sorry to hear that but i really deeply think that no one is ugly and the appearance really doesn't matter to me and i know a lot of people think like that too and will love you for who you are , and I think you can solve your problems by cosmetic surgery and products they are easy to fix you just need time and patience

I replied to someone who shared similar thoughts. Please read that. Cosmetic surgery is way easier said that done and most of the time it doesn't fix the problem. Especially when we're dealing with major body reconstruction.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I'm sorry to do this to you, but can you picture a person who loves you and accepts you for who you are seeing your naked body and loving you all the same.

Also well done for having lost weight.

 

[antivita]

definitely sucks and i could sort of relate while dealing with body dysmorphia myself.

if that reason alone hurts you so deeply, that REASON ALONE is a perfectly suitable and valid reason to ctb. you're reasoning to ctb is just as good as anyone elses reasoning to ctb. don't let anyone question or force you to think twice about how you feel.

hope you find peace.

Thank you so much, I appreciate the validation. I'm shocked that there are quite a number of people on here who have responded "cosmetic surgery." Their hearts are in the right place, but it is hard to convey true pain and true ugliness over the internet I guess. But yeah, it hurts me that much. It has destroyed my life. I face public ridicule. This is not even close to what I wanted out of life.

 

[xBrialesana]

I don't have anything to add honestly too sad to type but I relate 100%. Don't tell me I'm wrong that as a woman life is so much harder when you're not attractive. I would never tell anyone "oh my god you're too pretty to want to kill yourself!" because that's wrong and untrue but for me if i was attractive so many things would've gone different and it could've changed my LIFE (butterfly effect) and i might've had a chance at life. That sounds dramatic but really is true

 

[antivita]

I'm sorry to do this to you, but can you picture a person who loves you and accepts you for who you are seeing your naked body and loving you all the same.

Also well done for having lost weight.

Thanks, weight loss is not easy and I'm still working through it.

I don't have anything to add honestly too sad to type but I relate 100%. Don't tell me I'm wrong that as a woman life is so much harder when you're not attractive. I would never tell anyone "oh my god you're too pretty to want to kill yourself!" because that's wrong and untrue but for me if i was attractive so many things would've gone different and it could've changed my LIFE (butterfly effect) and i might've had a chance at life. That sounds dramatic but really is true

Life is really SO much harder. Female worth is so intrinsically tied to appearance that if you don't look at least "normal" you are a literal outcast. There are wonderful, lovely, amazing men in the world, but I fear male interaction because of unprompted comments about how much they dislike my looks.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I might be happy living alone and asexual, but the social and familial judgement makes that option a non-starter.

Do you live in a Western country? If yes, society already accepts living alone and being asexual.

Families will always judge. Becoming an autonomous adult means becoming separate, your own person. If the family doesn't like it but you do, then you have some peace and happiness, and you become able to then do even more things for yourself. You find satisfaction from your own efforts rather than seeking the acceptance and approval that was never available to begin with.

These are of course my opinions. I don't know you, or where you live. But I do know that you've found a potential solution, and it seems a rational one to pursue.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

asymmetrical, oddly shaped and overall deformed, there is no surgery for that, and even if there was, i heal very poorly from surgeries.

Asymetrical is probably plagiocephaly too but its true there is not really a surgery for it i know how you feel i will be here for you

 

[antivita]

Do you live in a Western country? If yes, society already accepts living alone and being asexual.

Families will always judge. Becoming an autonomous adult means becoming separate, your own person. If the family doesn't like it but you do, then you have some peace and happiness, and you become able to then do even more things for yourself. You find satisfaction from your own efforts rather than seeking the acceptance and approval that was never available to begin with.

These are of course my opinions. I don't know you, or where you live. But I do know that you've found a potential solution, and it seems a rational one to pursue.

You're totally right. There are opportunities for me to be my own person and live alone, and I've seriously considered it. It's kind of the route my aunt took, but I hear the way people talk about her and I am terrified. I deeply hate this about myself, but I crave validation and approval and hate pity of any kind. I am deeply sensitive. I have spent years trying to change that, and become independent, but some people (like me) are just weak. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I fantasize about it sometimes on my good days, but I am incapable of living the separate life I dream about, and continue to crave love/acceptance that I will never get.

 

[SenMorta]

I don't have anything to add honestly too sad to type but I relate 100%. Don't tell me I'm wrong that as a woman life is so much harder when you're not attractive. I would never tell anyone "oh my god you're too pretty to want to kill yourself!" because that's wrong and untrue but for me if i was attractive so many things would've gone different and it could've changed my LIFE (butterfly effect) and i might've had a chance at life. That sounds dramatic but really is true

As someone who's not into playing gender politics, I still 10000000% agree with this comment. It is undeniably true unattractive women will suffer more than their male counterparts

 

[xBrialesana]

As someone who's not into playing gender politics, I still 10000000% agree with this comment. It is undeniably true unattractive women will suffer more than their male counterparts

Oh same I'm with you on gender politics. That's the last thing I really want to get into lol. But it ain't wrong that with the same education and experience the attractive man will get the job. Idk I thought things were changing but whatever.

 

[SenMorta]

You're totally right. There are opportunities for me to be my own person and live alone, and I've seriously considered it. It's kind of the route my aunt took, but I hear the way people talk about her and I am terrified. I deeply hate this about myself, but I crave validation and approval and hate pity of any kind. I am deeply sensitive. I have spent years trying to change that, and become independent, but some people (like me) are just weak. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I fantasize about it sometimes on my good days, but I am incapable of living the separate life I dream about, and continue to crave love/acceptance that I will never get.

Tbh, I think almost ALL of us want validation and approval

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

BTW there are SO many people with loose skin who also have problems with dating. There needs to be an app for that! Tinder for loose skin! You could create one and be rich!

Hope that wasn't unwelcome. I'll tone down the personal cheerleader talk and go back to being empathetic.

 

[antivita]

BTW there are SO many people with loose skin who also have problems with dating. There needs to be an app for that! Tinder for loose skin! You could create one and be rich!

Hope that wasn't unwelcome. I'll tone down the personal cheerleader talk and go back to being empathetic.

I appreciate all replies, I like communicating with people on here. And yeah, if only there were enough people to use it. Finding someone who shares the same struggle with their body would be amazing but it's so rare. I say this as someone who actively looked for people and tried to date.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I appreciate all replies, I like communicating with people on here. And yeah, if only there were enough people to use it. Finding someone who shares the same struggle with their body would be amazing but it's so rare. I say this as someone who actively looked for people and tried to date.

I respectfully disagree with you. Google "loose skin dating" and see how many stories there are of people who go through the same thing. Look up the guy on YouTube who is now totally buff underneath his loose skin, he inspires so many people. There is a woman with a following on Instagram who has loose skin and stretch marks. I have known more than one person with loose skin irl. Your condition is not as rare as you believe. So yes, there are definitely enough people, there just aren't yet social platforms for all of you to connect, hence my suggestion to create a dating app.

I hope I don't come across as argumentative. That's not my tone at all. I will admit to being fired up because that's my response to illusions. I've fought so many in my life. I fight them, not you! I hear you say that you are weak, but as I just said to someone on another thread who called himself a coward and a failure, sometimes people say such things to us and we take over the job of saying it to ourselves when they're not around. If you don't want to live alone and "do you," I respect your choice and accept both it and you. But I question the idea that you're really, truly weak, or if it's someone else's message you bought into before you had a chance to grow into yourself enough to define yourself and test whether it was true or not. It seems possible that someone else was defining you. That's what controlling people do. As far as your aunt, she sounds like a potential mentor who you could ask how she feels about her choice, about other people talking about her, and how she manages it. People are always going to judge and gossip, but they don't live inside you, they don't live in your skin, they don't live your life, and what's sad is that they don't live their own and they don't even know it. They are unaware. The lack is theirs, not yours. Their pettiness makes them small, and they make themselves feel bigger and more valid by invalidating and belittling others.

If it makes any difference, I am a 48-year-old woman. It took me decades to come to these understandings and to live them. It is not always easy, and sometimes I am still hurt by judgment and gossip. Sometimes I still want to return to the slot machine of hope that maybe this time my parents will accept and understand me, but it's not sane or healthy for me if I don't accept them as they are, as they have consistently proven themselves to be - unaware and incapable. I cannot fix them, I cannot get through to them, I cannot control them nor should I. I wish they had learned they cannot and should not control me. But understanding such things has given me inner power, and we all need inner power. And if you're wondering, I am leaning toward ctb because there are unbearable things in my life beyond my control that I cannot change but would if I could. But at least I have myself, and these empowering things that I have worked so hard for, so if I go, I at least have myself and it's been worth all the effort to achieve that. Ctb is sometimes an act to preserve the self, and I like the self I've worked to become. I don't own any abuse that's ever been done to me, and I don't own what is happening to me, they are not my fault, but I own and define me.

 

[Ayeitsalaska]

people think im attractive but i still want to kill myself, id rather be ugly asf and happy then pretty and think about suicidal most of my waking hours btw im sorry im not trying to offend anyone as well

 

[antivita]

I respectfully disagree with you. Google "loose skin dating" and see how many stories there are of people who go through the same thing. Look up the guy on YouTube who is now totally buff underneath his loose skin, he inspires so many people. There is a woman with a following on Instagram who has loose skin and stretch marks. I have known more than one person with loose skin irl. Your condition is not as rare as you believe. So yes, there are definitely enough people, there just aren't yet social platforms for all of you to connect, hence my suggestion to create a dating app.

I hope I don't come across as argumentative. That's not my tone at all. I will admit to being fired up because that's my response to illusions. I've fought so many in my life. I fight them, not you! I hear you say that you are weak, but as I just said to someone on another thread who called himself a coward and a failure, sometimes people say such things to us and we take over the job of saying it to ourselves when they're not around. If you don't want to live alone and "do you," I respect your choice and accept both it and you. But I question the idea that you're really, truly weak, or if it's someone else's message you bought into before you had a chance to grow into yourself enough to define yourself and test whether it was true or not. It seems possible that someone else was defining you. That's what controlling people do. As far as your aunt, she sounds like a potential mentor who you could ask how she feels about her choice, about other people talking about her, and how she manages it. People are always going to judge and gossip, but they don't live inside you, they don't live in your skin, they don't live your life, and what's sad is that they don't live their own and they don't even know it. They are unaware. The lack is theirs, not yours. Their pettiness makes them small, and they make themselves feel bigger and more valid by invalidating and belittling others.

If it makes any difference, I am a 48-year-old woman. It took me decades to come to these understandings and to live them. It is not always easy, and sometimes I am still hurt by judgment and gossip. Sometimes I still want to return to the slot machine of hope that maybe this time my parents will accept and understand me, but it's not sane or healthy for me if I don't accept them as they are, as they have consistently proven themselves to be - unaware and incapable. I cannot fix them, I cannot get through to them, I cannot control them nor should I. I wish they had learned they cannot and should not control me. But understanding such things has given me inner power, and we all need inner power. And if you're wondering, I am leaning toward ctb because there are unbearable things in my life beyond my control that I cannot change but would if I could. But at least I have myself, and these empowering things that I have worked so hard for, so if I go, I at least have myself and it's been worth all the effort to achieve that. Ctb is sometimes an act to preserve the self, and I like the self I've worked to become. I don't own any abuse that's ever been done to me, and I don't own what is happening to me, they are not my fault, but I own and define me.

As someone with loose skin, I am more than aware of the weight loss/loose skin community on the internet. I have been an active part of it, I follow hundreds of accounts like that to help me maintain and have been for years. This isn't directed towards you, but I have plenty of people trying to explain my own situation to me and its frustrating because I have spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours researching this very topic. I know its not rare in and of itself. But it is still such a taboo that finding people open about it from the get go *is* incredibly rare. People are good at hiding loose skin. I can't just go around and look for people with loose skin on the street. It doesn't work like that.

The people you see online are a minority in that they are blessed with beauty, confidence, and a strong community. Many of them had partners before beginning their weight loss journey, and most of them started out at lower weights than I did. Also, I didn't magically get "pretty" like a lot of them did - they were all pretty beforehand and didn't need to loose weight to find love. As mentioned above, I have a myriad of other physical problems that cause me a lot grief and now I have literally nothing to offer anyone physically. And quite frankly? If I was normal I wouldn't want to date anyone with loose skin. It's awful to say but it's true. I can't expect people to give me what I likely wouldn't give them if the situations were reversed.

Unfortunately, I do not have the community or support a lot of these people do. My parents are dead, I live in near constant grief and have been for 10 years. My relationship with the rest of my family is complicated. Everything you said above I've said to myself a million times. I already know it's "not me it's them." But now I find the idea of suicide very empowering. The chance to take total and complete control of my own life? Amazing. I've never had that opportunity. Also, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to put in all this mental effort just to keep chugging along. It's exhausting having to repeat this to yourself constantly on top of everything else going on in my life. Even if I can do it, I personally don't want to anymore.

I appreciate your words, but I just simply disagree. I also know you didn't mean it like this, but my experiences aren't illusions. They are my lived realities. I could argue that your perspective is illusory and idealistic, but its your experience so it has validity in your life, even if I don't understand it. I think that's an important perspective to maintain when choosing language like that.

Thank you so much for your response. It's clear this is something you care about and I'm really grateful you are trying to help me change my mindset. To have someone put that much effort into something that has to do with me is really nice.

people think im attractive but i still want to kill myself, id rather be ugly asf and happy then pretty and think about suicidal most of my waking hours btw im sorry im not trying to offend anyone as well

Yeah I'd rather be ugly and happy too but I'm still ugly and suicidal. Life can be terrible for literally anyone, it just manifested itself like this for me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

As someone with loose skin, I am more than aware of the weight loss/loose skin community on the internet. I have been an active part of it, I follow hundreds of accounts like that to help me maintain and have been for years. This isn't directed towards you, but I have plenty of people trying to explain my own situation to me and its frustrating because I have spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours researching this very topic. I know its not rare in and of itself. But it is still such a taboo that finding people open about it from the get go *is* incredibly rare. People are good at hiding loose skin. I can't just go around and look for people with loose skin on the street. It doesn't work like that.

The people you see online are a minority in that they are blessed with beauty, confidence, and a strong community. Many of them had partners before beginning their weight loss journey, and most of them started out at lower weights than I did. Also, I didn't magically get "pretty" like a lot of them did - they were all pretty beforehand and didn't need to loose weight to find love. As mentioned above, I have a myriad of other physical problems that cause me a lot grief and now I have literally nothing to offer anyone physically. And quite frankly? If I was normal I wouldn't want to date anyone with loose skin. It's awful to say but it's true. I can't expect people to give me what I likely wouldn't give them if the situations were reversed.

Unfortunately, I do not have the community or support a lot of these people do. My parents are dead, I live in near constant grief and have been for 10 years. My relationship with the rest of my family is complicated. Everything you said above I've said to myself a million times. I already know it's "not me it's them." But now I find the idea of suicide very empowering. The chance to take total and complete control of my own life? Amazing. I've never had that opportunity. Also, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to put in all this mental effort just to keep chugging along. It's exhausting having to repeat this to yourself constantly on top of everything else going on in my life. Even if I can do it, I personally don't want to anymore.

I appreciate your words, but I just simply disagree. I also know you didn't mean it like this, but my experiences aren't illusions. They are my lived realities. I could argue that your perspective is illusory and idealistic, but its your experience so it has validity in your life, even if I don't understand it. I think that's an important perspective to maintain when choosing language like that.

Thank you so much for your response. It's clear this is something you care about and I'm really grateful you are trying to help me change my mindset. To have someone put that much effort into something that has to do with me is really nice.

I *loved* your response and value it. Thank you so much for sharing all that you did. I admire how you responded to me, and I appreciate having a better understanding of you and your mindset. I respect you very much, and I honor you, your process, and your decisions. I am glad to have met you. Thank you for posting and for engaging.

 

[Foresight]

Rolling scars are extremely responsive to treatment, and a lot of women are covered in stretch marks, myself included. My legs are covered, thighs, calves, butt, hips.

I consider myself well versed in acne scars. I just left my surgeons office today, and I've been researching acne scar revision for 6 years. If you do ever consider seeking advice or treatment feel free to reach out to me. You might already be aware of the options.

I've dealt with facial deformity for 7 years now. I've been working with a surgeon for 6 months and will continue for a few years. I'd bet money you're not as severe as I am, but death is your right. Just saying at the very least your facial scarring is perfectly treatable, and if it's only on one side? The loose skin is treatable too but probably ranging out of affordable.

 

[thelastchicken]

ugly asf and happy

Has anyone seen such a thing?